I stuffed my hand in my pocket, gaze averted. “Sorry.”
Why was I apologizing?
“Look, you’re right. I am tired, but I don’t want you to leave yet.” She gestured to the chair. “Can you just sit there until I fall asleep?”
I stepped back and lowered myself into the chair without a word, dropping my backpack on the floor as I did. To project an air of nonchalance that I didn’t feel, I put my feet up on her bed. Esmer gave me a grateful little smile before reaching over to grab her phone and earbuds. Shoving one of the earbuds into her ear, she scrolled through her playlists.
I stared at her long fingers. The fingers that had the ability to make my mind go blank and my skin feel warm. I suddenly wanted them in my hair, touching my face, stroking my shoulders, running down my arms, entwining with my own fingers. Swallowing hard, I looked up at her face. I didn’t crave physical contact, not with Penny, not even with my loved ones. It seemed childish to me, the need to be physically comforted. That’s not what this was. The…sudden awareness of the space between me and Esmer, and the loneliness it brought was something I’d never experienced before.
What would she say if she knew what I was thinking?
“What’re you going to listen to?” I asked to pull myself out of my own head.
The side of her mouth curled upward. She tapped on the screen and then lifted her spare earbud. “Here.”
I had to drop my feet to the ground and scoot forward in order to reach it. Then I had to stay there, with my elbows against my knees, so it wouldn’t be pulled from my ear. I didn’t recognize the tune or the voice singing its light, happy lyrics. I thought it might be country music I was listening to but I wasn’t sure. It didn’t matter. Esmer lay on her side, facing me. Her phone sat on the mattress between us. After a conspiratorial kind of smile, she shut her eyes. And fell asleep.
I knew the moment it happened too. Her face relaxed, her breathing slowed. Her head shifted ever so slightly against the pillow, moving toward me. I could’ve left but I stayed. I told myself I was making sure she was actually asleep. Honestly? I just wanted to look at her. So I sat there and I stared at her until my uncle texted me, saying he was parked outside the hospital. I carefully removed the earbud and placed it on the bed beside her phone. Then I picked up my backpack, walked out of the building, and slid into my uncle’s car.
“Good visit?” he asked.
“Sure.” I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else as we drove home.
Chapter 18
Esmeralda
Charlie opened the car door for me and held his hand out. I raised an eyebrow. The last time I’d touched him, he’d looked like some old lady had pinched his butt.
“What?” he asked, smoothing his face of emotion.
“Nothing.” I watched his reaction as I carefully closed my hand around his. I caught a glimpse of his dilating pupils before he lowered his gaze and tugged me out of my aunt’s Cadillac.
I swayed a bit, still unsteady in my bulky cast. His other hand touched the small of my back to keep me from falling. A momentary pressure, but still meaningful. I was glad we were almost the same height because I could look into his face now that we were both standing. He gave a quick smile before releasing me, as if to prove he was fine. But he couldn’t be. I know I wasn’t. Nobody had ever held me so carefully before, like I was something valuable he didn’t want to break. It was so stinkin’ cute; it made me want to cry.
But then he closed my door and left me leaning against it while he took out the hospital issued crutches from the back seat. The moment was over.
I sighed.
“This friend thing we have going on is the closest I’ve come to a relationship since freshman year of high school.”
I wasn’t going to pretend like that didn’t depress me, but it also made me feel special. I was the only person other than his family who’d touched him in a long time. I tried to remember the first time I’d ever held a boy’s hand. And to think, he’d gone years without feeling that warmth against his palm, the pressure of someone else’s fingers tangled with his, that leap in his stomach. It only made sense that he’d be jumpy and nervous.
But this was Charlie, the guy who had to watch people die, for Christ’s sake. The guy who denied himself ordinary joys like friends and flings so that he wouldn’t have to deal with awkward questions and rejection. The kind of inner strength that took…It was hard for me to find a connection between it and the emotions of a sheltered, damaged college kid.
I pressed my lips together as he handed me the crutches.
He took his ever-present backpack and skateboard out of the back seat before shutting the door. He tilted his head a bit to take in the giant monstrosity that was Aunt Dinah’s mansion.
Who exactly was he?
Luckily, I had plenty of time to figure that out. Our awkward conversations in the hospital last week hadn’t kept him from visiting. My great aunt seemed to like him, maybe even trust him. She would never say so, the proud old bird, but her scowl wasn’t nearly as severe when it was pointed at him. That spoke volumes. I doubted she would send him away if he continued his daily visits now that I was back at her house.
Aunt Dinah rounded the front of her car, keys in one hand and her awful beaded coin
