“It’s fine. I like it this way.” I managed to sound halfway normal, if only a little bit out of breath. Thankfully. I summoned a smile. “It’s flawed and real, ya know?”
The frown remained but he didn’t argue with me. Instead, he let his thumb slide past my ear lobe, down my jaw line, to my chin. His eyes softened during his finger’s journey down my face. My heart was inching higher and higher up my throat with each beat. I had to fight the impulse to lean toward him as his hand fell away. In the end, I fought in vain because he was the one who leaned forward and kissed me. It was light. Slow. Sweet. Like the first sip of a perfectly warm cup of hot chocolate.
My eyes fluttered open when he pulled away. “I’m so confused.”
“Me too,” he whispered, but then he kissed me again. Harder and with more confidence, inhaling deeply as if in preparation for a plunge.
I guess, in a way, he was jumping.
So I jumped with him. When he took my waist in his hands, I let go of the crutches to weave my arms around his neck. I barely registered the sound they made when they hit the wooden floor. My good leg supported most of my weight but Charlie supported the rest. I wasn’t afraid to lean on him. I knew I’d be safe so long as he held me.
Then the vision came.
Chapter 24
Jasmine
I leaned out from behind the wall separating the sitting room and the short hallway which ended with the back door. I should’ve stepped back. I should’ve looked away. But I couldn’t. I watched Esmer and Charlie through the window cut into the door. Mesmerized. It was perhaps the most beautiful picture I’d ever seen.
A sheet of rain and a lush green garden for a backdrop. Two scarred people, stepping out in faith, entrusting each other with their delicate hearts, communicating so much without making a sound. Her sure arms around his shoulders, keeping them chest to chest, said: I will never let you go. His hands on her hips spoke a gentle promise: I will never hurt you. Their lips, although having just become acquainted moments ago, worked in perfect sync. Giving, taking, quietly savoring, whispering, I don’t want to taste anything else.
Tears came even as a smile stretched across my face. The sight brought awe and joy and pride like a rush of goose bumps across my entire body.
But, all too soon, grief came to chase those happy feelings away. Horrible, ugly, shameful envy followed. It was easy to look away then, to step back behind the wall and give them privacy. To give myself privacy as I fell apart.
I was never going to have that.
I knew it like a person knew their own name; with an unwavering certainty that didn’t need to be proven, but was there from the very beginning of one’s life. I’d accepted my fate long ago...or so I’d thought. From the gushing of tears and the sob that escaped me, one would’ve thought I’d just come to the realization. I sank into the plastic-covered couch, hugging my torso and bending forward to keep my insides from spilling out. The air rushed in and out of my mouth in a broken rhythm as I struggled to be quiet. The tears dripped down my chin.
I was alone. I had three loving men in my life and I was completely alone. Because they all had somebody else, a second half, a perfect fit, a best friend, a soul mate. Uncle Victor had Vanessa (although he hadn’t made his move yet). Anthony had Georgina (even if he would never admit he was still in love with her). Now Charlie had Esmer.
“A valiant attempt, but you cannot escape,” Death had said. “Neither of us can.”
Was this what she was talking about? This otherworldly category we belonged to, this lonely void that separated us from the rest of the world? Even surrounded by the souls of the departed, Death always stood apart from them when I saw her. She wasn’t alive or dead. She wasn’t human, maybe a step above. Still, she didn’t appear to be “in charge” of either the afterlife or the world of the living. Despite her mysterious and extraordinary powers, she was just a ferry. Always traveling between worlds. Never able to truly belong. Never able to connect.
Digging my nails into my sides, I tried to force the pain away. Charlie and Esmer wouldn’t stay outside forever, no matter how much they might’ve wanted to. Dinah would be done cleaning up the kitchen soon. Any of them could potentially walk in on me and see me this way. How was I supposed to explain what I was feeling?
I breathed deeply as I tugged the collar of my long-sleeved shirt up over my wet face. I tried to distract myself with happy thoughts but, as hard as I tried to conjure up a positive mental image, I couldn’t see beyond my own fate. This hopeless, helpless, inescapable misery that had driven me to attempt suicide. The longer I stared into the carpet under my feet, the worse I felt. My throat and nose began to burn, as if I’d accidentally inhaled hot tea. I coughed a bit to see if it would clear but nothing changed. In fact, the burning got stronger, gaining weight as it traveled down to my chest. I tried to take a breath but the fire that gripped my lungs refused to let them inflate.
Pain erupted along the side of my head, stretching to become a halo of needles. I tried to scream but of course, nothing came out. I vaguely recognized this as the feeling of drowning (I’d died with a drowning victim twice before), but this knowledge didn’t
