“I carry their burdens, Nessie. I’ve been charged with their secrets. I’ll never be able to be completely honest with you because of that.”
My thumbs froze over the keypad. There was only one word for the emotion behind his voice: pain.
“If it bothers you when I don’t share certain case details with you in order to protect them, how much more will it hurt you when I don’t share pieces of myself for the exact same reason? They’re a huge part of my life; past, present and future. You should be with someone who can share themselves with you wholly.”
“So you do want to be with me,” Vanessa said, hope making her voice light. “It’s not all in my head.”
“Th-That’s not the point.”
It was just like Jazz always said. He’d sacrifice his own happiness if it meant keeping us safe.
I’d been perfectly fine keeping everyone outside of our weird little family at arm’s length to avoid their questions; it had been easy because I’d been burned before. Plus, I didn’t really like people. Uncle Vic was different. Everyone liked and respected him. I bet he used to have a lot of friends before we came into his life. Where were they now? I’d never given it much thought before, but if he’d been careful not to let Vanessa into his life to protect us, of course he would’ve forced himself to pull back from any past acquaintances. Now that Esmer and I were together, I could imagine just how painful that might’ve been for him.
And, seeing all of this clearly now, I sort of understood why Jasmine thought removing herself from the picture would’ve been better for everyone. No matter how much our uncle loved us, his life would never really be…complete. Not if he kept having to push away everyone else he loved. But he would keep doing it because he believed it was the right thing to do, no matter how many times Jasmine or I tried to convince him otherwise. The thought filled me with a mixture of anger and guilt.
I marched away from the wall, toward the desk where I’d left my stuff. I snatched Esmer’s gift and my skateboard, and ran. I didn’t care if my sneakers squeaked against the tile. It didn’t matter if Uncle Victor heard me. I just had to get away.
◆◆◆
Esmer wasn’t waiting for me when I crouched in front of her window. Which was weird. I was sure I’d made enough noise climbing up her drainpipe to let everyone on the block know what I was doing. Scaling that thing one-handed had been a bitch. My fingers had their own pulse and my arm ached.
The door was bumped open a second later and she came limping in. My heart started thumping real hard when I realized her idea of sleepwear was nothing but an oversized shirt and a pair of really small girl boxers. I took advantage of the fact that she couldn’t see me and just stared for a second. Her face was clean, with no trace of makeup. She’d taken all of her earrings out; only her nose ring remained. Her fiery red hair was spiky, like she’d run careless hands through it after her shower.
Damn, she was hot. What did she see in me? I shook my head and tapped a knuckle against the window.
Esmer stumbled back, cursing loudly enough for me to hear her through the glass. Her bug-eyed look was replaced with a relieved smile when she realized it was just me. Dinah must’ve shouted up the stairs, asking her what was wrong, because she turned her head to reply.
“I just stubbed my toe. Sorry for the scare.” Then she hobbled over as fast as she could and let the crutches drop once she was close enough. Steadying herself against the wall with one hand, she opened the window with the other. “Hey there,” she whispered, grinning widely. “What brings you to my roof this fine evening?”
I lifted the box. “Made you something.”
“You’ve got to stop spoiling me like this, Charlie boy.” But she hopped aside and let me in anyway.
It was significantly warmer in her room than it was outside. I shivered a bit at the change in temperature. It smelled like clean laundry and a hint of chamomile lotion. I breathed deeply, allowing the calming scents to ease my seriously messed up thoughts. Coming here was a good idea.
I started to explain what was in the box but Esmer gripped my forearm and kissed me before I could say anything. It was clumsy. She was depending on me for balance but she also caught me off guard. We teetered a bit, and would’ve gone sprawling over her carpet if I hadn’t recovered my balance so quickly.
Esmer gave an awkward chuckle as she pulled away. “That was graceful.”
I leaned over as far as I could without breaking out of her hold, and deposited the box on her bed. Then I came back to take her waist in both hands. The T-shirt material was thin; I felt her hip bones against my palms. It sent a weird thrill down my back.
“Can we try that again?” I winced at the shyness even I could hear in my voice. Why couldn’t I sound cool just once?
Thankfully, Esmer didn’t comment. She laced her fingers behind my neck and leaned in real slow, looking so deeply into my eyes I was sure she read all my secrets there. I couldn’t have felt more exposed if I’d been naked. My gaze dropped down to her mouth because I couldn’t stand the intensity of her gaze anymore. When we locked lips again, it was long and smooth and damn near perfect. The hairs on my arms were standing at attention when she broke the kiss. My heart was throwing itself at my chest, like it couldn’t wait to break free.
Esmer looked like she was going to say something but I didn’t let her get the words out. I kissed her
