They ate in silence. Dorran was never very chatty, but he seemed quieter than normal. She snuck glances at him. He was tired, but there was something more in his expression. She tucked her feet up under herself and put her bowl aside. “Dorran?”
He startled, and some life returned to his eyes. “Sorry. I have been ignoring you, haven’t I?”
“I don’t mind that. But… something’s worrying you.”
He opened his mouth then closed it again. Clare waited. After a moment, he said, “There is a lot to do. That’s all.”
“You’re worried about going to the car, aren’t you?”
He chuckled. “You read me too easily.”
“I’ll go with you. I’ll be there to help.”
His smile cracked. She’d touched on a sore spot. Clare found his hand and wrapped hers around it, twining the fingers together. He felt cold.
“You can tell me,” she whispered.
His voice was raw. “I cannot even fight you on accompanying me. This is not something I can accomplish alone. I would need your help. But that would mean asking you to step into a situation that… that may kill you.”
“That’s fine. I want to come. And by now, you should know I’m not letting you go alone.”
A chuckle broke through the tension masking his face. “Yes. You are strong. Stronger than I expected. But this, Clare—”
The flames made shadows leap across the planes of his face. He was quiet for a beat, then he continued in a calmer voice. “This will be dangerous. More danger than I ever wanted you to be in. And I do not know if I can keep you safe out there.”
“We can prepare. We’ll have weapons. Maybe even some kind of armour.”
“Yes. But I keep thinking of what your sister said this morning. The heroes are dying. The ones who take risks are never heard from again. And her advice seemed so wise; do not take chances. Choose the safest path. Hide.”
Clare didn’t know what to say. She and Dorran sat so close that she could feel his chest rise with every breath and see the dampness shining in his eyes. He blinked, trapped in some kind of mental battle, then he spoke again.
“And yet, I feel like we must try. Yes, we could sit here, hidden, always taking the cautious option, always guarding ourselves, but what life is that?” He was holding her hand almost hard enough to hurt. “That is not the kind of life I want to give you. Hungry. Unable to see your sister. Always flinching at the noises in the walls. That is not the life you deserve.”
“Dorran.”
His eyes were growing increasingly frantic. “But I am afraid. Oh, Clare, I am afraid. I have never cared about anything so much. I must keep you safe. I want to see you happy, if I can. Why must these goals be so thoroughly opposed?”
“Dorran.” She shuffled around so that she could sit in his lap, carefully detangled their hands, and wrapped her arms around him. She could feel his heart through his shirt. It thundered. She held him tightly and whispered, “It won’t be your fault if something bad happens out there.”
“But…”
“I want to go. I’m ready to go. And, yeah, I’m frightened, too, and I’m hoping you’ll stay near me if things get bad. But… if it goes wrong… that isn’t your fault. It’s a choice we made together.”
He didn’t answer. His arms enveloped her, though, as though he never wanted to let her go.
Clare buried her face into his chest. She knew very little about his childhood, but what she’d learned was painful. His mother had controlled him through guilt, and he’d never learned how to let it go. It was like an invisible weight on his shoulders. She wished she could do more to ease it from him, but she worried that it might be too deeply engrained, that he would always accept more responsibility than he deserved.
Instead, she stretched to put her head closer to his and kissed his neck. He shivered. His fingers tangled in her hair. She tilted her head back, and his lips brushed hers then pressed closer for a kiss. He was sweet, moving carefully and tenderly. She held on to him, warming him, and felt the tension fade from his body.
They stayed like that until the fire began to burn down into coals. As the room’s shadows deepened, Dorran’s hoarse voice disturbed the stillness. “How soon would you like to make the journey to the car?”
Clare bit her lip. The longer they put it off, the more she would dread it. Already, it loomed like an impassable mountain. “Soon. Tomorrow?”
He nodded. “Yes. It is probably wise to go early, before our stores grow too low. That way, we will still have some time to adjust our plans if anything goes wrong.”
It’s not going to go wrong, she told herself as she closed her eyes. Dorran will look after you, and you’ll look after Dorran.
She fell asleep at the fireside to the sensation of Dorran stroking her hair. The scratching sounds continued to follow Clare into her dreams. She wrestled with them, sometimes trying to run from them and sometimes trying to find their source, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t escape them.
Clare woke early. The pale light coming through the windows told her the morning would be clear. It didn’t bear much significance on the rest of the day… but she wanted to take it as a good sign.
She rolled over. Dorran stood at one of the tall, narrow windows, hands clasped behind himself as he surveyed the land outside. Clare rose, bringing one of the blankets with herself to wrap around her shoulders. Dorran held out an arm to welcome her at his side, and together, they looked out over the
