I wheel this one out of the bedroom, blinking quickly to keep the tears from falling. I walk past my wall of pictures and reach up grabbing the one with the four of us. I hold it close to my chest and drop my head back.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper it hoping it will somehow be heard by them all.
I open my eyes and look around at what used to be a home filled with love, laugher, and friendship. Now, all I see are the lies I’ve told and the love I lost, the deafening silence and broken bonds. If I could knock on Blake’s door and start all over, I would have done it all completely different.
Chapter 1
One Year Earlier
McKinley
I’m packing the rest of my clothes into my suitcases with a small smile on my face. I can’t wait to get out of this crappy town and shitty trailer. I have dreams, big dreams that are finally starting to feel like they are within my reach. As I fold a shirt and put it into my suitcase, I hear a car pulling onto my dirt driveway. I know without even looking that it’s my mom. I hear the front door creak open, and slam closed.
“McKinley?”
Shit, I wanted to be out of here before she found out I was leaving. She walks into my bedroom, looks around, and when she realizes what I’m doing she snaps her head to me. “Where the hell are you going?”
I take a deep breath trying to figure out what to say to her. “I’m leaving Mama. I can’t find happiness here; my dreams will never come true in this shithole town.”
She shakes her head and sits on the bed. “McKinley, if you actually gave this town a chance, maybe you’d find exactly what you were looking for.”
She doesn’t get it. I don’t want to end up like her. I don’t want to live in a trailer my whole life, with a deadbeat husband and kids that I can’t control. I want more for myself and I can’t do that here.
“Mama, please. I need to try, or I’ll never know.” She forces a small smile and starts helping me fold my clothes.
“Where are you going to go?” Now, this is what I was afraid of. I could easily lie, tell her that I don’t know, that I will know when I find it. I look at her beautiful face and it just comes out.
“California.” She stops folding and grabs my hands, stopping me.
“Where in California, McKinley?” I shrug my shoulders and she stands up, spinning me to look at her. “Where?”
“Mama, I’m twenty-nine years old, stop talking to me like I’m a damn child. I don’t know where in California.”
She shakes her head and runs her hand down her face. “I never should have told you about Blake. I should have taken it to the grave like his father asked me to.”
I grin and turn back to my suitcase. “You mean our father.” She slaps me on the back of the head and fuck it hurts. “Damn Mama.”
“You are such an ungrateful child. Your father is the man who raised you, the man who put food in your mouth and clothes on your back. The man who gave you a place to live and took care of both of us. The man who got me pregnant and decided he was too good for us; he is just the sperm.” She looks at me imploring me to listen.
I sit down on the bed and look up at her. “There are always three sides to a story, your side, his side, and the truth. I want to know the truth.”
She pushes the suitcase out of her way and sits next to me. “Listen, we may never have had enough money, just enough food, and gotten clothes from generous neighbors, but I tried. I tried to be the best mother I could be. I want you to have everything you never did, but I don’t want it to happen this way. If you show up on Blake’s doorstep and tell him, his world will forever change. He will know that his father lied to his mother, to him, and he’ll completely ignore you. Don’t you think you should consider his feelings before you rush off and do something like this?” I smile and she leans over wrapping me in a hug. “The least they can do is help me now.” I stand up and she shakes her head.
“I raised you better than this,” she shouts.
I put the last few things in my suitcase and zip it up. “You raised me to go after what I want. To not let anything stand in my way. Mama, you are standing in my way. This town is standing in my way. My reputation is standing in my way. I need a new start and I need that in California.”
She stands up and starts walking to the door of my bedroom. Just as she walks through, she turns back to face me. “The only thing standing in your way is yourself. Everything that has happened to you has been your own damn fault, but I’ve been there to help you clean it up. Don’t call me when it happens in California, because I’m done bailing you out. You are on your own.”
With that she walks out of the trailer, letting the door slam behind her, and drives off.
I love my mom, I do, but she doesn’t realize how badly I need out of this town. I’ll never be anything
