“Everything okay?” I asked.
His fingers drummed along the top of the bar like he wasnervous. “You could have come to me, you know.”
“For…” I had no idea where he was going with this. To ask hispermission to fuck Penny? That was a pretty weird request. Were they swingers? Orwas he talking about something else?
“I used to be your wingman,” he said.
“That was a long time ago.” James hadn’t been my wingmansince we were teenagers. Rob had been more of my wingman before he’d met hiswife. Now my only wingman was Tanner. And why did everyone I know keep wantingto insert themselves into my lack of a love life?
“It doesn’t mean I couldn’t help you with this stuff now,” hesaid.
I didn’t need help. Especially his help.
The bartender dropped off our drink order, but James didn’tmove to go back to the table.
“Is Penny really the best person to ask for help with this?”James asked. “She doesn’t really know anything about what you’ve been through.”
What I’ve been through? That was a very cordial way tosay that my fiancée had died. But I knew he was implying more than just that. Pennywas one of the only people in my life that hadn’t met Brooklyn. Penny didn’tknow I was in love once. She didn’t know I had been engaged. She didn’t knowabout any of it.
I picked up my fresh drink and took a hearty sip. “No oneknows what I’ve been through. And that includes you.”
“Matt.” He didn’t say anything else. He just lowered hiseyebrows at me as I took another sip of my drink. Like he was worried that Iwas an alcoholic or something. Hadn’t he gotten the memo? That was him.
“I really don’t want to talk about this.” I took another sip.
“You don’t want to talk about dating? Or Brooklyn?”
Hearing her name out loud felt like a punch in the gut. Great,he was here for me now. But he hadn’t been there for me when I’d needed him tobe. He’d flirted with Brooklyn behind my back. He’d kissed her. He’d fuckingproposed to her. He didn’t get to stand here and pretend he had my back whenhis favorite pastime in high school was stabbing it. “I’m not talking about herwith you.”
“It’s been 16 years.”
“It doesn’t feel like that long ago to me.” It felt likeyesterday when I’d held her in my arms. I downed the rest of my drink and wavedthe bartender over to top me off. James was the only one of my friends thatever tried to talk to me about Brooklyn. We’d all made a promise not to bringher up until I said I was ready. James kept breaking that promise a few timesevery year. I wasn’t ready twelve years ago, or five, or fucking now. We bothknew that he didn’t really care.
James still didn’t touch his drink. “Penny said that you toldher you wanted to settle down. Is that really what you want?”
I wanted a lot of things I could never have. But mostly Iwanted out of this conversation. “I’m not going to talk about this with you.”
“But you’ll talk to my wife?”
I clenched my jaw.
“That’s fine. If you think she can help you move on, I wantthat for you.”
He was supposed to be mad at me right now. Not overly caring.“So you don’t care if I hang out with Penny one on one for hours at a time?” Iwas purposely pushing his buttons and I didn’t know why. Maybe I was the onethat wanted to fight.
“I was under the impression that Tanner would be there nowtoo. But when you put it like that…” he shook his head. “What do you want me tosay, Matt? That I’ll fucking kill you if you ever touch her again like you didthe other night in my home? Because I’m pretty sure that’s always implied.”
“It’s creepy that you watch Penny 24/7.”
He didn’t acknowledge my comment with a response. “You and Iare friends. So stop acting like we’re not. I know you lost Brooklyn. I knowshe loved you. But it doesn’t mean you were the only one who lost something theday she died. She was my friend.”
“Your friend? Do you always kiss your friends?”
“Do you?”
I shook my head. I hadn’t kissed Penny. Yeah, I’d wanted to. ButI didn’t. He’d kissed Brooklyn 16 years ago though. I wasn’t the dick here. Hewas.
“We were just kids,” James said. “And I’ve apologized a dozentimes.”
“Maybe try apologizing a dozen more.”
“I’m sorry I kissed Brooklyn 16 years ago out of revenge. I’msorry. I’m sorry.” He said it a few more times and I laughed.
“You can stop. I get it. You’re sorry.” Honestly, I believedhim. I was sorry for a lot of things too.
“I am.” He rested his elbows on the bar, not showing anyintention of going back to our table. “And I do see it. The similaritiesbetween Penny and Brooklyn. I get it. But Penny isn’t Brooklyn.”
I knew that. I looked down at my glass.
“Are you going to tell her about Brooklyn?” he asked.
“No.”
“Okay.” He finally took a sip from his glass.
I looked up at him. “You really haven’t already told Pennyabout Brooklyn?”
He shook his head. “It’s hard for me to talk about Brooklyntoo. And I made a promise to you that I wouldn’t bring her up.”
“Then why do you keep bringing her up to me?”
“Because you’re the only one back in high school that seemedto realize that I had a problem. I think I’m the only one that sees that youhave one now.”
I wanted him to be saying I was an alcoholic. But we bothknew what he was implying. Because I felt it. I was stuck. I couldn’t moveforward because I was haunted by the past. And even worse, I had no intentionof fixing any of it. Every day felt like I was drowning.
“Looks like Tanner is here,” James said.
Tanner had just walked in. Despite what Rob said, Tannerwasn’t wearing a man bun or goblin elf shoes. But he did have some blonde chickon his arm. What was he doing? I’d told him this was a boys’ night.
Chapter 8
Saturday
I
