“I didn’t think about it from your perspective. Same as I didn’t realize how much it bothered you when me and Dad did stuff without you. I get it now. I hope you can forgive me for being short-sighted.”
We’re quiet for a few moments.
“Well,” he finally says. “I hope you can work stuff out with Cole. Like if that’s a thing you want to do, if you don’t hate him for ditching you or whatever.”
“Thanks. I hope so too.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
He lurks for a few more seconds. “Don’t pull that again. I was totally freaked,” he says. Then he hightails it out of my room before anything gets touchy-feely.
I fall hard into sleep.
31
Remix
Ash
Thursday morning, even though I’ve only had a few hours of sleep, I get up early. I want today’s outfit to reflect where I am: still at least half dude, but on the way back to girl. A mix. In the crossfade where both are true.
It doesn’t feel bad, or like an airport. Or a turtle.
In fact, I like it here.
I do about ten wardrobe remixes before settling on a pair of ripped black jeans, the knockoff blue Doc Marten boots I got from Goodwill, a sleeveless pink blouse with a lacy collar, and an unnecessary but cool wallet chain. I thicken my brows with an eyeliner pencil and tie my hair back, then look in my full-length mirror.
I look like five different styles had an argument and nobody won. But it feels fun and quirky and totally me right now.
At school, I head to my locker. Bella is there waiting. My stomach dips when I see her, but I walk over with my head high. I didn’t realize till now that I’m taller than her. “Can I help you?”
“I, um.” She looks down. One sneaker-clad foot is over the top of the other. She mumbles something I can’t catch in the loud hallway.
“What?”
She meets my eyes. “I said I’m sorry. I just wanted to find my dog.”
I blink.
“I shouldn’t have threatened to out you or whatever.” She looks up and down at my outfit and smiles faintly. “One of my friends showed me your Insta last night and . . . well, I listened to your song.”
A smile stretches across my face. “You did?”
“Yeah.” She seems to relax now that she doesn’t think I’m going to yell at her. “It’s really good. It made me realize I was, like . . . in tunnel vision, or whatever. Just focused on Chewbarka instead of seeing the big picture.” She looks down the hallway.
“Okay. That’s cool.”
“Yeah, so the big picture, I mean, if Chewbarka’s safe, and okay . . . that’s what matters. I mean it sucks that—” She bites her lip. “That my dad did what he did. That sucks and I’m so freaking mad at him. But I’m glad somebody, whoever it was”—she gives me a hard look—“is taking care of her.”
“She’s in a great place,” I say.
“Do you think you could tell me—”
“I can’t, really. I’m sorry.” I’m not the one who gets to decide this. If Daniel wants to tell her, he can.
She gives a frustrated sigh. “Right. Well.” She nods and then starts to walk away.
“Hey, Bella,” I call after her. “Thanks.”
“For what?”
I shrug and smile. “I needed a kick in the pants.”
Zoey watches me walk into our English classroom. She comes over and sits backward in the desk in front of me. “Is that song you posted last night the one you were writing for my band?”
Jeez, has the whole school seen it? “It was. But I guess it wasn’t a good fit.”
Jordan comes in. “Dude! That song was fire!”
I grin at her. “Thanks.”
Zoey gives Jordan the stink eye, then turns back to me. “So what are you, then?”
“What do you mean?” I know what she means. I just want to make her say it.
“Are you a girl or a boy?”
I show her my fingernails. “Both. Obviously.”
She rolls her eyes. “I mean what’s in your pants?”
Jordan looks uncomfortable. “Uh, Zoey, that’s kinda—”
“Armageddon,” I say, then laugh at Zoey’s annoyed face. “I don’t ask you about the shape and size of your junk, so keep your questions out of mine. It’s super rude.”
Jordan covers her mouth to hide a laugh.
“You’re a major disappointment.” Zoey stalks over to her seat.
Jordan shakes her head as she watches Zoey walk away. “That’s the opposite of punk solidarity.” She lifts an eyebrow. “What do you think about forming a new band?”
“Not a girl band?”
“A band that dresses however the heck we want and plays good music. Regardless.”
“I’m so in.”
Toward the end of English, I text Daniel. Bella apologized. What do you think of telling her where Chewbarka is? I don’t think she’ll tell her dad. She’s super mad at him. But I’ll keep a lid on it if you want. It’s up to you.
He texts back just before the bell rings. If she swears she won’t say anything to him, and you trust that she’s telling the truth, I’ll trust your judgment.
A bubble of happiness rises in me. Great! Maybe we can all visit Chewy this weekend.
I’d like that so much, Daniel says.
In the cafeteria, Bella is eating with a group of kids by the door. I wave at her, then go sit by Griffey.
“Oh, look. You’re you out loud.” He grins at my outfit.
“I couldn’t live with the thought of boring you to death. It weighed on my conscience.”
“As it should’ve.”
I do a double take. Bella’s coming over with her lunch tray.
She nods at Griff and sits down. “I’m sorry I threatened your friend,” she tells him, way more easily than she apologized to me this morning.
Griff shrugs. “Tell Ash that.”
“I already did.”
I nod to back her up.
“Righteous,” Griff says. “I’m sorry people were garbage to you on social yesterday.”
Bella sighs. “I kinda deserved it.”
“No, you didn’t,” I say. “Nobody deserves that when they’re freaked out about their dog.”
She gives me a grateful smile.
“Listen,” I say. “If I tell you where your dog is, will you tell your dad?”
“You’re kidding, right? He literally tried to kill
