“A lot of things.” Ellie looked down at her hands. “Mostly about Trevor.”
“Did she love him?”
“She said she did.” Ellie’s brow rose halfway to her hairline. “Could Mama really love anyone but herself?”
“Maybe.”
“Then why didn’t she leave Jim?” Ellie countered. “Why torture him and us? No, Mama didn’t know anything about love. Didn’t understand love. What she thought was love was addiction. Desperation.”
I had no answer to that. Ellie and I had gone to therapy for over a year after Bethany got custody of us. I’d continued intermittently through college. Ellie had stopped the moment Bethany let her, but her insights always impressed me anyway.
“What else did Mama say?” I asked.
Her expression darkened. “Nothing.”
“She—”
“What’s going on?” Ellie demanded. “Tell me, Lizbeth. You have me all freaked out. We haven’t talked about Mama in years.”
The reply stalled in my throat. Because I’m afraid I’ll end up just like her.
“I care about JJ,” I whispered.
Ellie didn’t seem fazed, and that frightened me. Was I so transparent? Did he see it? He must—why else would he show me such lovely affection?
Would it be a bad thing if he knew?
The waitress handed me another warm mug of tea and turned to Ellie, who shook her head and waved her off. It bought me a few seconds to pull my scattered heartstrings back together.
“And?” Ellie asked.
“And I . . . I don’t want to end up like Mama.”
“You’re afraid that if you commit to someone you’ll end up like her?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“JJ doesn’t believe in romance.”
She stared at me in puzzlement, then her eyes grew wide and her mouth dropped open.
Before she could argue, I held up a hand. “Hold on. Don’t jump to conclusions. I wouldn’t say no to JJ just because he doesn’t believe in romance like I do. I know that romance isn’t everything, it’s just . . .”
Unsure of how to finish that thought, I let it trail away.
Ellie leaned back, the pad of her thumb running over the top of her mug. She regarded me, then asked, “And has it been romantic with JJ?”
“Well . . . no. And definitely yes.”
Her brow furrowed. “What?”
I threw my hands in the air. “I don’t know, Ellie! I’m so confused. All the things that were supposed to be romantic didn’t really feel that romantic. There are moments I care so much about him I could choke, but they’re never the times I expect.”
“So?”
“So?” I cried. “So what if I fall for him even harder? What if we get into a relationship and the romance fades and it all falls apart and I turn into Mama? Or worse—what if I turn JJ into Dad?”
Ellie blinked twice. “Just because Mama was a mess over romance doesn’t mean you’re going to live her life.”
“I’m a mess over romance, Ellie! I remember her obsession with romance. She read books as fast as I did. Watched the movies with me. Convinced me that romance was the only way to be safe.”
“And it’s not?”
“No! Maybe. I don’t know. Real life is different. It’s not what she told me it would be. While parts of my time with him are wonderful, some of it isn’t. It frightens me because I’m not sure what to believe anymore. What’s real?”
“Your feelings for him must be real.”
“They are, and I care for him.” Maybe love him. I tucked the traitorous thought away for later. “Maybe Mama felt that way about Dad at first. About Bethany’s father. About Trevor. When it comes to romance, Mama and I . . . we’re practically the same person. That side of Mama lives on in me.”
And it may have been her darkest legacy, I silently added.
To that, Ellie had nothing to say. Finally, she reached a hand across the table and grabbed mine. Uncertainty—even fear—lurked in the depths of her bright, glacial eyes.
“I don’t know what to say, Lizbeth. I’m sorry. I’m not great at this. But I just don’t think you’re doomed to be like Mama because you love romance. You’re not Mama.”
“Maybe not,” I whispered. “But what if I’m enough like her that I destroy everyone who’s important to me? What if romance is what drove her to make all the decisions she did? I’m not . . . I’m not even sure romance is real anymore.” I looked away. “Not the way I imagined it. Maybe it’s just been a crutch. A place to hide.”
Until I said the words, I didn’t realize how deeply they’d bothered me. Pricking thorns on my soul. Festering wounds. The devastation in my heart left me breathless. Romance in real life was breathtaking and exciting, but also treacherous. Although the books described anguish and heartbreak, it never felt real to me until now.
Romance was more than just hope—it was agony. Duality. A double-edged sword. As dark as it was bright, as bloody as it was holy. As menacing as it was comforting.
How had I been this naive? How had I come this far in life, lauded for my intelligence, but still holding on to such a ridiculous farce? Books. Movies. Stories I’d relished to the depths of my bones. Had the music, the costumes, the ideas in my head somehow hidden the truth?
That love broke as much as it restored?
“I’m sorry that I don’t know what to say,” Ellie whispered.
With warmth, I gripped her hand and mustered a smile that seemed to appease her a little. “Thank you. I just needed to know that I hadn’t made this up. That this side of Mama was real. You said all the right things.”
“Mama was lovesick, Lizzy,” she whispered. “And she let it rule her. Don’t do that, and you’ll be fine. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Do you need a ride back to Adventura?”
I shook my head. “JJ was doing something somewhere. He’ll text me when he’s done and take me back with him.”
Ellie hesitated as if to say something, then decided against it and gave me a little smile. “Then I better go. I have class tomorrow and homework to finish. Keep me updated, okay?”
I nodded. With that, she squeezed my
