And just as suddenly, he got up and went and sat across the room, where he lit a cigarette. “Get up,” he ordered, and I did. Without his body to cover me, the cold in the room rushed up and gathered around me like mist. I was surprised that I didn’t feel embarrassed, only mystified and a little disappointed.
As if to explain himself, he spoke again. “I don’t want to hear any more talk of who is stronger. It’s childish.” He gestured with the cigarette. “I could have done anything I wanted with you a moment ago. But I don’t want you that way. I never did.” He inhaled on the cigarette. “Let’s not argue any more. I’m not waiting till morning. I’ll be gone tonight, and I’d much rather leave on good terms.”
I smoothed my hair back and asked, “Have you packed yet?”
“No.”
“Do you—would you like me to help you?” I was a good packer, despite the fact I’d only packed the one time for our honeymoon. Long ago, I had drawn up a packing list of things I would take with me to Kathmandu, and every so often I revised it. But Luca didn’t want me to help.
“It isn’t necessary,” he said. “I’ve so few possessions. I hope you don’t mind if I take your suitcase. I have none of my own.”
“You mean the one you gave me for my birthday?” I asked, amazed at his gall.
“The very one.”
“I sure as hell do mind. It was a present and I think it’s mighty stingy of you to take it back now. Why can’t you put your things in a paper sack?”
“I’d look like a vagrant.”
“You’d look like a vagrant anyway with that old suitcase. The cardboard’s bubbled and the clasps are rusted.”
“Then why do you want to keep it if it’s so badly worn?”
“Because…” I began, resenting the need for explanation. “Because it’s mine!”
“Very well,” he said unmiffed. “There’s another bag I found in my closet. Someone must have left it. I’ll use that.”
“Oh no, you won’t.”
“Why not? Whoever left it, I’m sure he’s not coming back for it after all these years.”
“You can’t have it because it’s official property of the Inn.”
He laughed out loud. “All right. I will leave the Inn and all its contents intact.” He made to leave the room, but I blocked his way.
“Why are you rushing off all of a sudden?”
“It’s not sudden. I’ve meant to leave a hundred times before this.” He pushed past me.
“Can’t you wait just a little while,” I persisted, “a few weeks, maybe, just until I get everything straightened out here?”
He turned on the first landing of the stair. “No. The inn has never been straightened out. It never will be.”
I tried to think of more to say, but nothing was forthcoming. So in frustration, I blurted out, “You’re a bastard to leave me this way.”
He turned and drew himself up, offended. “What insults I’ve borne today. Earlier, I was the son of a dog and now my parentage is in question. You’re not a poor little girl, Darcy, and you’re as unconvincing now as you were that night on the porch a few summers ago.”
I felt the color come to my face, remembering that night, and I spoke quickly hoping he would not notice. “You were disgusting that night.”
He smiled at me. “Then it’s just as well I go. If I were to stay in the house with you, I would probably be disgusting again…and again and again.”
He was teasing me, but I wasn’t up to it. There were more serious things to consider. “What would I have to do to get you to stay for a little while?” I watched as he dimpled all over and showed his perfect teeth. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”
“I am.”
“Well, don’t expect me to tell you how wonderful you are. Or to make some dramatic declaration that would only embarrass us both.”
“If I had wanted that, I’d have married Caroline.”
“She wouldn’t have you,” I reminded him.
“That’s my wife,” he said laughing, “Never lets me get too pleased with myself,” and then suddenly he wasn’t laughing anymore, and there was a new light in his eyes.
On the landing just above me, he reached out. “Come here to me,” he said quietly, and I went without any more hesitation in the direction I had slowly and fitfully been moving all along.
“There is only one thing I want for us, Darcy,” he whispered into my hair. “I want us to live as husband and wife and to love each other until we are so old that it seems we were born together. We need never talk about it, but we’ll know. We’ll know it’s there beneath all the trouble that will come to us.”
I didn’t speak. It was just what I wanted to say to him, put into words better than I ever could have. So I just swallowed and nodded and followed him up the stairs with a feeling of ascension that was more than just the simple act of climbing to the second floor.
6.
Some Corner of the Hubbub Couch’d
We didn’t go to his bedroom. We didn’t go to mine. We took the best room at the inn and one we had rarely used except for the most special of guests. And Luca and I, we were special guests, special guests in a special place, known briefly, lost soon, and grieved forever.
Time slowed as I sat on the bed, wishing it were darker so that he could not see my face, but glad of enough light to see his. I watched him take off his shirt. Fascinated, I watched each finger undo each button. There were five of them.
“Take your clothes
