With an even wider smile, Rurik secured the tape over Bill’s mouth once more, patting it for good measure. He leaned in closer. “Auberi said I had to keep you with me and out of harm’s way. He did not say I had to listen to you. I am keeping you safe. You can’t get into trouble while you’re bound.”
Bill grunted and carried on to the point Rurik made a move to shut the hatch again and leave him there. The man stopped and mumbled something that sounded a lot like “I’ll be good.”
Pulling the tape open on one side, Rurik watched him. “Come again?”
“I’ll be good,” grumbled Bill. “Untie me. This tape itches, and I gotta take a leak. So, unless you’re gonna hold my wee-Billy-winker, you need to free my hands and find me a place to piss or I’m gonna use my pants.”
Against his better judgment, he undid Bill’s bindings and freed him.
Bill rolled over onto his side with his back to Rurik and pulled up his leg before letting out a long, loud fart.
Backing up and out of the stench, Rurik growled. “Was that necessary?”
Bill belched as he sat up, his shirt riding higher on his belly. “Nope. But it was fun. Damn, I think I smell the sauerkraut I ate last week in that one. Could be wrong. Might be all the milk I drank last night. Gus says I’m lactose intolerant, whatever the fuck that means. Might have been a little of that pie in that fart too. I love pie.”
Rurik’s nostrils burned from the lingering smell in the air. “I do not know what the cause of your stench is, but I think you should see a medical professional. Nothing alive should smell that bad.”
With a grin, Bill slid out of the back of the SUV, showing a sizeable amount of butt crack as he did. He lifted a leg, jerked it a few times, and farted more. His eyes widened, and he set his foot down fast. “Might have trusted that last one more than I should have.”
“You didn’t,” said Rurik, unable to believe this was what his life had been reduced to. If he ever got his hands on the hybrid assholes that left him on light duty, he’d rip their damn heads off.
Bill looked over his shoulder at his backside and grinned. “False alarm. All is well.”
Rurik rolled his eyes. “Go shower. You stink. That only added to the smell that was already coming from you. When is the last time you bathed?”
“I got me a streak going and I ain’t breaking it. No shower for me today, Russia,” replied Bill, taking large, rather awkward steps in the other direction. If the man thought he could outrun Rurik, even in Rurik’s current state, he was wrong.
Rurik pointed to the back porch. “Go shower. I already put toiletries in the front upstairs bathroom. Use that one. The little bit of clothing you packed is laid out on the bed in that front bedroom as well. I’ll go and buy you something else to wear tomorrow. I told you to bring changes of clothes for a week. But no, what did you bring in your bag?”
Bill pursed his lips. “Some clothes. And then I brought snack food, beer, and weed. All the staples. Oh, and girlie magazines. Vintage ones, man. The good shit. You know, hair where hair should be. You want to look at one? I got one with bodybuilder chicks in it. Hot. I won’t think less of you if you need a few minutes of alone time. Might help get that stick out of your ass if you give the old sput-dick a tug or two.”
“How is it that no one has killed you yet?” asked Rurik.
Bill put his hands up, indicating he didn’t know. “Lucky, I guess. So, is that a yes on the magazine?”
“Go clean up. We need to blend in. Between what you’re wearing and how you smell, there is no chance we’re going to avoid notice,” said Rurik. He’d have lifted the man and carried him in to clean him, but that would mean touching him.
No thank you.
With a look that said he wasn’t going to listen in the least, Bill walked toward a tree near the detached garage.
“Do not even think of it. It’s enough you are dressed like an American welcome wagon,” spat Rurik. “You urinating on a tree will not help us keep a low profile.”
“But it will let me drain the lizard,” said Bill with a grin. “Question, when the government was handing out big dongs to you guys, did they give you big bladders too? You didn’t need to piss once that whole car ride. Amazing. I went every hour.”
Rurik rethought killing him.
Bill proceeded to piss on the tree, making a loud, long noise so anyone within earshot would know the relief he was feeling.
Growling, Rurik stood there, his bear poking at him from within, ready and willing to make a snack of the small man.
Bill shook his hips as he took the world’s longest piss. “Oh, that feels so good.”
“Finish. Then go get cleaned up and changed,” pressed Rurik. “I need to talk Abraham Lincoln out of the SUV.”
“Hey, how is it you know who Abraham Lincoln is?” asked Bill. “Guessing he ain’t talked about much behind the Iron Curtain.”
Rurik held back a smart remark. “He is on American currency. I was curious. I read a book about him.”
Bill shrugged.
Gus was still planted in the passenger seat, refusing to budge.
Bill shook his head. “He ain’t ready to get out yet. He will when it’s time. And I already told you no about the shower. What’s Russian for ‘clean the shit out of your ears and listen’?”
Rurik rubbed his brow before shaking his head. He’d gladly
