One morning after getting fired—again—I treat myself to a nice brunch at MKT Restaurant inside the Four Seasons, with extra mimosas, because, why not?
On my way home to take a nap before meeting Hugo, I’m gazing out the window of the cab, only a few blocks from home, when we pass the sign.
“It’s back.” The words explode from my mouth in a near yell.
“What?” Startled, the cab driver glares at me in the rearview.
“Can you pull over here, please?”
He parks. I pay him and jump out of the car, racing back down the block to the Druid’s Stone.
I push on the door and it swings open.
“You’re back!” I exclaim to . . . no one. Nothing’s changed. Same old giant cash register, same cluttered shelves, same cuckoo clock in the corner.
Same teenage girl just waiting to pop up when I least expect it, I’m sure.
I meander around for a minute, but she doesn’t appear.
I yawn. The mimosas made me sleepy. There’s nowhere to sit in here, so I head down the hallway to the garden in the back.
Still no sign of my psychic friend, so I sit on the bench and lean back, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath.
It’s nice and quiet, just the soothing tumble of water through the fountain in the corner.
I open my eyes and am unsurprised that someone is sitting next to me, sitting way too close, even though I didn’t hear her sit down.
“Hello,” I say.
She smiles. “I love this garden.”
“Me too. It’s peaceful.”
She nods and we sit together, unmoving, unspeaking for long minutes. Time passes. I’m not sure how long, but it doesn’t really matter.
“The only way through is to love, Jane.”
I lift my brows, surprised she spoke first. “Yeah, you’ve mentioned that.”
She nods.
My mind wanders. I gaze at the fountain, watching the water fall into the pond.
The only way through is to love. That’s what she said the first time I came here. No. She said, the only way through is to love, Jane.
The same thing she said just now.
Kind of weird she said it again—and it doesn’t work, by the way, I mean I love Alex, and yet I’m still here and maybe I should mention to her that she is way off. But—
Wait.
Something in my chest twists and wrenches. I suck in a sharp breath.
No. No. I was wrong. I heard it wrong.
She isn’t telling me the only way through is for me to love someone, or something, else.
That’s what I heard, but it’s not what she said.
Time is outside. Happiness is inside.
Bee said something similar. It has to come from in here. In me.
What she said was the only way through is to love Jane.
There’s no comma.
I put the comma there.
Lightheaded, I slump on the bench, the realization washing over me in a wave, the truth of it sinking into my bones and settling with the rightness of it.
She didn’t say, Jane, the only way through is to love, she said I need to love Jane.
Me. I need to love myself. Accept myself, exactly as I am, warts and all.
I blink back tears. Holy hell, that’s deep.
Giddiness pulses through me. I want to hoot at the sky, but at the same time I’m struck silent, immobile, reeling with emotions. Happiness that I know what I need to work on next, satisfaction that I figured it out, and fear that I won’t be able to do something so simple and yet so essential. Why is it so hard to love myself?
“Isn’t it a beautiful day?” my teenage best friend says. Her head tilts back, eyes shut, a small smile on her face.
I grin up at the desolate fog. “It sure as shit is.”
Chapter Twenty-One
“I really love your shirt,” Stacey says. “Is that new?”
“It is.” I grin. “I made it.”
“Really?” One of Stacey’s brows quirk up.
The blouse is a bright teal, paired with black pants that have matching teal seams. I did my makeup and hair the way Dolly taught me, taking extra time, which means I showed up even later than normal, but I’m late every day and it never makes a difference. I simply don’t care anymore. I realize now that it doesn’t matter, so why let it stress me out? I’m just hurting me. No one else gives a shit.
“We’re ready when you are,” Blade says.
“Right so . . .” I stare down at the papers in my hands.
What am I doing? Why am I doing this to myself? Is this really what I want? Am I putting myself through this every day because I want to keep working here, or am I doing it because I want to prove to them I can?
Blade motions with a hand. “Being the focus of attention is something you’ll have to get used to for the position you want. It’s best to get started.”
But do I want this position? Is it even about me, or is it about what people think about me? “Actually,” I shake my head, “no.”
“No?” Blade and Drew exchange a glance. This time, it’s not commiserating looks of irritation aimed in my general direction. They’re surprised. Blade’s brows are nearly to his hairline and Drew . . . well, he still looks pretty stern and serious, actually.
“Yeah, no. I’m not going to do this. I quit.”
They continue to exchange looks, a silent message passing between the three of them. Something I’m used to, but this time it’s . . . different. Stacey is smiling. Drew’s lips are pursed, a small groove between his brows. Blade is frowning, but that’s how he always looks.
“I get that I don’t fit in, okay? I know it. And frankly, I don’t care. So.” I shrug. “Have a nice day.” I leave, walking away, leaving them in the room gaping after me. I’m grinning so big my cheeks hurt. I finally freaking did it.
I totally nailed my pitch. I laugh out loud, giddy. That was fun. And, even better, I can quit again tomorrow if I want.
But the euphoria is short lived.
“Hey. Jane.
