‘Arrival of George III and Queen Charlotte (Union Jackshirt Wilkins and Mrs Lace).
‘Speech of Welcome by Lord Chalford (Union Jackshirt Noel Foster).
‘Answering speech by George III.
‘Pause, for Morris dancing.
‘First messenger arrives announcing the victory of Wolfe over French Pacifists at Quebec.
‘First Episode: Wolfe, while reading Gray’s “Elegy in a Country Churchyard” to his troops, is hit by a stray bullet and dies on a heap of straw. Rackenbridge brass band plays the “Dead March in Saul”.
‘Messenger arrives announcing the doings at the Boston Tea Party. Speech by George III “Leave our Great Empire then, vile democrats,” etc.
‘Second Episode: The Burghers of Boston, with halters round their necks, pour their tea on the ground and drink illicit whisky instead. Rackenbridge brass band does not play the “Dead March in Saul”, (as it did on Monday) but “Little Brown Jug Don’t I Love Thee”.
‘Messenger arrives announcing that Clive and Warren Hastings have disgraced themselves in India.
‘Third Episode: Clive and Warren Hastings, seated on an elephant, are surrounded by Nautch girls – (by the way, I hope the hind legs is here this afternoon, Miss Trant had to be them on Monday – Ah! Union Jackshirt Pierpont, good). Rackenbridge brass band plays “In a Persian Garden”.
‘Pause, for the ennobling of Pitt. Rackenbridge brass band plays “For he’s a jolly good fellow”.
‘Messenger arrives announcing the French Revolution. Rackenbridge brass band plays “Mademoiselle from Armentières”.
‘Another messenger arrives announcing the wounding of Nelson at the Canary Islands and his naval victory over French Pacifists.
‘Speech by George III. “God blew His breath and they were scattered”, etc.
‘Fourth Episode: Nelson, his telescope pressed to his blind eye, and staring at Lady Hamilton with his other one, has his arm blown off. Rackenbridge brass band plays “Every nice girl loves a sailor, every nice girl loves a tar”. Tableau of Lady Hamilton in one of her attitudes.
‘Messenger arrives announcing Death of Nelson.
‘Fifth Episode: Nelson dying on a heap of straw, Hardy kisses him. Speech by Nelson, “It is a far, far better thing I do”, etc. Nelson dies saying, “Look after pretty witty Emmie”. Rackenbridge brass band plays the “Dead March in Saul” again.
‘Final tableau: “The Exile of Napoleon”.
‘Rackenbridge brass band plays “God save the King”.
‘I hope that is all quite clear to you now,’ said Jasper, rather hoarsely, as he jumped down from his chair.
Meanwhile, the neighbourhood was turning up in force. Had T.P.O.F. only known it, her change of plans was to avail her nothing, and the very people whose presence beneath her roof was so obnoxious to her were all busily paying their shillings at the park gates. They were not only eager to enjoy this pageant, the advertisements of which had been so strangely worded, but most of them had long been immensely curious to see Eugenia, the unknown heiress, and the by now almost legendary beauties of Chalford House. Large shining cars therefore sailed up the drive one after another, to be directed by Comrades to a rather soggy parking-place where they disgorged the infamous élite of the neighbourhood. They all laughed and chattered together, crying out that the house was a dream and wondering whether they should meet Eugenia; the weight of shame lay lightly upon their shoulders – they would have been surprised if they knew the violence of Lady Chalford’s feelings about them.
The hour of three was near at hand. Mrs Lace, resplendently 1927 in her gilded American-cloth dress and wig of paper-clips, had long ago disappeared with Mr Wilkins to a place behind the kitchen-garden, where the royal coach awaited them. The party of welcomers was gracefully posed round the front door, ready to greet the Sovereign and his Consort with elegant bows and curtsies; Beau Brummels, Scarlet Pimpernels and Lady Teezles lined the drive for as far as the eye could see, all agog to make a loyal eighteenth-century demonstration. The crowd of onlookers had assumed proportions such as nobody had dared to hope for.
A hush of expectation fell upon all.
‘Something awful is going to happen,’ said Jasper, nervously. ‘I know it.’
At last thrilling cheers were heard, the coach was evidently on its way. A shudder of excitement swept the crowd, all necks were craned to see the great arrival, all breaths were drawn in to swell the cheering which was coming ever nearer. Suddenly it wavered, lost heart and stopped. A noise like thunder was heard instead, punctuated by horrible thin shrieks, and the next moment the coach came crashing into sight with horses at full gallop and evidently quite out of control. Mrs Lace, screaming loudly, was attempting to throw herself out of a window, and was being forcibly restrained from doing so by Mr Wilkins. Both their wigs had fallen off.
The crowd now took to its heels. It seemed as though nothing could save coach and horses from being dashed to pieces against Chalford House when suddenly, Mr Wilkins, having thrown Mrs Lace on to the floor, climbed out through the window and up on to the coachman’s seat, where he wrenched the reins from the trembling and inefficient hands of Lady Chalford’s ancient groom. In the
