‘I say, darling,’ whispered one of the pretty ladies to Marjorie, ‘is that a fortune-teller over by the window, or what? And who is that lovely mad-looking girl with no hat?’
Major Lace now appeared. He had been best man to his friend and had only just got away from the registry office. Mrs Lace, for once in her life, was pleased to see her husband. In all this large gay crowd nobody was paying any attention to her; she almost felt that she would be glad to be back in Chalford again where she was the undisputed belle.
‘Are you going to marry Union Jackshirt Aspect?’ Eugenia asked Poppy.
‘Yes darling, I am, isn’t it wonderful. My husband was rather tiresome about it at first, but now he’s really behaving quite well and I think, with any luck, he ought to let me divorce him.’
‘Why?’ asked Eugenia.
‘Well, it’s not usual for ladies to be divorced, you know, my sweet, and the old boy has always been a great one for etiquette. Those detectives were never anything to do with him at all, just down there for a hol. we found out afterwards. Awfully funny, really, when one thinks of it. Will you come to my wedding, Eugenia?’
‘I will, and we’ll have a Social Unionist guard of honour, if you like. I hope you will be very happy, Cousin Poppy St Julien, and continue to work for the Cause after your marriage.’
At luncheon Jasper and Noel sat one on each side of Mrs Lace.
‘By the way old boy,’ Jasper said to Noel, leaning across her, ‘I don’t want that job of yours any more. Poppy and I got forty thousand pounds for the tiara, you know, and I think of standing for Parliament or something like that as soon as the divorce is over. It occurred to me that if your Viennese business doesn’t come off as you hope, you might care to go back to Fruel’s. Sir Percy seems quite anxious to have you there again. I went to see him yesterday about a few investments I am making.’
‘Too kind of you,’ said Noel.
Faint suspicions, shadowy doubts which had long been gathering in Mrs Lace’s mind were thus rudely confirmed. She would not, however, allow her brain to take in the full-portent of all this until she was safely in her first-class carriage, alone with Major Lace. Then she cried and cried. Major Lace supposed that she was in the family way again. She was.
Afterwards, Jasper said to Noel, ‘Was it tactless of me to mention Fruel’s like that? It occurred to me, too late, that perhaps you would really feel safer if she thought you were abroad?’
‘She seems just about as ready to wind it all up as I am. I do think girls are queer.’
‘Perhaps she has found out something to your discredit.’
‘I don’t suppose any such thing,’ said Noel, peevishly.
‘Bit tired of you perhaps?’
‘Certainly not. The girl is madly in love with me, madly, but the husband has been cutting up rough and all that, and naturally she can’t face leaving the children.’
‘That must be a great relief for you, old boy.’
After luncheon the elder statesman made a speech proposing the health of bride and bridegroom. It was a long speech with rather poor jokes distributed like sugar plums here and there. Lady Marjorie replied to it, as Mr Wilkins was too bashful. She said that it was fearfully kind of everybody to give her a second lot of wonderful wedding presents so soon after having the first ones returned. The second ones were much the nicest, too. She was fearfully happy, she said, inconsequently, and indeed this was apparent to all beholders. She hoped that everybody would come to her house-warming party when she and Mr Wilkins had returned from their honeymoon and settled in Carlton House Terrace, where she had bought a house. ‘In fact, you can all come and stay if you like,’ she added, ‘as we shall have quantities of spare rooms.’
‘Good,’ said Jasper, ‘“where I drinks I sleeps” has always been my favourite motto.’
Eugenia was now called upon, and leapt to her feet without the smallest diffidence, amid ringing cheers. She said that she was sure nobody could grudge any amount of gorgeous wedding presents to such a heavenly person as Lady Marjorie, or to such a brave Union Jackshirt as Mr Wilkins. In any case they certainly took with them on their honeymoon any amount of good wishes from herself and all the members of the Chalford Branch. As for the spare rooms, she said, it was to be hoped that they would soon be quite filled up with healthy little Aryan babies. The company then rose at her suggestion and sang:
‘Land of Union Jackshirts,
Mother of the Flag.’
Two days later Noel was back once more in the office of Fruel and Grimthorpe. Miss Brisket, Miss Clumps and Mr Farmer sat as of old in their appointed places. Noel was just coming to the end of a long telephone conversation. ‘No, I’m sorry,’ he was saying, in a firm and final voice, ‘not sufficiently attractive.’
PIGEON PIE
To Phyllis Blake, Margaret Candler
and, of course, to the
Wonderful Old Songster
of Kew Green himself
I dedicate this book.
I hope that anybody who is kind enough to read it in a second edition will remember that it was written before Christmas 1939. Published on 6 May 1940 it was an early and unimportant casualty of the real war which was then beginning.
Nancy Mitford, Paris 1951
1
Sophia Garfield had a clear mental picture of what the outbreak of war was going to be like. There would be a loud bang, succeeded by inky darkness and a cold wind. Stumbling over heaps of rubble and dead bodies, Sophia would search with industry, but without hope, for her husband,
