When she was done, she looked down and all she could see was soil and rubble. It wasn’t enough but it would do for now. She quickly covered it back up with tarpaulin and lit another cigarette. When she was done, she went back inside, washed her hands and picked up his phone. There were four missed calls, all from C. She deleted them and put the phone into his coat pocket along with his letter. She’d deal with them later. Then she scrubbed the floor and walls, removing all traces of blood like she was on autopilot, as though it was crayon marks or food stains from a toddler’s grubby little fingers. She took the ornament to the kitchen sink and cleaned it thoroughly before putting it back on the sideboard, exactly where it had been before. Finally, she showered, dressed, and sat at the kitchen table waiting for the children to come home from school.
She just about made it through the rest of the day but as soon as the girls were in bed, she had quickly worked her way through a bottle of red wine until she passed out on the sofa.
When she woke up in the early hours of the morning and the terrible reality of what had happened came back to her, she had realised that she needed to keep up the pretence of being the abandoned wife if she wanted to get away with it. There could be no loose ends. So, she had done what she thought she would have done under different circumstances – and she had played the role perfectly.
Even though no one was looking, she had checked their bedroom, called his phone and eventually discovered the note that she had already read, re-reading it over and over again. In the days that followed she had called his friends and family. She had emailed him even though she knew he would never read her messages. She felt that if there was ever an investigation into his disappearance then she had done everything right – but she lived in fear that she had missed something.
She had almost given up the pretence so many times. There were many moments when she didn’t know if she would be able to keep it up. When Erin came around the next day she almost confessed to the whole sorry thing. Several times she picked up her phone to call the police and then changed her mind. And then Lily breaking her leg had thrown the whole thing into further disarray. Lily needed her more than ever now, there was no way Kate could hand herself in. In a way, it was a welcome excuse. By the time Lily was better, she had convinced herself it was all for the best after all. Everyone believed that Pete had left her; this C person hadn’t materialised so she was in the clear and could finally get on with her life.
In the early days she was a mess. She couldn’t eat, she couldn’t sleep but she had to hold it together for the girls. She grieved for him, every day, but for the Pete she used to know, not the Pete who had lied to her, cheated on her and said all those mean things to her. They had become like two strangers, they didn’t love each other anymore, not like they should have done. And, slowly, as time went on, somehow she found a way to cope. With each day that came and went she felt stronger and more capable. The resolve in her grew stronger and stronger. She was doing the right thing, she was protecting her family.
Every day she waited for the police to turn up on her doorstep but they never came. And as time went on, she began to relax a little more. She began to rebuild her life, telling herself that she had to make it count because she didn’t know how much longer she had left. She had to be the best mum possible to the girls, she was all they had now.
She started seeing a therapist, navigating the tricky path of working through all her issues without ever discussing the biggest, most horrific issue that she would ever face.
She let Rachel go, she relaunched her career, all the things that Pete had wanted her to do but until now she hadn’t had the strength to do. And despite everything, she actually started to feel better. She really felt like she was getting her life back on track and she could actually see a future for her and the girls.
Keeping up the pretence and lying to everyone, especially Erin and the girls, broke her heart but she kept telling herself it was the right thing to do. When Karen came into their lives she knew it was stupid to encourage it but she couldn’t help herself. Despite everything she still wanted the girls to have a piece of Pete in their lives. She didn’t want them to forget their dad. They would grow up thinking that he had abandoned them. When they were older and understood life a little more the realisation of that would hurt even more, perhaps they would even go looking for him. But they would never find him. No one would ever find him.
Still, her life sometimes felt like a ticking time bomb and she owed it to herself and her children to make the best of what she had, while she had it. The fear stayed with her, every day and worse at nights, but it got easier with each day that went by. She’d done what she
