It is with this tiresome awareness that I stop by my office and retrieve the small black box resting on top of my desk. As I walk up to the second landing and down the hall to my bedroom, pausing outside, I stare down to examine it, wondering if this is the right decision.
I'm aware nothing I can do will bring her comfort right now, but this foolish hope still lives within me. I unlock the door using the code and quietly step inside.
Ivy is curled up in bed, staring into nothingness. She doesn't look at me when I approach, or even when I sit on the edge beside her. Her tears have all dried up, but the pain has not. It's visceral, a living, breathing thing inside this room. I know because I feel it in my chest too. What she feels, I feel.
"Ivy?" I reach out hesitantly, stroking her arm.
She doesn't flinch or pull away, but I think I would rather that than the emptiness I see in her eyes.
I bring her hand to my lips and kiss it, and her fingers twitch in my grasp.
"I have something for you."
I slide the box onto the nightstand, and she glances at it briefly before her eyes flicker shut then open again. I don't know what to do. How to fix this for her.
“You can open it when you feel up to it,” I tell her. “It’s something very special to me, and I thought, perhaps it was time you saw it.”
When she doesn’t respond, I kick off my shoes and climb onto the middle of the bed, opening the blankets and sliding in behind her. She stiffens at first, but gradually, she melts into me, releasing a painful sigh when I wrap my arm around her waist, and she loses all resistance.
"I can't stand to be apart," I whisper, my lips grazing her ear. "I need you, Ivy. Come back to me, please."
A tear streaks down her cheek, and she shudders, slowly dragging her gaze to mine. "How could I?"
I kiss her jaw and then her cheek, tasting the salt of her tears before I close my eyes and breathe her in, hands clutching her in a silent plea.
"What if I could promise you that everything would be alright?" I choke out. "That this nightmare will all be over soon."
"How, Santiago?" she whispers. "How will this pain ever end?"
"It will end if you can find it in your heart to trust me," I murmur against her lips. "That's all I'm asking. Trust that everything I do is to protect you."
She looks up at me, eyes hard. "I get it now."
"What do you get?"
"How it feels," she answers bitterly. "Why you wanted to kill me to avenge your father's death. I understand that now because I feel it too."
Her words ice over any warmth left between us as my hands fall away from her. Pain splinters inside me at the realization there is no fixing this. It can't be undone. Foolishly, I wanted to believe we could survive this, but now I know that we can't.
She will never forgive me. Not tomorrow. Not ever.
I can see it in her eyes.
I can hear it in her voice.
And nothing has ever felt so final when I drag myself away from her, glancing over my shoulder one last time. She doesn't look at me, and she doesn't look at the gift I left her on the nightstand.
Instead, she closes her eyes and breathes a sigh of relief as I walk out the door.
27 Ivy
I don’t know how much time has passed. Maybe a day or two. I’m not locked in the bedroom, but I don’t leave it by choice. I don’t have anywhere to go. This feeling, this ache, there’s no getting away from it.
My father is dead. Murdered by my husband’s hand.
Two men I love.
Two men I loved.
Why is it always past tense when they’re gone? The love is still here, in the present, alongside the pain.
Santiago, though? In a way, that hurts just as much. Maybe more. His hate for my father was far greater than any affection, any feeling at all he could have had for me. Because no matter what he says, I know the truth. It’s too convenient otherwise. A heart attack? Something the doctor’s missed when they’ve been keeping such a close eye on him? I don’t believe it.
I get out of bed to use the bathroom. When I’m finished, I stand at the sink and study my reflection as I wash my hands. I look a wreck. My face is gaunt, dark circles under my eyes matching those of Santiago’s tattoo. I turn my head a little to look at the dot of ink. It seems so long ago, so far away. We survived that. He and I survived it. We have broken through so many obstacles set against us, some by him, some by others, but we came through together somehow.
I fell in love with him somehow.
God. I am crazy.
I switch off the water and dry my hands, looking down at my rounded stomach. There’s a baby inside there. Our child. What will happen when he or she is here? I can’t even begin to think about that.
I walk back into the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed. I am tired of this room. This bed. This place. I am tired.
On the nightstand, I see the box he left
