I was right. Half a dozen leather trunks and suitcases went tumbling out of the screaming portal, followed by a single, wrinkly old book, which dropped into the grass with a heavy thump. Before any of us could react, the portal slammed shut again, taking its horrendous screeching with it.
Shakily, I staggered towards the suitcases, recognizing the Q embossed onto each of their surfaces – custom made for me, and packed with all of my shit, whatever the servants could fit into them. Full of books from the Repository, presumably, but I had time to check on that later. I had hoped that the book on the ground itself was something from my collection, perhaps a well worn favorite, but it shuddered and flapped to life, making spitting noises at little clods of earth erupted from within its pages.
“Dantaleon?” I went down on my haunches, my chest twisting with cold realization. “Mother threw you out, too?”
This was serious. She was not fucking around.
“Confound it all,” the book roared. Dantaleon hovered up off the ground in a drunken zigzag, like he was just getting his bearings back. “And blast you, Master Quilliam, for failing at something so bloody fundamental. Look where it’s gotten us!”
I fell on my butt as the truth of it all came crashing heavily down on me, my problems condensed into a huge, proverbial boulder. “Then it’s true. She really did banish me.”
Dantaleon wailed. “For centuries I served as your mother’s advisor, her vizier, her lieutenant. And here I am now, reduced to a tattered castaway, left to wait for a horrible water-logged fate in the rain in some blasted field meant for peasants.” He spun in a desperate circle, observing our surroundings for the first time with his unseen eyes. “You’ve ruined us, Quilliam. You’ve ruined me.”
“Stop calling attention to yourself, you fool,” I shouted at him, a rare and certainly risky case of me actually chastising Dantaleon. He never did take any lip from me, and as a teacher, he had very interesting and painful ways of demonstrating his displeasure. Corporal punishment had never been so agonizing. But what did I stand to lose? “Stop yowling. Stop flapping about, for that matter. Someone might hear you. Someone might see you.”
Dantaleon’s form began to shudder as plumes of smoke issued from between his covers. Cartoonish, perhaps, but I’d seen this happen in his anger. You know that saying? Where there’s smoke, there’s fire? This put a spin on the proverb, and in potentially very dangerous ways, too. Pierce and I would have been wise to duck for cover. I bent down, scooping Mr. Wrinkles up in my arms, just in case. His warm, velvety coat was comforting – the very definition of a support animal – but he hissed and spat at me, jumping out of my clutches. So. Even my own cat couldn’t stomach being kicked out of Lust’s prime hell.
“There is no one for miles around,” Dantaleon said. “Do you know how I know, Master Quilliam? Because I cast a detection spell the very moment I arrived. We are trapped out here, lost in the midst of nothing. With no currency, no wealth with which to pay our way.” His pages fluttered as he made an awful moaning. He’d never sounded more like an old man. I almost felt sorry. “No study for poor Dantaleon to call home. No bookcase for him to rest his weary spine.”
Pierce scoffed. “You guys are being way too dramatic. It’s not over for us. Not by a long shot.” He puffed his chest out, the big damn hero – then he reached into his pants.
“I have no qualms about sex work, Pierce,” I said, doing my best to keep my voice even. “But surely there are other options for us to consider before you turn to publicly playing with your – ”
He pulled out a gleaming candelabra. Out of his pants. The kind that could hold three candles, even. “Weren’t expecting that, were you?”
Even Dantaleon stopped blubbering for a second. I was genuinely surprised, and genuinely impressed. “So you’re suggesting we pawn it? I mean, it’s a start. How the hell did that even fit in your pants?”
He shrugged. “How the hell does anything fit in my pants?” He tugged on his waistband, looking down at himself theatrically. “I mean, there’s plenty of room for my enormous balls.”
I pushed my face into my hands. “Neither the time nor the place.”
Pierce yelped as the candelabra burst into flames. He had just enough time to hurl the entire burning thing into the river. It hissed and steamed angrily as it hit the water. Pierce and I rushed over to the river, and I could sense Dantaleon following us from behind. I held my hair away from my face as I searched the water. There was nothing there but a twisted black lump of dubious origin.
“Don’t touch it,” I said as Pierce reached into the water. He pulled it out, grimacing. The burnt candelabra had the size, shape, and appearance of a dildo that had seen far better days.
“Oh, dang,” Pierce said, his eyes huge as he stared at the thing in his hand. “That could have exploded right in my – oh, dang.”
“Well, what were you expecting?” Dantaleon said, sniffing. “Prince Asmodeus has protective wards installed on all of her possessions. All of them, even the ones decorating Quilliam’s apartments. No servant has ever stolen from Her Highness and lived to tell the tale. Surely you know that, Pierce.”
Pierce rolled his eyes as he tossed the ruined candelabra over his shoulder. It landed in the river with a pathetic splash. He threw his hands up. “Well then, I guess we’re fucked.” He cocked an eyebrow at me. “Unless – Quill,
