“Pete said you didn’t make it to Michigan. What happened?”
“We washed ashore on the Indiana sand dunes.”
My mind turns inward to memories of Mel while we wait for the drinks. We spent years apart while Mel chased happiness around the globe in an unending string of bad relationships, each of which I think she hoped would erase the stain of her father. None ever could, of course, but I was always a safe home base when she came back to lick her wounds. If I hadn’t been married to Michelle, something more might have developed between us on one of those early homecomings.
“Here you go, gentlemen,” the waitress says as she plunks our drinks down. She adds another bowl of peanuts and grins at me. “You might wanna go easy on those, sir. The manager’s gonna start charging you by the pound pretty soon.”
Melancholy sets in somewhere in the middle of my fourth bourbon when Billy heads off to the bathroom and my thoughts turn to Pat. A series of bad relationships through my time in law school left me wondering if my older brother wasn’t right about how worthless and dog-faced I am. I’ve never forgotten his telling me that I was one of those guys the girls all snickered at and said “eew!” about when I passed by. Sure enough, I came to feel as if I wasn’t worth anyone’s emotional investment. I still feel that way at times… and this is why I shouldn’t drink too much.
“Penny for your thoughts,” Billy says as he slips back into his seat.
“Just thinking about Pat. She talks a good game to explain why she isn’t ready to commit to any more than friendship.”
“Such as?”
“She’s happy with her life and career, she doesn’t need someone else to ‘complete her.’ She’s committed to work, family, Lawndale, and painting. She’s not sure she has time in her life for more. It all makes sense on one level, but I suspect it’s more likely a way for her to keep me at arm’s length without rejecting me outright. It stings, but I get it and accept it. I appreciate that she’s trying hard not to hurt me, but it’s still rejection.”
“That’s a lot of self-trash talk, man,” Billy says softly when I finish and upend my glass.
“Yeah, well, at some point I had to come to terms with the reality that I’m simply not good enough.”
“Good enough for what?”
“People. Friendship. Relationships. Just not cut out for it, I guess.”
“Mel would slap you around something fierce if she heard this, Tony.”
I smile the saddest of smiles and start in on my second glass of bourbon. “Yeah, she would. Nobody ever had a fiercer protector than I had in her.”
“She had someone just as committed to protecting her.”
I stare back into his eyes, wondering if he’s ever figured out what his father did to Mel. She’d always protected Billy from that knowledge and had sworn me to secrecy, as well. “Sometimes I wonder if the reason Mel and I never went all in on our relationship wasn’t something similar to the situation with Pat.”
Billy shakes his head while giving me an incredulous look. “Nah, she loved you with her whole being, Tony. You two should have been together. Hell, you were meant for one another, whatever the hurdles. She knew that at the end.”
Or maybe that was an act of pity on her part. By the time Mel and I finally found ourselves free of other entanglements after Michelle and I separated briefly for the first time when Brittany was only three and Mel had limped home from Australia after a particularly painful breakup, time was running out on us. We had three months together before cancer claimed her. I remember telling her how completely broken I felt during her last few days. I’ve often clung to her response. As she so often did, she found the right words in a song lyric. This one came from Leonard Cohen’s song “Anthem” about how there is a crack in everything, but instead of lamenting the crack, he suggests that this is how the light gets in. I’ve always found the idea to be a profoundly positive way to find the light within the darkness.
Billy drinks off the last of his beer, then leans in closer and locks my gaze in his. “She did know you were the one, Tony. She told me that the biggest mistake of her life was not to roll the dice with you way back when, because she knew you would never, ever have let her down.”
I nod and admit, “Yeah, I guess I do know that at some level.” But would she have turned away from me if she’d rolled those dice? Everyone else has.
Billy rests his hand on my arm and leans even closer. “You’re real fucked up in the relationship department, my friend. Don’t let Pat or your ex-wife or anybody else tear you down. You’ve told me more than once that my sister was the best person you’ve ever known.”
I nod.
“You’ve told me that she knew more about people than anyone, right?”
I nod again.
“I’ve also heard you swear that Mel was the most honest person on the face of the earth… past, present, and future.”
I smile at that. It was quite a pronouncement—one I believe to this day.
“We both made promises to Mel at the end,” Billy says. “Mine was to make sure you never lose sight of her love for you. I guess she knew you had this morose streak in you, so I understand tonight exactly why she tagged me to keep an eye out.”
“Thanks, pal.”
“Can I give you a bit of advice?”
I twirl my hand in a “bring it on” motion.
“Get back on the horse, buddy. You’ve got to know a woman or two. Take someone out on the town, live a little.”
Maybe he’s right. Lord knows I can use a distraction from the ugliness that’s swirling all
