I nodded again. I looked out over the pool and licked my lips and wished there was a way to freeze this moment. I wished I could remain not knowing in this sultry Spanish evening with my glass of chilled rosé by the pool. I wished I could choose to never know that everything had changed.
‘The email then,’ I finally said. The fact that Joe felt I needed to know told me everything really, didn’t it? I had no desire to speak to Anthony, so what would even be the point? ‘As long as you don’t mind?’
‘No,’ Joe said. ‘I don’t care.’
He handed me his phone, and slowly, I started to read the email. Halfway through, he said something to me and stood, but I was in a daze and I wasn’t really sure what it was that he’d said.
Dear Joe.
I’m sorry to do this through an email but I honestly feel it’s better for both of us that I do it this way.
I said to you the other day that things haven’t been right between us for a while. I know you looked surprised when I said that, but I’m pretty sure if you think about it you’ll see it’s true.
I know that you love me because, unlike me, loving is something you’re incredibly good at. I’ve always known that you love me, and it’s felt good, and that’s all to your credit.
And I love you too, I really do. I love you like family. I love you like a brother. I love you like a friend. I love you as the father of our wonderful child, Ben.
But I’m not in love with you any more, in fact I don’t think I have been for years. I’m really sorry to have to tell you that, but it’s true.
Now, you know what a psychological mess I am, so it probably won’t come as much of a surprise to know that I’ve never been that happy in our marriage. Right at the beginning, perhaps, when all those endorphins or whatever were rushing around . . . Because I was in love with you at the beginning, it’s true. But since then, I’ve been trying to find a way to plug what feels like a big, dark pit inside me. Sometimes I think that pit is full of despair, and sometimes I think it’s full of hate or even evil. Whatever it is, the core of me isn’t that nice, I’m pretty sure of it. At times the call of that swirling pit has been so intense that I’ve had thoughts about killing myself to spare you all, but then something’s generally come along to get me through. I know how much you hated Mungaro, but he really helped me through a difficult time. Pure Being therapy was great for a while, as well.
At other times, I’ve been able to cope so well that I kidded myself my black hole had vanished. But it never completely had.
Not until now, Joe, that’s the thing – not until this chance meeting with Ant happened. Because he made it go away. It’s gone! And I can’t begin to explain what a relief that is. So I’m wondering if I wasn’t in the wrong relationship all along. I’m wondering if that wasn’t what kept this awful feeling going inside me.
I haven’t told you much about my parents and there seems little point in doing so now. But know that my father in Toronto isn’t the cuddly, lovely man I told you he is. He is, and always has been, a total and utter bastard. As for Mum, well, you worked that one out yourself: she’s mentally ill (schizophrenia is the official diagnosis) and she spends about half of her time in the psych ward. Why have I never told you any of this? I think I’ve always feared that I’m mad like my mother, or a bastard like my father, or very possibly both. And I always worried that if you knew about them, you’d start looking for those character traits in me. And you’d very probably find them.
Perhaps this thing with Ant is all bull. Perhaps it’s like The Secret and Mungaro and The Power of Now – a sort of sticking plaster that will help me feel better for a while and then fall away with time. But despite the horror of what I’m doing to our family, I feel so centred right now that I need to know; I just have to find out if it’s real. I hope that with time you’ll understand that.
I don’t hate you, Joe, in fact I don’t even have anything I could really criticise about you. And I don’t hold you responsible for anything that has happened in ANY WAY. It’s important that you know and accept that. This is all me. This is all my fault and my doing. I take full responsibility.
I love you still, Joe, though I’ve never been a very good wife, and I love our son too, though I’ve never been that good at being a mother.
So I’m hoping and praying to the universe that we can find a way to get through all this without hating each other. That we can find a way to be friends and be there for our son and avoid all the horror that divorcing couples tend to make for themselves.
Ant and I are flying back to England today, and by the time you get back home, I’ll be gone. Though the house is mine, I want you to stay there for now, with Ben, at least until we’re calm enough to work out what’s best.
I’m not sure what you will want to tell Ben, but knowing you, you’ll try to be truthful, and as long as you do your best not to paint me as a monster (even if that’s how you think of me right now) I’m happy to go with whatever you decide.
I think
