I put down the knife and walk over to the sofa. I sink down next to Oscar and he lifts his arm over me to let me rest in the special place just above his chest I swear was made just for me. Oscar. I inhale him, his sun-kissed skin mingled with the smell of construction work; a vibrant mix of chemicals sealant, varnish and new wood.
For a man who labours for a living, goes out for drinks with the lads at least once a week and loves his footy, he is incredibly in touch with his emotions and rarely holds back about what he feels about things. It is, although novel, increasingly exhausting. At times, it’s like dating one of my girlfriends.
I lift my head and he reciprocates so our lips meet.
‘Oscar, everything is okay. I promise.’ I feel him sink into the sofa, and I look up and see he has closed his eyes.
Ahead of me is the wall desk. I can see my phone flashing. I had flicked it to silent over an hour ago before I arrived home. But I can’t answer it now, here, with Oscar around. There will be a message, a voice tainted with urgency. But they will have to wait.
I realise the power I have, the power that a lie can create. But not just one lie, a whole family’s lies that I have been entangled in for years. And they weren’t even my family. But most of all I think about the power I have over the people I love. I love Oscar with all my heart, and there are things I am keeping from him.
Looking at my phone flashing and knowing who would be on the other end, I begin to think of the letter from Ava, and how it is all so inextricably linked. What happened all those years ago at Saxby, is still here between us now, fighting for its place in my present like an unwanted guest.
6 Saxby House, Dorset, July 1988
On my last day of school I found Caitlin in the courtyard and declared myself free for six whole weeks. Caitlin, who attended a private school, had been off for two weeks already, but now our summer could really begin. Each day from after breakfast until bath time was ours for the taking.
On a hot morning, I skipped out of the front door of our cottage and through the wrought-iron gates which Saxby House stood proudly behind. I ran up towards the colossal house to the back porchway steps and to what Caitlin referred to as the ‘boot room’ a huge room filled with riding gear, wellies and coats situated to the right of the porch. It was also the door that Dad used when he would occasionally meet with Josephine in the kitchen or, from time to time, the drawing room, which was just along the hall. As I skipped up the steps and reached the final one, I could smell everything Judith the cook had been preparing today, and it smelt exotic and unfamiliar, sending my taste buds into overdrive. Judith was a round woman with a big, jolly, pink face and curly red hair. She always wore a blue-and-white stripy apron and there was usually a plate of biscuits or something on the kitchen counter. Today, I could smell gingerbread, and I felt my mouth fill with saliva as I got nearer. In my mind, I was already inside the kitchen, biscuit in hand, away in my own world, so I didn’t see the person who had just come through the open back door and was now at the top of the steps until my face was almost pressed against their stomach. I looked up and saw the face of Ava looming down at me.
I quickly walked back down another step, and Ava, who was a tall woman anyway, was now towering above me. She looked down at me, her eyebrows raised, her mouth perfectly sealed in a pout. Her camera was hanging round her neck as it usually was – she could often be spotted taking photos of flowers and plants around the estate for her botanical drawings.
‘Someone’s going somewhere in a hurry. Tell me, Sasha, do you know the etiquette for entering a building? Hmm?’ At this last word her perfectly arched eyebrows went up further.
‘I… uh… Sorry, I was just coming to find Caitlin,’ I said, my head spinning with embarrassment.
‘Mmm, yes, I can see that you two have forged a rather sturdy clique. Quite surprising, really, but there we go. I’m sure your mother has warned you about walking slowly and entering buildings with a little more decorum, has she not?’ She joined me on the step, so I wasn’t reaching my neck quite so high to look at her. ‘This is my mother’s house. Saxby has been in the family for centuries. Do you know what a century is, Sasha?’
I felt sweat prickle under my arms, the sweetness of the biscuit I had imagined in my mouth had been replaced with something bitter and metallic. ‘I think it’s a long time.’
‘That’s right, Sasha, it is a long time.’ She paused and looked me up and down. Then she let out a sigh. ‘Now, where on earth could you be going to in such a hurry, hmm?’
My heart thudded in my chest. I had received several warnings from Mum and Dad to not make a nuisance of myself with the Clemonte family. It was important that Mum and Dad kept their jobs, and Mum was worried that me popping in to see Caitlin would aggravate Josephine, but particularly Ava. I was so excited to see Caitlin, I would sometimes forget myself. I had to remember that this was their
