“Are you okay?” she asked, looking worried.
I had almost forgotten where I was. Fabián was staring at me, equally concerned.
She handed me a peanut butter cup. “I’m sorry I brought him up.”
“He really did a number on you, didn’t he?” Fabián asked, giving me some of his blanket.
“He was my first kiss,” I whimpered.
Fabián rubbed my shoulder. “I’m sorry, P. Boys suck.” He sighed, taking another dignified sip of tea.
“Let’s just watch the movie,” I said, and smiled, trying hard not to dissolve into tears.
I swallowed the lump in my throat as Ruth pressed play, ready to get sucked back into the story of pirates, deadly eels, and adventure. Like The Little Mermaid, the leading lady in The Princess Bride rarely had proper conversations with her true love. Neither of the women actually did anything. They simply stared longingly and smiled as they waltzed away into the sunset.
“THAT’S IT!” I shouted, upsetting a bowl of popcorn as I stood up. Fabián yelled. Ruth groaned and rolled away from me, her stomach still too full for her to flinch.
“What is it?” Fabián asked, picking popcorn out of his slicked-back hair.
“All of the women in these movies, they’re all the same!” I exclaimed, getting excited.
“You mean they’re white?” Fabián asked.
“No, yes, no, I mean—they all act the same. They’re all really coy and quiet, and they let guys make the first move and end up with them,” I said, like, duh. “They are the exact opposite of loud.”
Ruth sat up with some effort. “How do you mean?”
“Check it out.” I pointed to the different streaming thumbnails from the queue we’d made on my laptop.
“The Little Mermaid signs away her voice in exchange for legs, so she doesn’t talk at all. My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Doesn’t he just see her through a travel agent window after her makeover, where she got an eyebrow wax and a blowout? And then The Princess Bride . . . I mean . . .”
Ruth nods. “All Buttercup does is act pretty. She doesn’t really say anything.”
“Like Aladdin!” Fabián shouts. “Remember how worthless Jasmine was in the original?”
“Exactly! Thank you.” I jumped onto my bed. I had finally cracked the code for why I’d never had a boyfriend before, and why the one I did have had dumped me so quickly. How could I become one of those mysterious, alluring female protagonists while talking all the time? Clearly, I was too chatty for a love story of my own.
“I need to speak less,” I diagnosed. “I have to become one of those mousey, quiet girls who only laughs and smiles.” After flailing around for hours, I had finally figured out what “loud” meant, and it was the reverse of these leading ladies.
“Straight people are so weird,” Fabián whispered, clearly in awe of my brilliance.
“Agreed.” Ruth shook her head. “But, Parvin, even if that is how girls get the guy, would you want to date someone who’s into that?”
I flopped back onto my bed. “Yeah,” I said out loud to my ceiling. “I would.”
“How could you even pull it off?” Fabián asked. “You gasp every time you get a text message. And yesterday you screamed like a fangirl for the entire faculty at their orientation dance.”
“They needed encouragement.”
Fabián pursed his lips and said nothing. Ruth continued holding her belly and grimacing in the corner.
“Clearly I am undateable in my current form. So how do I change that?”
“Umm, you don’t?” he replied.
“Easy for you to say!” I pointed accusingly. “You get asked out all the time. You’ve already had half a dozen boyfriends.”
Fabián shrugged. “Because I don’t try to be someone I’m not. They like me the way I am.”
“Yeah, because you’re a cool and interesting person,” I huffed. “I’m just a walking kick-me sign.”
“Who cares if you even go to Homecoming or not?” Fabián popped another chocolate into his mouth. That kid had a hollow leg.
“Have you never had a revenge fantasy before? I need to make Wesley jealous and feel bad that he dumped me.”
“This is stupid. Why don’t I go to Homecoming with you?” Ruth shuffled over. “That way you won’t have to worry about finding someone.”
“Or you could go with me,” Fabián added. He tucked a carved radish garnish from our takeout behind his ear and blew me a kiss.
Having Ruth or Fabián go with me to Homecoming would definitely solve my date issues, but Wesley already knew they were my friends. I needed someone who would make him look like the idiot who let me go and help me save face in front of Teighan.
“Thanks, y’all. But you should go with whoever asks you. Which I’m sure will happen.” Fabián had probably been asked already by some online fan.
Ruth gave a happy sigh. “Someone could ask me to Homecoming. Like a Promposal, but with autumnal colors. And then we could go get dinner somewhere romantic where they have real candles on the table. I could even wear a pink dress while we slow-danced.” Ruth’s eyes went misty as she imagined her perfect night. It looked like I wasn’t the only one fantasizing about a Homecoming date.
“I just need to tone myself down a little bit, and I’ll have a boyfriend in no time.”
Fabián snorted, grabbing a Swedish Fish. “I won’t even bother talking you out of this stupid idea because there’s no way you can pull off not running your mouth all day.”
I chewed my lip. I had no idea how I was going to be one of the quiet women from these films. After all, I could barely keep myself from speaking like a pirate while being dumped. “I’m just gonna have to remind myself,” I said firmly.
“But you won’t act like that with us, right?” Ruth asked.
“Don’t worry, Ruth, I’ll never shut up for you.” I grinned.
Ruth rolled her eyes.
But I’m pretty sure she smiled.
■ ■ ■ MY ROOM LATER
Ruth and Fabián were asleep, but my brain was still whirring from the things I’d learned from our movie night. I decided to make a list of all the tips
