Still, it’s probably best to leave the refugees and the aliens and the man in the moon to a real hero. The rest of us—Yoji and me and everybody else—we have a lot of other stuff on our plates, like real life. With all that to keep us busy, our sympathy for others and our desire for them to fuck off end up tugging us in opposite directions. I’m always like, “Pooor baby!” and then the next minute like, “Dumb asshole!” But then who isn’t?
But I really do want Yoji to turn out to be a hero. I want his compassion, his “poor baby,” to win out over his “dumb asshole.” And if he went running off to Ethiopia or the moon or another space-time dimension, well, I’d go right along with him.
No, what am I saying? I totally love Yoji just the way he is.
And he was sitting next to me right now, not saying anything, just swaying back and forth on the neck of a springy giraffe. The paint was peeling and the yellow spots looked even spottier. I was pretty sure he must be feeling a little embarrassed right now, thinking he’d been too honest, that he’d said some stuff he didn’t need to say. He probably couldn’t figure out what to say next, not until I spoke up. So he just sat there—bounced there—watching me and looking a little sheepish.
I should really say something, I thought.
On the other hand, why bother?
So there it was: the tug-of-war between care and not care.
Shit! My heart was pretty puny. It looked like my urge to avoid trouble was going to win out, even with a guy I really liked. But that was wrong. Just plain wrong!
So…
“So, Yoji.” Was that what I should say? “Do you think you can find Sano?” How was that?
“No way of telling,” he said. “But there’s been no trace of him since that night. Looks like you were the last one to see him.”
“Somebody’s hiding something.”
“Could be,” he said.
I was the last one to see him. What of it? “So do you think I’m involved too?”
“Me? No, of course not! Why would you want to kidnap Sano?”
“You’re right, why would I?”
“That’s what I said. So why would I suspect you?”
“So why don’t you stop saying that I was the last one to see him?”
“That doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a fact. Nobody’s making any more of it than that.”
“Fine, then drop it. I don’t want to hear any more about it.”
“Fine. But there’s something I want to ask you, if you don’t mind.”
“What?”
“Do you think there might be some guy who likes you?”
I played dumb. But I felt like somebody had punched me in the back of the head. “What are you talking about?” I held my breath.
“I was just thinking that a guy who liked you would be pretty mad that you and Sano went to a love hotel together, and that he might be the one who kidnapped Sano. It seems like a possibility. Of course, I could be all wrong.”
“What are you talking about? You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“Why do you say that? It’s not impossible.”
“It’s totally impossible. Because there isn’t some guy who likes me.”
“How can you be so sure? It might be some guy you don’t even know.”
“A guy I don’t know…?” You asshole! Drop dead. Right now, Yoji, drop dead! Disappear. Dissolve. Become nothing. Every last trace of your mortal existence.
“I guess it was a dumb idea.”
If it was a dumb idea, then apologize.
“Sorry,” he said. Then he looked away, and as I glanced at his profile I knew that my cute Triumph bra and panties were not going to be making their debut anytime soon. And I’d gone to all that trouble to change, and they were really cute. Oh well. I didn’t even want to have sex with Yoji anymore. Not really. Probably not anyway. Whatever. I just wanted him to leave. To disappear. How totally annoying. It was all so pointless. Pointless, pointless, pointless! Really for real, Yoji, just fuck off and DIE!
I wanted to get up and leave, but at the same time I was terrified he would just say “bye” and let me go. So I couldn’t move. I also couldn’t bear to look at him anymore. I wanted to ask him how he could sit there with that blank look on his face knowing that Sano and I had been to a love hotel, how he could ask me all those stupid questions about other guys who might like me. I knew how: he didn’t care about me at all. I felt paralyzed sitting there next to him, felt pathetic as hell.
Shit, I was not going to cry. I was starting to cry. Oh, oh, oh, my eyes were burning. I clenched my teeth and looked down at the ground under the weird, pink rocking-bear. But when I squinted, it felt like the tears were going to start. I couldn’t breathe. One false move and the dam would burst. My heart was beating like crazy. Shit, I could practically hear it! My temples started pounding, and all of a sudden there they were: major tears. I was looking at the ground, so my hair was probably giving me some camouflage, but that wouldn’t work for long. He’d figure out what was going on pretty quick. Maybe I should run home. But somehow the short distance to the house suddenly seemed really far. Especially since I was frozen, unable to stand up or walk two steps. The last thing I wanted was for Yoji to hear me sniffling and sobbing. Yet I could tell if I moved even the tiniest muscle, I’d start bawling out loud. Totally embarrassing.
I willed myself to sit
