With Zach’s prodding, Adam started going back to rehearsals and performances with the cast on his leg, but he wasn’t into it anymore. He couldn’t find the joy in it. He didn’t want to go out, or hang out, or see people. A part of him was gone, and he was permanently changed.
The nights were the worst. Almost every night Adam awoke from the same nightmare. He was tumbling down a mountain in the snow. It was almost as if he could actually feel the bitter cold and the centrifugal force spinning him over and over as he screamed Maddie’s name. When he awoke, he found himself breathing heavily, as if he had just run a marathon, and sweating profusely. His heart would be pounding in his chest, and then the recollection would begin. The feelings of despair, loneliness, and loss would return, along with the realization that she was really gone. His wounds were reopened every night when he mentally relived his final conversation with Maddie. He would analyze every sentence and dissect each one into pieces that he hoped would make sense someday. It was unbearable.
Maddie had said he would never understand, and she was right. Adam wished he had been bold enough to ask her more about her past when he’d had the chance. He wondered what had happened in her life before he knew her.
What had gone on with this girl?
Adam was fairly certain she must have suffered some traumatic event, or events. But he had tried to remain respectful of her privacy and believed that when she was ready, she would confide in him. Whatever dark secrets she held, she never shared them with him.
Over the next four weeks, the pain and hurt gradually developed into anger and frustration. His only remaining link to Maddie, her cell phone, was disconnected. When she said Adam would never see her again, she apparently meant it. She disappeared without a trace. He never saw her move anything out of her apartment, so he assumed her belongings were still in there. He also never saw her—or anyone else, for that matter—go in or out of her apartment. He wondered where she was living. Did she have another home that he had never known about?
It appeared her mailbox had grown full because he could see pieces of mail protruding from the slot. He thought about taking the mail and saving it for her, but he couldn’t bring himself to touch it. If she did have another home, she certainly didn’t bother to have the mail forwarded to it. Maybe she thought Adam would somehow be able to track her down if she had left a forwarding address.
Adam tried to go on with his life. He tried to get over the pain. He tried to forgive her. But he couldn’t. She had hurt him deeply, and he resented her for that. He was angry that she had left him just when they were about to make a breakthrough in their relationship. She left at the point when he thought they were closer than they had ever been. If she had truly loved him, how could she have turned her back on him? He would have never done that to her. If she had loved him, how could she put him through this pain?
As the level of his anger and resentment escalated, his will to live declined. He wondered if he would ever be able to forget her and pull himself out of his paralyzing depression.
Chapter 18
About eight weeks after Adam got out of the hospital, his leg was healing nicely and he had graduated to a walking cast so he could walk without crutches. This made it much easier for him to resume rehearsals and performances with the band.
On this particular Friday night, Night Fury’s normal gig had been canceled because some VIP had reserved the club for a private party, and they were bringing in their own band. The rest of the band members had decided to hang out at a different club that night. It wasn’t often that they got to go out and be the ones in the crowd these days since they were always working nights and weekends. They had asked Adam to join them, but he wasn’t feeling up to it. All he felt like doing was staying home alone and being miserable.
Around 9:30 that night, when the band would have normally been well into their first set at the club, Adam sat in his apartment and surfed the web. Suddenly overcome by boredom, he began to look for a distraction. Since he hadn’t checked the mail in days, he decided it would be good for him to get out and walk around for a few minutes.
He hobbled out of his apartment and down the hall to retrieve the mail. Walking was a little tricky with the walking cast, but he had gotten used to it fairly quickly and could get around relatively well. The doctor was hopeful that he would only have to wear the annoying thing for another couple of weeks. He couldn’t wait to get it off. He was ready to put it all behind him: cast, Maddie, and all.
Since the accident, every time Adam approached his apartment after being out, he couldn’t resist the urge to look at Maddie’s door. He didn’t know what he thought he would see. Maybe subconsciously he hoped for some sign that she had returned, but he knew that was wishful thinking. He told himself that he would quit the habit, but it hadn’t worked so far.
As he turned the corner on his trek back from the mailbox, he vowed to not look at her door this time, but he couldn’t help it; he looked in spite of
