The last ten years of slogging and studying and double jobbing had paid off and he couldn’t be more pleased. For the first time in his life, he was in a very confident and comforting place. He was successful in his chosen career, he was happy in his own skin and finally after years of meeting Mr Wrong he was convinced he had found Mr Right. The new Millennium couldn’t have started off any better. Maybe after all the brickbats life had thrown at him it was now his time to fly high.
It hadn’t been easy, and that was what made this new phase of his life all the richer. He had enrolled in as many extracurricular interior design courses as he could manage and studied hard. His experience with his homophobic boss, at the beginning of the nineties, had been the catalyst for all the changes in his career. That very difficult time had been a blessing in disguise really, he reflected, gearing down to queue to pay his toll.
Jonathan sat, engine idling, while the driver two cars ahead fumbled for coins, remembering how Hannah often said that life’s challenges were always a doorway to a ‘growth experience’ and that it was the way the challenge was met that was just as important to the soul as the challenge itself. Well he had certainly met Gerard Hook’s challenge head on, dealt with him and moved on. It was that particular episode that had been his motivation to go for every single work interview he could, to get out of Hook’s department.
Taking a career break had certainly been a leap of faith. But something else that Hannah had said to him during one of his counselling sessions had resonated deeply with him. She had told him that when someone knew that something was very right for them and they stepped away from the security of all they knew that was when doors opened for them. And open for him they certainly had, Jonathan acknowledged, remembering that nerve-wracking first month when he had taken his career break and there had been no monthly salary to pay his mortgage. But that very week he’d been paid handsomely for the refurbishment of a large three-storey house in Ranelagh – owned by his ex-landlord – that was divided into five one-bedroom flats. He had redesigned the five living quarters in different styles and colours, depending on where they were in the house and what their aspect was. Then he had got a professional photographer to shoot the end products and he couldn’t have been more pleased with the results. His subsequent new glossy portfolio looked most professional and prospective new clients were impressed. James, the landlord, also owned two adjoining B&B’s near Liberty Hall in the city centre, which he wanted to upgrade into a boutique hotel. He had offered the interior design job to Jonathan and Jonathan had given the lighting contract to Hilary.
It was their first collaboration and it sealed their friendship. They bounced ideas off each other, learned from each other, and had a lot of fun in the process. Slowly and steadily Jonathan’s list of clients grew, as word of mouth continued to put business his way. The economy was booming, development was rampant and Hilary and he were perfectly placed to take advantage of the boom. He couldn’t have wished for more in his career. All he’d needed to make life perfect was a companion to share it with.
This time he was not going to rush into anything, Jonathan promised himself, knowing his tendency to fall headlong into a relationship, give his heart and soul and more, and be brought crashing to earth when it all ended in tears. ‘You should strive to have more equality in your relationships, Jonathan,’ Hannah would advise him patiently when he would come for counselling, and to pour his heart out to her after yet another heartbreak. ‘Stop giving everything. Allow yourself to be the recipient too, so that it’s not all one-sided. Expect more. You are worthy, Jonathan, so worthy of all that you desire.’ How often had she said it to him?
And that was the key, he admitted. Even all these years after his childhood abuse he felt, deep down, that he wasn’t deserving of goodness and until he let go of that mindset he would never be open to the right relationship. Jonathan knew Hannah was right. But he fell into the trap of being the giver every time because he was so desperate to find Mr Right. He wanted a relationship like Kenny and Russell had. He wanted the same sort of loving, nurturing, restorative bond Hilary and Niall, and many of his friends, shared. He wanted not to be lonely any more.
He was really trying hard not to make the same mistakes this time, with Leon. He had even declined an invite to go and see The Talented Mr Ripley this Sunday with him, even though he would have loved to go on a date to the cinema. Jonathan had a crush on Jude Law and Leon had confided that he really fancied Matt Damon, so it was a film both of them would have enjoyed. The old Jonathan would have agreed to go on the night out immediately; the new, more aware Jonathan was being more restrained.
‘Perhaps during the week,’ he’d suggested casually when Leon had issued the invite. ‘I’ve plans for Sunday.’ He’d hoped against hope that Leon
