So this is what it came down to. It wasn’t trust or the lack of it. How could Eva help her when she had nothing to give? “I could have asked Hans. He has money.”
“I could have asked Hans,” Maggie said, drily. “But that would have been too ironic.”
“What does that mean? And what about Elena? After all she did for you?” Eva couldn’t contain her anger now. “She would have helped you.”
“I’ve asked enough of Elena,” Maggie said. “Also, she wasn’t crazy about Tom. The money is for him.”
“Who is crazy about Tom,” said Eva. It wasn’t a question. “No one is.” Then, “Maggie, what happened to you? What is wrong? Why has everything gone so wrong?”
Maggie sat up, groaning. Even in the dark, Eva could tell Maggie was a mess. A complete mess. Not like before. Not secretly a mess. Something had changed. Eva was furious, but she tried to hide it.
“I’m sorry, Tante Eva. I know I’ve disappointed you.”
Eva stopped touching Maggie’s hair and then touched her stomach, then her face, then lifted her arms. She was a nurse, after all. Her stomach was hard—not a good sign, a blockage? Her face was cold; her arms had marks, needle marks.
“We need to get you to a hospital.”
“That might be the right thing to do.”
“Yes. I’ll walk you there.”
“I don’t think I can walk very far.” Maggie began to cry.
“Of course. We’ll call a taxi.”
“I have no phone. It got shut off. We didn’t pay the bill. Actually, that was the one bill Tom was supposed to take care of. He didn’t pay it. The one thing I have him do, and he doesn’t do it.”
“I’ll go downstairs. The woman who lives there may have a phone.”
“Maybe,” said Maggie. “I don’t know.”
Eva pulled Maggie to her, embracing her horrible body. “What happened, Maggie? What happened?”
“I use heroin, Tante Eva. Please don’t hate me. And lately, I’ve been shooting bad drugs. Really bad drugs. Things just got worse, too. I don’t know.”
“I’m going downstairs to call a car. I’ll be right back. You’ll be fine. Don’t worry,” Eva said, realizing how stupid she sounded. But what was she supposed to say? Her anger at her niece left her. She was in need of help. Who didn’t need help? What human being doesn’t make mistakes, doesn’t need someone to hold them up?
“You know, Tante Eva, that Tom beat up a whore? That’s why he’s in jail. He almost killed her. A fucking whore. How hard is it to get arrested for that? And he’s been dealing heroin for Hans. Hans’s drugs are bad, though. They’re cut with something awful, and that’s what’s been making me sick. I’m so mad. I’m not even mad at him. I don’t care about him. I’m so mad at myself,” she said, her voice thick with snot and tears.
“Hans?”
“We assumed you knew. I mean, he’s your boyfriend.”
“Yes, he’s my boyfriend. But he’s no drug dealer,” Eva spat. Then she thought of the cabin, of the boxes, of the late night at the gas station. Maggie was smiling through her obvious pain, her physical discomfort.
“Come on, Tante Eva. You have to be kidding me! What doesn’t Hans deal?”
“What a thing to say.” Eva closed her arms over her chest. “And leave Tom to rot in jail.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Maggie bent over, her arms wrapping around her waist. “Please don’t be angry at me. You’re the only one I have. You’re the only person I can trust.”
“How is it you’ve held down your job in this condition?”
“I’ve called in sick once. But I manage.”
Eva looked at her hard; she looked like death. “I find that hard to imagine.”
“My job means a lot to me. It’s my freedom from my parents. It’s not like I’m running a company. Or even being a nurse, like you were. I’m just trying to teach English to some desperate immigrants. As long as I show up and hand out some worksheets, it’s all fine.”
“That’s terrible, Maggie. I thought you would care more, care more about the people you teach. They need to learn German to make it in this country.”
“I do care. And most of the time I’ve been a good teacher. All I’m saying is, on a bad day, I still show up and manage, that’s all. Please don’t be angry at me.” But it was true, the feelings of disappointment and shock kept coming back to Eva. The worst was when her thoughts returned to herself. How could Maggie do this to me? thought Eva. Immediately, she was ashamed. Maggie didn’t do anything to Eva. She did this to herself. Not that it didn’t affect everyone around her, but still, it wasn’t about them. It was about Maggie.
“We are going to get you to a hospital.” And then she thought of what she didn’t want to think. How the mind works, how it goes to where it goes, regardless of our hearts’ desires. Hans and his mysterious packages near the Polish border. Hans. Her Hansi. Her everything.
“How could I have loved him?” Maggie bawled. “How could I have loved someone so awful?”
Eva felt a calmness again. Like the calmness she felt on coming here. Bitte, mein Gott. Bitte hilf uns. “You’re not to blame for having loved anyone. All you did was love. It is not a crime, not even to love someone awful. People think love can change others. Sometimes, we love awfulness thinking we can love it away. This isn’t a bad thing.”
In the cab, Maggie said, “I can’t do it.”
“Yes you can. I’ll help you. Your mother will help you. There’s medication they can give you, too. To make it less painful,” Eva said.
“My mother help me? Seeing my mother will make me want to shoot up ten times more than usual.” Maggie looked away from Eva, out the window of the cab. “I know a place that has good drugs. Different drugs. Better ones.
