By the time she had reached her car, Juliet’s mouth had turned dust dry, and her heart was hammering inside her chest. With shaking hands, she rummaged through her purse until she found the keys to the car. Then Juliet searched frantically through the glove compartment until her hand landed on the vial of pills. She stuck two of the small white tablets under her tongue and took a long gulp of the warm, bottled water that sat on the seat next to her.
Juliet took a deep breath, started the engine, and drove home as quickly as the speed limits allowed. Then she ran into the house, threw open the drawers, and stuffed her clothes into a suitcase. Without stopping to lock the door behind her, she ran back to her car and drove straight out of town. It was only after Juliet had cleared the town line did the panic begin to subside. Then she pulled over to the side of the road, shut off the engine and managed her rapid breathing.
One, two, three, breathe. Four, five, six, breathe. Seven, eight, nine, breathe. Ten, breathe.
First Juliet calmed herself, then she berated herself. Even after all that time in therapy, she still wasn’t sure that she could do it; Juliet wasn’t sure that she was capable of living a normal life. But she sure knew one thing, requesting a deadly weapon then handing over the wrong license was not the way to go.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid
She never should have kept it. Dr. Finkle had made this huge deal out of ritualizing Juliet’s new beginnings. He had arranged for a special dinner out on the back lawn for himself, Juliet, and Juliet’s favorite attendant, Asueli. After a nice meal, Asueli had lit a small blaze in the fire pit. Then, Asueli and the doctor had cheered Juliet on as she ceremoniously dropped pieces of her old life into the fire. Diplomas, driver’s license, vehicle registration, tax forms…anything with Lucy Brewster’s name on it was put into the flames. Identical documents with the name Juliet Jones were piled fireside waiting to replace them.
Out with the old, in with the new! Dr. Finkle had raised his glass of sparkling grape juice as he proposed a toast.
It had all been meant to be some grand gesture, a goodbye to the horrors of the recent past and a celebration of the new life waiting for her. It had not felt that way to Lucy though. She had felt as though she was being asked to throw away what little was left of her. So, when it became time to throw her license in the small, deadly inferno, Lucy had palmed this last semblance of herself. She just hadn’t been ready to part with that smiling, happy girl. She hadn’t wanted to forget the young woman who had the shining eyes full of hope, long flowing hair, and tiny diamond earrings that had sparkled when she turned her head for the picture. However, Juliet also knew that that girl, Lucy Brewster, had made a mess of things.
Love and Fear. The two most destructible forces on earth. Fear had paralyzed her, and love had made her blind.
So now Lucy Brewster, that pretty, optimistic, hopeful young woman had had to become someone else. She had had to become Juliet Jones and forge ahead. Lucy had had to leave all those fairytales that she believed in far behind.
Juliet berated herself as she sat in the driver’s seat and pulled another patch of hair out of her head. She’d come too far to screw it up now, and if she ever expected to have a chance at this new normal then she had better get a hold of herself.
Juliet leaned over and into the glove compartment. She pulled out her emergency pack of cigarettes.
Without the least bit of guilt or remorse, Juliet lit one up because now was not the time to quit.
On anything.
Juliet fell back on what she saw as the least deadly of all her bad habits. She inhaled deeply and willed herself to relax. But when her mind began to wander, to tread into dangerous grounds, she knew that she had seriously better grab a hold of herself. Because going back to that place in her mind, even for a moment, was not a good thing. It was a place she had been to before, and her future depended on not going there again.
The Crazy Place.
Juliet drew deep on her cigarette and explored the options that were left to her. Although there was still some money left, she was not working, and not sure when she would be again. Juliet had planned her finances carefully to last through the next year at the cabin. But it would take a giant chunk out of her bank account to leave town and start over again.
Besides, where in the hell would she go?
So, when Juliet thought over her options, they really boiled down to only one.
Go back.
She had to go back.
She would just have to reevaluate and make this thing work.
For starters, no more standing out on the balcony admiring that fool of a man, P.J. McCabe. However, even as she made her pledge, Juliet felt a surge of regret. Because, after all, and despite everything, Juliet was still a red blooded woman. A red blooded woman who hadn’t had sex in…well, forever. Honestly, watching P.J. McCabe work that hard body for hours, as the sheen of his sweat glistened off those tight muscles was way high up on the wow factor. Even now, Juliet wanted to fan herself just thinking about it. And she was going to give herself a pass on this one, because for god sakes the man cut through thick branches of fallen trees as if he were slicing through butter.
Of course, Juliet knew that it was not a
