“I fully appreciate your position,” Myanin said, still eating her cotton candy as if it wasn’t weird for a chick who looked like a badass warrior to be chowing down on a children’s treat. “Just, please, hear me out?”
The words were so genuine Lilly found herself nodding. “Fine.” She motioned for the woman to continue.
Myanin licked her fingers and then tucked the empty bag into her pocket. She met Lilly’s stare as she began. “Thadrick and I have known each other for a very long time. He was a dear friend.”
The emotion in her voice didn’t convey that he was a dear friend. There was heartbreak, remorse, love, and regret all wrapped up in those two sentences. “You’re in love with him,” Lilly said. “Or at least you were.”
Myanin took a steadying breath. She’d felt a little off balance since putting that first bite of cotton candy in her mouth. She’d expected ash, and instead she’d gotten an explosion of flavor that melted on her tongue and made her mouth water for more. She really liked humans. In fact, she was going to be their biggest supporter from now on. Okay, maybe she wouldn’t go that far. Small steps. You’ve poured out your transgressions, begged forgiveness from the soul you killed, and given back the magic you stole, Myanin. Give yourself time to catch up before you go declaring yourself the protector of mankind.
Lilly cleared her throat, causing Myanin’s eyes to jump back to the queen. She’d lost herself in her thoughts while Lilly was waiting for her to respond to her comment about Myanin’s feelings toward Thadrick. Hmm. How to answer?
So much had changed in the past couple of days. She had changed, and not in just small, I broke this annoying habit kind of way. There was still shame. She didn’t know if that would ever fully go away. And sorrow because she’d lost her honor. There was still pain because she had truly loved Thadrick until it blinded her with evil jealousy. But, being at the Order, seeing what the other supernaturals were willing to do because they thought their cause was just, the Great Luna and her pursuit of Myanin, and Lyra forcing her to face what she’d done… It had all changed her.
“I am not the same person I was a year ago, a month ago, or even two days ago,” she finally said.
“I would hope not,” Lilly said, her eyes kind as she stared at Myanin. “Stagnancy in human nature is like sitting water. It breeds bacteria and attracts the wrong kinds of things.”
Myanin shifted her body, her eyes narrowing on the queen. She was intelligent, this sprite who seemed more human than any supernatural Myanin had ever encountered. “And yet I am not human,” she said.
“Apparently there is no exception to the rule for supernaturals,” Lilly quipped.
Myanin bowed her head just a hair, acquiescing to her assessment, as she was right.
“What has changed about you?” Lilly asked. She wasn’t just curious, Myanin noted. The queen was truly interested. She wanted to know what would cause a woman who’d killed one of her own to admit she was now different.
“I’m aware and able to accept that what I did was wrong,” she said. She glanced at Tenia, who nodded in encouragement. Myanin looked back at Lilly and continued. “And at first, I felt nothing. I just wanted to make Thadrick and his female pay for what they’d done. I didn’t consider that their actions resulted from my own.”
“Whoa,” Lilly said, holding up her hands. “You’re going to have to back up. You wanted to make Thadrick and who pay?”
That’s right, Myanin realized. The queen only knew that Myanin had killed an elder. She didn’t know the rest. So, she’d have to start at the beginning. “This might take a while,” she warned.
“Like I said,” Lilly leaned back on the couch, “you have until tomorrow. By then you will have either had to skedaddle or face down Perizada.”
Myanin nodded. “Right. As I said, I’ve known Thadrick a very long time. He was my best friend and mentor. As I aged, he came to mean more to me.” Her mind wandered back to those memories she still held dear to her heart. She continued her story, telling the queen every detail. She didn’t leave out how she’d found out about Thadrick’s lover and how it had destroyed her. Or how she’d lied to Jezebel because she’d been so blind with hurt. For years, she hadn’t even felt any guilt over it because in her mind, Thad had belonged to her. “Supernaturals tend to be a bit possessive,” she said with a sad smile.
“Believe me, I am aware,” Lilly said softly, her eyes holding less condemnation and more understanding.
“It wasn’t until I got to the Order and saw what they were doing that I began to doubt myself … doubt my choices.” Myanin felt sick to her stomach as she thought about the evil she’d seen in the prisoner’s eyes, the one who’d compared her to him. Not that he’d been wrong.
“Anger and pain can blind us to right and wrong,” Tenia said.
“Yes,” Myanin agreed. “Being with the Order made that clearer. But also I’ve been shown much by the Great Luna.”
“Do you regret it?” Lilly asked.
Myanin closed her eyes as she pictured Thadrick. She remembered all of their times together, how he’d always been there for her. She remembered the day Jezebel had showed up looking for Thadrick and how much hate Myanin harbored in her heart. How had she let herself fall so far? She had to make herself swallow so she wouldn’t start crying.
“Yes,” she said, her voice shaking. “If I could go back, if I could fix it all…” She opened her eyes and met the warlock queen’s. “I would in a heartbeat, but at the time, every time
