Should he have said more to Luka? Been sterner? Maybe taken away TV privileges or confiscated one of his toys or… He glanced at the board on the wall beside the refrigerator, magnets holding photographs in place.
Rhea, am I really doing things right? He stared at the image of his wife. “You were so much better at this than me.”
“Dad?”
Nate cleared his throat and looked over his shoulder. Luka was in his pajamas, his journal hugged to his chest, and a towel over his head. “Sit down.” He waited for Luka to get on his chair, then stood behind him. He rubbed the towel over Luka’s hair.
“Ahhhhhh, th-th-thanks, Da-ad.”
Nate laughed. “You’re welcome.” He gave Luka a brief squeeze. He hung the towel on the back of the chair. “Let’s get you that hot chocolate.”
Luka sat in silence, only speaking when Nate placed the full mug on the table in front of him. “Marshmallows?” Luka asked in a small voice.
“Do you think you deserve marshmallows?”
With a thoughtful expression, Luka tilted his head, as if thinking about his answer. “I don’t know. Maybe.” He gave a small smile, which faded when he met Nate’s eyes. He shook his head. “No.
“No.” Nate sighed and pulled out the chair on the opposite side of the table. “But next time. You can have marshmallows next time.” He sat down.
Luka hugged the mug of cocoa and blew across the hot liquid’s surface. “‘Next time,’” he repeated happily.
Nate rubbed at the pain in his chest as he sat with Luka. “You really scared me today.” He didn’t want to upset Luka again, but sitting there, watching his son, the sense of loss that could have been swelled inside him. “I love you. Pops and Nana Kay, Lee, too. They’d all be sad if something bad had happened to you.”
Luka ducked his head, as if trying to hide behind his mug.
“I can still see you.” Nate leaned forward and touched the back of Luka’s hand. He needed Luka to understand how important he was. Nothing mattered more than him. “I don’t need surprises and presents from you. Those can wait until you’re older. For now, you, happy and healthy is everything I need for my birthdays, okay?”
“That’s silly.”
“It’s the truth.” He gripped Luka’s hand then released it. “Though, if you want to get me a big bag of M&Ms, I wouldn’t say no, but only if you go with Lee to get them. No more lying and no more wandering off places by yourself. You were lucky Jared was such a nice guy.”
Luka lifted his head. “Do you like him?”
“Who? Jared?”
“I liked him. He was cool.” Luka picked up his mug, blew some more before flicking his tongue out and testing the heat of his drink.
“Sure, I liked him.” As much as anyone he’d met for the first time. Jared’s adorable confusion had certainly endeared him to Nate. Spending time in his company had been easier than Nate had expected, maybe because he was unfamiliar, didn’t know all the baggage of Nate’s past. Jared had been someone new, and brought with him new conversation, new experiences, new feelings. “I guess he was kinda cool.”
Luka smiled, then lowered his drink, reaching for his journal. Loose sheets of paper were stuffed between the pages.
Has he filled it again?
“Do you need a new one?” Nate couldn’t remember how long Luka had been carrying around the same journal. He loved to write and draw and sometimes jotted down his feelings among it all. Nate didn’t pry, it didn’t feel right to, but occasionally, Luka would come to him, show him what he’d been up to.
I’m curious, but that’s his own little world to populate with his thoughts and feelings.
He hoped there would never be a day he worried so much about his son he would need to invade those private scribblings.
“No. It’s not full, but I did something.” Luka opened the journal. “I wrote this for Jared.” He slid out one of the pieces of paper and held it out.
“What is it?”
“A letter.”
“For Jared? That’s sweet, but—”
“And one for Lee and Gregg and you, too.” He held out more sheets.
Nate took the notes. He glanced at Lee’s then Gregg’s, both contained an apology, to Lee for lying and to Gregg for making him come into work early. He tucked them to the back of the pile and stared at the one for Jared. He scanned the lines of thanks Luka had written. Thanks for walking him home, thanks for being nice, thanks for coming to dinner, thanks for talking to his dad.
“When did you write these?”
“Before I got in the bathtub.”
“I thought you were doing homework?”
Luka gave a teeth flashing smile. “I did that, too.”
“Really?”
Luka nodded. “I only had math.”
“Okay,” Nate said. He wasn’t wholly convinced but after today he wanted to trust Luka wouldn’t lie to him again.
“I’ll drop Lee’s to her once you’ve gone to bed, and I’ll give Gregg his when I see him next.”
“And Jared’s.”
Nate pursed his lips. “I don’t know if that’s possible.”
“But you told him to come to the bar,” Luka stated.
“I did?”
“For a cocktail.”
“I thought you were busy playing games on my phone.” Nate scratched the back of his neck, tried to remember exactly what they’d talked about. The beginning of dinner was a bit of a blur, his heart still racing, his mind unsettled. “I guess I did.” It had been a general invitation out of politeness, there was no reason Jared would take him up on the offer. There was no guarantee he’d see Jared again.
“So, make sure you give it to him.”
“Luka.”
Luka stared at him with a determined expression.
“All right.” Nate nodded. “Sure. If he stops by the bar, I’ll pass on your letter.” He turned to the note intended for him, smiled at the strange little sketch at the bottom of the page. “What’s this supposed to be?”
“What do you mean? That’s a burger.”
“Ah, so
