I wish I could slip back into my fantasyworld where none of this torment existed. I just wanted to wrap my arms aroundmother to tell her everything will be OK, but I know that’s not the case. Thereis no way she’ll leave him she’d be too frightened to. She would be foreverlooking over her shoulder wondering when he was coming for her.
When I was younger, I used to just thinkthis was the way of things and that everyone’s household was the same, but nowI know better. I’ve seen the interaction between my classmates and theirfathers and it’s in stark contrast to my reality. They have a lovingrelationship. I look on with envy as I see fathers gently ruffling their son’shair and embracing one another as they meet them at the school gates. There isno loaded silence, just easy chat with the fathers displaying a genuineinterest and enthusiasm to hear how their beloved son’s day went.
This is another fantasy of mine. I oftenimagine myself as being that boy at the school gates with a loving father;stood there with open arms ready to greet me. He doesn’t have father’s face; itdoesn’t matter too much what his face looks like and it can change frequentlyas I drop into the fantasy, but it’s never been father as this would turn myfantasy into a nightmare. At least there are still some parts of me he can’tpenetrate.
We had experienced aharsh winter and it had been unforgiving on the land. Grass was in shortsupply, so the ewes needed an extra supplement as they were heavily pregnant,so I haul a couple of buckets of sileage up to them in the nearby field. Ideposit the buckets in the feeding tray and watch as they lumber their wayover, unable to move at their usual speed whilst carrying their heavy loads. Asthey make light work of the sileage I turn my attention to my siblings.
James I see is already up to no good. Idon’t know what he’s doing but he’s out of sight and that’s never a good sign.Juliet is by my side, helpful as always. I’m seriously concerned about whatimpact father’s antics are having on her. She is way too young to be witnessinghis behaviour.
I ask her, “Are you OK?”
She beams up at me. “Yes, don’t worry,Thomas, I’m fine thanks.” Still that beautiful nature of hers. I hope and praythat his actions aren’t chipping away at it.
I risk pushing alittle further and the words are out before I realise it, “I wish mother wouldjust leave him.” A pained look flashes across her face as she considers how torespond but thinks better of it and decides not to answer. I’ve pushed too far,and I’m annoyed with myself. She’s young and is dealing with this in her ownway, lord knows I can relate. If that involves pushing it away and not talkingabout it then I respect that. We are all just trying to find a way to deal withit.
Now the feed is out it’s time to check thewater bute to ensure there’s plenty water there for the ewes. I see Carolinehas busied herself with this task. When complete she takes a seat on a largeboulder adjacent to the water bute. Her posture tells me everything I need toknow even before a single word is uttered. She is slumped forwards, her longhair dangling around her face. There is enough space on the boulder, so I sitdown next to her.
As the eldest Ialways feel a duty to look after my younger brother and sisters. With motherpreoccupied the majority of the time with matters around the croft and tryingto pacify and please father, the majority of what my siblings have learnedaround the place has come from me.
I adopt a different tactic this time.Caroline can be fragile so rather than start a conversation I simply put an armaround her. We sit like that for a few minutes in a comfortable silence. Thenshe breaks the silence.
“She’s weak you know.”
“Sorry, what did you say?”
“She’s weak, Thomas. Mother is weak, sheshould just stand up to him or pack her bags and get out. Why does she put upwith it?”
“Well perhaps she can’t see any way out.”
Caroline pauses as she considers this andcomes back with, “Possibly, but if it were me I’d find a way, I’d get thebastard back for what he’d done.”
Her words shock me.Caroline at this point is young too and I’d never heard her use language likethis. Even thinking about how she’d plot revenge on father. She was old beyondher years and it scared me. Was this the stamp he’d imprinted on her? Carolinewas quite a shy character but clearly the damage has left a simmering furythere.
AsI consider how to react, I end up not responding at all for I hear Jamesrampaging in the adjacent field chasing an ewe who’d managed to escape througha hole in the fence. He is way too exuberant – she’s heavily pregnant andscaring her could have drastic consequences for the unborn lamb. Rather thanshout over and cause more noise I run over to lend a hand. Between us we coaxher back into the correct field and she quickly re-joins the flock. It tooksome doing and we both collapse onto our backs on the grass. Too exhausted totell him off I just lie prone and then a noise breaks the silence. It’slaughter. James starts with a little chuckle then it’s a full-on hearty bellylaugh. It’s infectious and I join in. He takes to his feet and does animpression of the pregnant ewe; legs akimbo cluelessly darting this way andthat then it all becomes too much, and he falls down again rolling about thegrass in fits of laughter. I am so grateful to this boy. He has provided uswith a welcome distraction and lifted our spirits, for now at least.
CHAPTER 6
T
hankfully I awaken this morning having managed to get somesleep.
