Whilst he reads her the riot act, Carolinewhispers in my ear, “If you don’t do something about him soon, I’m going totake matters into my own hands. I can’t put up with this any longer. He needslocked up and the key thrown away.”
Under my breath I whisper back, “He’sstill our father.” Who am I trying to kid? I know his behaviour is outrageous andI often fantasise about leaving but there’s still a part of me which is pulledtowards staying here. I’ve reasoned over the recent years that this is borneout of a need to protect mother but what if I was falling victim to StockholmSyndrome?
“Father, father?!” Caroline presses on.“He’s not worthy of the title.”
I am shifting back and forth in my seatnow, petrified that he is tuned into the conversation, but he is too busyfinishing off ranting at mother. James, who is on the other side of me, chipsin too, “She’s right you know, no one should have to live like this.” I decidethe best way to deal with the two of them is to simply not interact. This worksonly for a short moment as there is no pacifying Caroline.
“Thomas, I love you, you know that, butI’m starting to think it’s not only mother who needs to grow a backbone!”Mercifully, they’re both now quiet; Caroline having got this off her chest. Ididn’t think it was possible to feel worse than I had before but with herparting comment I’ve sunk to a new low and I can feel a simmering rage in mystomach directed not towards Caroline but towards him. You have done this, Ithink to myself, you’ve tortured us and now you’re turning my siblings againstme!
At that moment I start to wonder what Icould be capable of. The mental anguish is too much to bear, and I feel asthough I’m coming undone, ready to explode. Thankfully he beats a retreat andstorms back through to the dining room and fixes another large Scotch thenslams the door shut, leaving us to it. I can now properly engage with motherbut I’m not sure what to do or say. I venture a meek “Mother” and I get off myseat, arms outstretched to give her a hug, but she backs off, too ashamed withthe state she is in and says simply, “It’s OK, son, you go to your room,sweetheart, I’ll see to this. Sorry about everything on your birthday too ofall days.” Sorry about everything! She is apologising for him! I can feel thathot fury bubbling away again. I am fit to burst!
“He shouldn’t be allowed to do this toyou, mother.” I realise Caroline’s words are having an impact on me as Inormally avoid the subject, fearful of making things worse for her. I look ather and her eyes are full of sadness. Sad for the wretched life she’s livingand sad for the impact he’s having on the rest of us. She doesn’t know how tofix this. Of course she doesn’t, otherwise she’d have found a way out long agoso she simply reverts to the usual tactic of cleaning up the mess and brushingthe incident under the carpet as though it had never happened. Her eyes arepleading with me to leave her to it, and I relent, then motion to James andCaroline to join me.
Carolinehas to have a final say though, she can’t help herself, “One of these dayshe’ll take it to the next level and you’re not going to walk out of here.” Iturn around to see my mother before leaving the room and for once she hasn’tjust ‘jumped to it’ busying herself cleaning the place. She is slouched in oneof the chairs, looking as though all fight and hope and resolve have left herbody entirely. A solitary tear traces its way down her cheek, navigating itsjourney past stinking excrement and vomit.
CHAPTER 12
Janey
W
ith work still thinking I am unwell, I waste no time inmaking final preparations to set off. It was difficult saying goodbye toMichael. Not because he was upset, far from it. He was over the moon to get tospend a few days with Lucas and Amy’s cooking is legendary, so I know he ismore than well taken care of. It was more that I didn’t like lying to him aboutwhy I’m heading up there. I made up an excuse about work being so hectic latelyand needing some time out. “Whilst your father is working through the day I’llrelax or do a little sightseeing then catch up with him later, it’ll be justwhat I need.” Bless him, he didn’t ask once to join me, sensing from the threadof conversation that I was looking forward to some ‘time out.’
We hugged briefly on Amy’s doorstep thenhe was off in search of Lucas, leaving Amy and I alone. I thank her again for takingMichael in and she waves it off as though it was no big deal then steps towardsme and squeezes me in an unusually tight embrace. Amy always has been veryintuitive, and I sense she knows there’s more to this trip than meets the eye.Being held like that fires up some of my pent-up emotion and I’m so close totelling her everything, imagining some of the relief I’d feel at sharing theweight of this heavy burden I’m carrying about just now. But thankfully, sheloosens her grip and takes a step backwards before I have a chance to blurt outanything I would later regret. She looks me directly in the eyes and says,“Don’t hesitate to call anytime, Janey, if there’s anything at all. I’m hereand don’t worry about Michael, he’ll be well taken care of.” I thank her againand head towards the car.
I set out on the longjourney northwards. My stomach is churning, and a dull throbbing sensation isever present at my temples with all the thoughts turning over and over in mymind. There are
