“When we first met it was entirelycoincidental and I don’t regret it, I bless that day. I started at EdinburghUniversity completely unaware that you were on the same campus. I am not lyingto you. I swear I had no idea. I first saw you (as you know) when I joined thedebating team. I recognised you immediately but kept my distance. If I amhonest, I was completely in awe of you. The way you had turned your life aroundand how accomplished you were when you put your argument forwards … Things onlyprogressed when you asked me out for coffee and well, you know the rest of thestory. I am sure you can appreciate at that point there was no way I could tellyou what I know. You were clearly well on the road to recovery. The last thingI wanted to do was to set you back. Then when we became close, it just neverseemed like the right time to tell you. I am sorry though, sweetheart, trulysorry. I hope you can find it in your heart to accept that and we can move onfrom this.”
She looks at me forsome reassurance, but I have nothing to give. I am completely spent. I cannotremember a day like it. My mind has shut down involuntarily and is incapable oftaking any more in. I make my excuses and head in the direction of the bedroomto lie down.
With my mind in utter turmoil, there is nochance of any sleep coming my way but sitting alone with my thoughts stillseems preferable than engaging in any further conversation. I do not want torun the risk of hearing any more revelations today thank you very much! It isall too much to process. My heart attempts to reason with my head, affirmingthat I simply need time to sit with it, to digest it all. Then my head catapultsinto orbit, darting this way and that, spinning out of control. What I haveheard today has shaken me to the very core of my being and I question whether Iwill ever be at ease with it all.
George knocks on my door a couple of hourslater to tell me dinner is served. Like a robot I mechanically go through themotions of eating what has been put down for me. It could have been hautecuisine or prison gruel for all I cared. I could sense Janey desperately tryingto read me for any sign that I was coming around and processing what shedivulged earlier. But there was no way I was ready to play happy families justyet.
After dinner I head out alone onto thedeck. It is a blessing. A combination of the fresh air and the noise of thewater gently lapping up against the rocks has a soporific effect, taking me outof my head and making me feel drowsy. Unfortunately, it doesn’t last long.George pulls up a chair next to me.
“Apologies Thomas, I know it was a hell ofa lot for you to take on board today. There really was no easy way to tell youand it was impossible to sugar-coat it. You need (and deserve) to know thetruth. Anyway, I don’t want to bombard you any further. I just came out tocheck on you.” He gets us to leave. I must be a glutton for punishment. It’sout before I remember the vow I made to myself earlier in the evening not toengage in any more conversation.
“Whilst you are here, there is somethingwhich has been niggling away at me.”
“Go on, ask away.”
“It doesn’t quite add up, George. Your crusadeto bring me back to confront my demons. The ‘unfinished business.’ I mean, Iunderstand it from my perspective, but what is in it for you? Why go to thebother of tracking me down all these years later and put me up in your houseetc.? What do you gain from all of this?”
“It’s not about gaining anything. Yourcase has haunted me over the years. I know you had gone on to lead by allintents and purposes a ‘normal life’, but I also knew until you knew the truthand faced up to it, you were living a lie and it would all completely unravel.That is part of it. The other part is harder to explain. From the minute Ispent time with you in that hospital, I felt a connection with you. What yourfather did was wicked and callous, and his mark is still being felt today. Youwere so lost and vulnerable and for whatever reason, it became my mission tohelp you; to heal you and set you on the right path. The professional code ofconduct of not getting attached went right out of the window. For me, youbecame the son I never had.”
Iturn to him and not for the first time today I am once again renderedspeechless.
CHAPTER 24
The Following Day
A
fter a fitful night’s sleep, I wake to a new dawn, to a newreality. I consider that which is within my control – my relationship withJaney and where we go from here. She is still staying in the apartment I hadoriginally rented and that is a blessing. It has given me some much-neededbreathing space overnight and this morning. I was bowled over with herconfession. To say I was shocked was a gross underestimate. Entering a seriousrelationship with someone whom she knew from such a shocking encounter isunconventional to say the least.
However, we have had many happy yearstogether and there is Michael to consider too. I did briefly imagine what lifewould be like without Janey in the picture and it felt bleak. Did I want tosplit our family unit up? Not a chance. Had this revelation come at the startof the relationship would I have carried things further? Unlikely. Janey wasright on that count. There wouldn’t have been a good time to tell me at thestart. When we met at university yes, I had moved on to a certain extent, butit was all still quite raw. I certainly couldn’t have contemplated havingsomeone in my life with the knowledge of my past which Janey possessed. Itwould
