Then I see it in hisface. His features contort. He turns in an instant from the frightened, pitifulcreature I had encountered only moments ago, to the nasty, evil monster whichhaunted my childhood. “What is it, boy? Cat got your tongue? You always wereuseless. A low-down good-for-nothing waste of space.” He pauses then twists theknife in deeper. “Just like that crazy bitch mother of yours!”
I cock my head from side to side, takinghim all in, scrutinising him as if he were a new lifeform, beholding him forthe first time under a microscopic lens. In that moment, it occurs to me hecould say what he liked to me. The words did not hold the gravitas they oncedid for I see it now; they are only words. The choice is mine – whether I letthose words sink in and cause irreversible damage. Or, whether I see them forwhat they really are – the rantings and ramblings of a bitter, old, twistedsoul so pickled with liquor, it is quite possible he doesn’t even have a cluewhat he is saying.
However, this does not mean he is off thehook. He needs to hear a few home truths. This is after all why I brought himout here. It is not only Bert who is growing impatient. James lets his feelingsbe known;
“Well, aren’t you gonna give him chapterand verse?”
“I am getting to it, James, believe me!”
Bert launches in, “No fucking way! So, youhaven’t outgrown your little fantasy world then? You still speak to your imaginaryfriends?” (he emphasises the word ‘imaginary’ for maximum impact). Indomitably,he carries on. “The thing I cannot quite understand is how you ever bagged apiece of skirt. What woman worth her salt would happily put up with that shiteYou were a complete waste of space years ago and nothing, it seems, haschanged!”
He has nowsuccessfully pushed my buttons by bringing Janey into it. “I am a completewaste of space, am I? You bastard! If I am certified mentally ill and ‘hearvoices,’ then it’s your fault! All the abuse I suffered at your hands andwitnessing how you treated mother, that’s what caused me to start hearingvoices in the first place!” He shakes his head, dismissing what I’ve said. “Ihave read the psychologists report which was carried out following our lastencounter at Neist Point … after you attacked me, landing me in hospital. It isdamming. It is all there in black and white; it confirms that my mental statewas all your doing. What was it he said? ‘Psychosis brought on by significantand sustained trauma inflicted by the boy’s father during childhood, bothphysical and mental.’ How you managed to worm your way out of a prison sentencefor what you did, I do not know. You left me for dead out there in that storm.”
I see he is takinghis time to choose his words carefully, clearly fearful of implicating himself.“They couldn’t prove nothing! It was your word against mine and let’s be honesthere, they’re not gonna believe the ramblings of a psychotic, delusional lad! Oh,and your mother backed me up! She gave me an alibi; said I was with her when ithappened.” He is delighting in telling me this part, his face full of glee.“She took a little persuading (if you know what I mean – put in her place yaken), but she soon came around. Then bingo, I killed two birdies with onestone! Got myself out of trouble with the law and got rid of you at the sametime. George thought I was mad at him for meddling. Nothing could be furtherfrom the truth! His meddling secured you a home with foster parents and I wasrid of you once and for all! Mary wasn’t far behind you either! Crazy bitchtotally lost her marbles, and the care home was only too happy to take her in.I got myself a sweet wee life after that, rid of the pair of you!”
He truly is a piece of work. There is noremorse whatsoever. He thinks himself marvellous for plotting and scheming toget rid of mother and I and for managing to evade being brought to justice. Andall for what? So he can live a lonely existence in that now putrid, stinkingcroft where no doubt he will end his days having drunk himself to death!
By no means did hedeserve it, but I decided to give him one last chance, one last chance to makeamends. “If I was such a burden to you and you wanted rid of me, why didn’t youget me the help I needed when I was living in the ‘fantasy world’ youdescribed? Perhaps I’d have been taken off your hands then.” He laughs out loudat this.
“What, and ruin all the fun I was havingwatching your pathetic little puppet show?! You didn’t know the differencebetween fantasy and reality, your personalities were so intertwined. I neverknew which one I was talking to!” He is bent double laughing as though this isthe funniest thing he has ever heard.
It is too much. Caroline now has her say:“Are you really going to let him speak to you like that? Tell him the truth.”Of course. I feel around in my coat pocket and come across it immediately.There is a chance he does know but he might be completely in the dark. Ibrandish my birth certificate in front of him. He might have been utterlycock-sure of himself only seconds ago, but self-preservation is high on hisagenda and he doesn’t inch any closer towards me to see what the document says.“Very well, if you are not prepared to come forwards to read it, I will happilyshare its contents with you. Bert, this is my birth certificate. I would liketo draw your attention
