30
The next afternoon I bike to Matt’s house, wanting to put things right. For real this time.
I coast along the familiar back roads, this trip so different from the hundreds before it.
Different from the hundreds that will hopefully come after it.
If he doesn’t hate me.
As I turn into his development, I see him sitting on the front porch, in the same spot where we used to sit and wait for my dad to come pick me up. He’s on his phone, still wearing his white lifeguard tank top from the pool.
I slow to a stop, hopping off and kicking the kickstand into place. He looks up, surprised to see me.
“Hey,” I say as I sit down next to him on the top step.
“Hey,” he says, resting his arms on his legs and interlacing his fingers, just like he always does when something is serious. Like he can tell what’s coming.
We’re both silent for a second, like we’re afraid to poke a sleeping bear. I look over at him, squinting into the afternoon sun.
“I’m sorry,” I say, meaning it more than those words can convey. “I am so sorry, Matt. For the kiss at the lake and ignoring you the past few days instead of giving you an explanation. Instead of just being honest with you, like I said I would be.”
He nods, his brow furrowing slightly. “Can you be?” he asks finally, looking down at his hands. “For real this time?”
I let out a long exhale.
“I was scared,” I say, telling him the truth. “All along, I’ve been scared to admit the fact that something was missing on my end, so I just came up with these stupid excuses to break us up instead of being real with you. Like the night of junior prom. I was scared to tell you I didn’t want to take things to the next level. So I did something stupid to push you away instead of just talking to you. And then I thought the list would help me find the missing piece but… it didn’t. At least not the way I expected.”
Matt looks over at me, his jaw locking in a way that’s so familiar to me. “You could’ve,” he says. “You could’ve just talked to me, Em. We used to talk about everything. If I’m honest… I think that’s been missing for me, too. I think I thought if we took it to the next level, it might click back into place.”
I think about all the years we’ve known each other. Our adventures in middle school. Our group of friends, all piled together at a lunch table.
“I know,” I say. “And I should have. I should have then, and before that, and long before now.”
“So this is it? For real this time.”
“Yeah,” I say, nodding. “Breaking up, getting back together, trying to make it work. It’s not working.”
He lets out a long exhale, pushing his unruly hair out of his eyes. “Did I do something wrong? Like… this weekend? Or during our relationship? Or—”
“No! No,” I say, shaking my head. “Not at all. It’s not you at all. You’re the best guy in this whole damn town. It’s… well. It’s me. I just… I don’t like guys, Matt. And I didn’t know how to admit that… until now.”
He stares at me for a long moment while I hold my breath. I watch the gears turning, see him putting two and two together in real time.
“Oh,” he says, his eyes lighting up with understanding. “Oh.”
“You don’t hate me, right?” I blurt out, worried that even our friendship will be ruined because I couldn’t be honest. “I would get it if you did. I am so sorry, Matt. I mean, I should have—”
He shakes his head, but I can tell he’s in shock. “Of course I don’t hate you. I just… this is a lot.”
We’re both silent for a long moment, watching as a car passes. “Is it cool if I maybe just have some space?” he asks, and I nod, standing up, my stomach falling through the floor as I walk down the steps.
“Matt, I…” I spin around, but my words trail off into silence. There’s nothing left to say. “I’ll see you around.”
I grab my bike and pedal away, biting the inside of my cheek to stop myself from crying. But even as my heart breaks a little further, I can’t help but feel like I finally did it.
Even though we aren’t together, I finally made it right.
31
The day of the move is here before I know it, a week of packing gone in the blink of an eye. I keep wanting to talk to my dad, to ask him about what Nina said, to tell him, but I can never find the right time.
I wanted to do it in our old house, since it feels sacred in a way, but… I’m scared, especially after what happened with Matt. Out of everyone, I really don’t know what my dad’s reaction will be.
Johnny comes over to help us the day of the move, and I spy Winston’s furry head sticking out the passenger-side window, but Blake is nowhere to be found. When Johnny opens the car door, Winston comes running over to where I’m sitting on the porch, tail wagging.
At least someone is happy to see me.
I scratch behind his floppy ears, giving him a sad smile. “She hates me, huh, bud?” I whisper.
He whines and rests his chin on my knee, his big brown eyes drooping even more than they usually do as he looks at me.
We spend most of the day lugging furniture out to the moving truck my dad rented, a few of his coworkers at Smith & Tyler helping us out too. Gradually, right before my eyes, the house becomes empty and echo-y. Even though, maybe, in a lot of ways, it’s been empty since she left us. Tears fill my eyes as I think of how she
