“Hunnie. Sorry to barge in, but I was heading over to my parents’, and Zara told me Murphy was coming here. I need to talk with her.”
“I’ll bet you do. Got yourself in a sticky mess,” Hunnie said through a cough.
With my feelings clogging my throat and my heart barely beating, I pushed to my feet. “Ben.”
“Let’s go outside,” he said to me, then looked at Hunnie. “I’m sure you’re busy in here, Hunnie.” He gave her a look, letting me know her cough didn’t hide any of what she’d said.
My feet walked toward the door while my head nodded, but my heart stayed on the floor of the she-shed.
“Thanks, Hunnie,” Ben said, pulling me out of my mental fog.
“Is this okay?” I asked her.
Hunnie waved us off. “Go. We’ll talk later. Want some honey?” she added with a wink, and I had to stifle a groan.
When we walked outside, Ben simply said, “I’m sorry.”
“No, I was out of line. You were trying to be honest, and I disregarded it.”
“Listen,” he said, pulling me close and kissing the top of my head.
It felt heavenly to sink into his soft T-shirt, smelling all woodsy like Ben, and feel his lips pressed to my hair.
His words came out on a whisper. “You know I’ve never been very good with the social stuff. Maybe that’s why I didn’t argue about keeping us behind closed doors at Pressman. I didn’t feel comfortable really being out there. Then college was hard too. I still wasn’t the cool guy, part of the ‘in’ crowd, someone who was interesting because they traveled or was a foodie or whatever. I was the smart kid. The introvert.”
“That’s okay,” I mumbled into his chest. The sun was starting to set, and I wanted to look up at Ben, but he held my head close to his chest for his confession.
“Then, when I moved back here and finally got what I wanted, I was the outsider. The kid who had seen the world—ha, as if—because I’d been to a fancy school and Boston and become a doctor. I’d see people and say hi, occasionally go for a beer, but I never was fully back, you know?”
I nodded against his chest.
“If I spread it around about the apps, I’d be even more of an outsider. Don’t get me wrong—everyone is nice to me, and I’m nice back, but seeing Scott reminded me how some people stayed and made something of themselves right here. They furthered their family’s business or whatever, made a good life for themselves by staying in Vermont.”
Pulling back, I tilted my head to look up at him. “Ben, you’re a doctor. You help people, fix people, save lives. Right here in Vermont.”
He laughed a little, staring down at me. “I’m an orthopedic surgeon, Murph. I work on ski accidents and people who get hurt riding four-thousand-dollar bikes.”
“Stop. Seriously, you help little kids who get hurt, and old people who fall. Ben, I think you’re confusing acceptance with reverence. I’m pretty sure everyone here is impressed with you.” I lightly tapped my fist against his chest. “Your heart is bigger than anyone’s I know, and you put your whole self into helping the people who grew up all around you.”
Ben shook his head. “Let’s just agree to disagree. I’m not the local kid anymore, and sometimes it hurts. When you showed back up, I didn’t want to be poor Ben to you anymore. I wanted to be someone who could take care of you, cherish you, spoil you like you deserved. I wanted to be someone you liked for himself. As a doctor, I could be all of that. You know, I’d always dreamed of being someone who could give you the life you had while growing up, but that’s impossible. I left that dream back at Harvard. Then you showed up here, and I didn’t know what to make of it. You were different, and I didn’t want to be the solution to your problems. I wanted to be your partner. But I couldn’t do that while telling you everything in the beginning.”
I pressed my cheek to his chest again. “That’s harsh. I get it, but it’s harsh, nonetheless. I don’t want the life I had growing up, and I don’t want secrets between us. My parents ruined my entire childhood with secrets and empty promises.”
Hugging me tight, it felt like Ben might never let me go, but we had to resolve this. I had to speak my feelings.
“I get it now,” he said softly. “That’s why I avoided you all week. I needed to think. Having my partner away was good. Being by myself, I had to work so hard that I realized I don’t want work to be the main focus of my life. I want you, and more time with you. For all these years, I’ve been a loner, focusing all my affection on Branson and Brenna and my parents. Now, I’ve fallen for you, and I want to give it all to you. Please forgive me?”
He stepped back, holding my arms as he looked at me, waiting.
“I’ve missed you,” I said. “I wanted to call and tell you about the book club. Share a crappy pie or breakfast for dinner.”
“Let’s not fight again.”
Ben pulled me in tight and kissed me in front of Hunnie’s she-shed, even though she was probably peeking through the window. We stayed like that a long while until the wind picked up.
“I’d better get going,” I said, looking at the sky.
“One more thing.” Ben raised an eyebrow. “My mom wants you to come to dinner tomorrow.”
“Okay. Yes. Now, let me drive out of here before I change my mind.”
“Can I follow you home?” he asked. “Make sure you get there safely?”
As I gave him a quick nod, I wondered if we were going to make up properly. I’d never had make-up sex before, probably because I’d never cared enough about someone to make up.
27
Ben
My mouth skimmed Murphy’s cheek,
