“He’s a good training partner,” I say.
Paige shakes her head and looks back at Sang. “Is that all?”
“Of course that’s all.”
“You look at him as if he’s magic.”
“I do not.” I try to keep my voice even, but it rises with defensiveness.
“Whatever you say.” She finishes off the last of her drink. “By the way, seeing you punch Mr. Burrows is my new favorite memory of you.”
Paige stands, but pauses before she walks away. She leans down, her mouth so close to my ear that I can feel the warmth of her breath on my skin. It’s tinged with the sharp smell of alcohol. “Well, almost my favorite.”
The comment catches me off guard. I never saw her coming, which is one of the cruelties of love. I couldn’t protect her. And now, memories of the way she used to look at me in the middle of the night flood my thoughts.
She didn’t mind my changes. She called them my ebbs and flows.
She said I was her ocean.
When we started dating, she said she wanted to drown in me.
I wanted to drown in her too.
Then Nikki died, and we drowned in grief instead of each other.
A cold, prickly feeling nips at my skin, but it’s not the memory of Paige. It’s what she said about Sang, her implication that he means something to me. Paige snuck into my heart long before I realized she was there, and it’s why she was struck by lightning earlier this year. It’s why I can’t let my magic anywhere near her.
It’s why I have to ensure that I never get too close to Sang.
Then it hits me all at once, the answer to the puzzle I’ve been trying to solve since our first session after the heat wave: I’ve plateaued because I’m afraid we’ve gotten too close.
I’ve plateaued because seeing the worry on his face made me feel something.
Because the way he wrapped my hand in lavender made me think for a fleeting second that this is what love is.
I’ve plateaued because I’m afraid my magic knows about all those passing thoughts and short-lived feelings and has turned them into something they’re not.
I’m afraid he’ll be hurt because of it.
Ms. Suntile says something to Sang, and he nods and leaves the dome. I finish my drink and follow him outside. The cold air makes me shiver, and I hug my shawl closer to my body, hurrying after him.
“Hey,” I call.
He turns around and smiles as soon as he sees me. His dimples are showing, and his eyes are bright. “Hi. You look beautiful.”
My heart pounds. His words mean nothing.
“You can’t say stuff like that to me.”
The smile falls from Sang’s face. “I’m sorry.” His voice rises at the end, as if he’s asking a question. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“I’m not uncomfortable. You’re just seriously confused about what this is, and I need to make sure you understand.” I motion between the two of us.
I need to make sure my magic understands.
“Why don’t you explain it to me then.” His voice is calm but strained at the edges.
“There is nothing between us. You just happened to be the person assigned to train me.” I laugh, and it sounds mean. “You were tricked, Sang. You were brought out here and forced to work with me because Mr. Burrows thought your calming magic would help me. It was never about botany.”
Sang’s expression falters. “I came out here by choice to continue my studies under Mr. Burrows,” he says, but it isn’t convincing. He knows I’m right.
“Some mentor, huh?”
Sang shakes his head. “You never know when to let things go, do you?”
“I just thought you should know the real reason you aren’t able to fuss around with your plants all day.”
Sang looks at me as if I’m unrecognizable to him, and I instantly regret the words. The image of him tending to his orchids just minutes ago pops into my mind, and pain blooms in my chest.
“Fuss around with my plants,” he repeats, tasting the words I threw at him.
I feel my cheeks redden with heat, but I don’t say anything. If I do, I’m afraid I’ll back down, apologize, tell him Mr. Burrows was wrong for tricking him. Tell him that even though it was wrong, I’m glad I met him. So glad I met him. But I can’t. I have to make sure he knows there’s nothing here.
I have to make sure my magic knows there’s nothing here.
“I’ve always been on your side, terrible mentor or not,” he says. He does not look away from me, not for a single second, and I force myself to keep my eyes on his.
I won’t be the one to look away first.
I shrug. “You never had a choice. Neither of us did.”
“Why are you doing this? Did you seriously follow me out here just to pick a fight with me?”
“I’m not picking a fight. I just need to make sure you understand.” My voice rises, and I try to keep it together.
“I understand perfectly. I never even wanted this, for Sun’s sake. I moved here to study, not be your babysitter.” He pauses, looks at me. “And between the two of us, Clara, I’m not the one who’s confused. I never was.”
Sang turns and walks away.
“I’m not confused,” I shout after him, but my voice sounds shrill and unsteady.
He throws his hands up and keeps walking.
I can’t believe I let Paige worry me over Sang. If he were more to me than a training partner, the sight of him storming off wouldn’t be a relief. It wouldn’t be okay.
But it is.
And even though I wish I didn’t have to say those things to Sang, I feel better. Because now I know with absolute certainty that there will never be a reason for my magic to seek him out.
We can keep training together.
I can
