"Nice to meet you, Caitlyn. I hear you are quite the pitcher."
Caitlyn's eyes narrowed as she glared at Alex before reaching out to accept Rachel's extended hand. "It’s a pleasure."
"Get over yourself, Amazon. It's not like you are the topic of conversation in my therapy sessions." Alex rolled her eyes. "Rachel happens to be a big softball fan and knows who you are. Why don't you go help your mother for a while? I'll come and find you when we finish."
Caitlyn gave a quick nod as she said, "Sounds like a plan. I'll see you later. It was nice to meet you, Rachel."
A little more than an hour later, Alex tossed another tissue in the trash and sighed. "I thought this was supposed to get easier."
Rachel put her arm around Alex's shoulders and pulled her close. "It will, honey. I promise." She wiped a tear from her cheek. "Just give it some time." Alex leaned into her embrace and rested her head on her shoulder. "We've made a lot of progress already. Cut yourself some slack."
"I'll try." Alex gave Rachel a squeeze before pulling away and leaning back into the couch. "I'm just so tired of hurting, and tired of being controlled by my fears." She wiped the tears from her cheeks and closed her eyes as she rested her head against the back of the couch with a sigh.
Rachel watched her closely as she asked, "When are you going to tell Nikki and Dani who you are?" Alex sat up, her eyes growing wide. She watched as Alex began to shake and her breath came faster. "Why does the thought of telling them cause you such anxiety?"
Alex stood and began to pace, wringing her hands as she moved about the room. "I'm afraid it will change everything."
"What do you think will change?"
Alex ran her hand through her hair as she stared out the window. "I want them to be with me because they like me, not for…this." She raised her hands and gestured around the room before placing her hand over her heart. "I want them to love me for who I am inside, not what I can provide."
Just beginning to understand the issue, Rachel probed further. "How did Jo love you?"
Alex gave a disgusted grunt. "Jo never loved me. She loved what I could give her. She loved the big house, fast cars, fancy clothes, and the idea of me. She loved to show me off to the world as hers, but she never loved me. No one ever has."
"I do, and so do Nikki and Dani. They love the person you've shown them you are. Telling them the rest won't change how they feel about you, Alex."
"I'm just not ready yet."
"You know you can trust them don't you?"
She barely heard Alex's whispered reply of, "I think so, but can I trust me?"
Caitlyn looked over at Alex's puffy, red-rimmed eyes and asked, "Is it always that bad?"
"What?"
"The therapy sessions. Are they always so painful?" A wrinkle appeared between Alex's eyebrows as she frowned. "I'm sorry. I just don't remember the last time I saw you cry, and it's obvious that you did this morning. I just wondered…" She shrugged and looked down at her hands clasped in her lap. "I'm sorry. It's none of my business."
Alex reached over and took one of her hands, lacing their fingers together. "It's okay, and to answer your question, no. This was a particularly painful session. Some days are relatively easy, almost like it's just conversation between friends. Other days, it's like Rachel is reaching in and ripping out a part of me with every question she asks and each issue discussed." She gave her a small smile and a shrug. "Today was just one of those days."
"Are you…" Caitlyn paused.
She squeezed her hand. "It's okay."
She looked down into Alex's eyes and asked, "Is it helping?"
"I think so, yes."
"Good. Even with the rough morning, you seem to be a lot happier than I can remember you being in a long time." She bumped her shoulder against Alex's. "Mom said you even have friends again."
"I do."
"I'm glad. I was worried about you. You've been so withdrawn." Alex silently nodded. "It really made me sad to see how much you changed when Jo came into your life. We hoped that would change once she was gone and were concerned when it didn't."
She looked out the back windows at the lake as she thought about it. "I didn't see what was happening until it was too late."
"It's never too late." As Alex began to shake her head in denial, Caitlyn continued. "You sent Jo packing, and now you are reaching out for your friends. You are getting professional help, and I'm proud of you for that."
"I don’t know if I'll ever be the old me again. My ability to trust has been severely compromised. I don’t even trust myself sometimes."
"What do you mean?"
Alex let go of her hand and reached for her glass of tea as she thought about the question. "I question my decisions far more than I ever used to." She took a drink and returned the glass to the coffee table. "Why did I make the decision I made? Was it a decision based on fact or fear? Did I make the right one? Should I change it? There are just so many questions. I used to trust myself, now I don't. I’m so afraid of making the same mistakes again."
She looked away as her eyes began to fill with tears. "Now more than ever, I question everyone else's motives." She closed her eyes against the press of emotions. "Nikki is the polar opposite of Jo. There really is no comparison and yet I find myself wondering why she's with me. If we have even the smallest disagreement I find myself cowering from her, afraid she is going to hit me." She sighed
