Rachel nodded as she stared out of the back window overlooking the lake. After several moments of silence, Alex couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "What are you thinking?"
Rachel looked at her with a bewildered expression. "Sorry. I was just wondering what it would be like to not like who you are. I can't imagine. No matter how bad things have ever gotten, I've always had myself." She shook her head, perplexed, and lifted her hands as if to say she gave up. "I just can't imagine."
Alex gave her an understanding smile. "I'm very glad to hear that, for your sake. Trust me when I say it is not a good place to be."
She nodded as she looked at her clasped hands. "I'm sorry, Alex. I should have caught that. I feel like I've failed you as a therapist."
"Far from it, Ray. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you and your family."
She looked up as her brow furrowed. She was instantly concerned with the tone and inflection in Alex's voice. "What exactly do you mean by that?"
Alex stared out of the windows and gathered her thoughts. 'It is time to stop holding back, Alex.' She took a deep breath and responded. "I've had several doctors tell me that there is no medical reason why I didn't wake up the first week after the accident. My head injury wasn't bad enough to keep me in that coma for so long." She pulled her legs up onto the seat of the recliner, tucking them under her. "I stayed in that coma because I didn't want to wake up. I had no reason to." She saw Rachel's eyes widen. "After three years of abuse, and two years trying unsuccessfully to move past it, I was ready to give up. Life no longer held any appeal."
"As your friend, that makes me very sad." Rachel paused as she thought about her next words. Alex sipped her iced tea and waited patiently for her to continue. "You have come to mean a great deal to my family. I don't ever want you to feel that way again. I'm sure Dani and Nikki would agree with me. Please tell me if you ever feel like giving up again."
Alex looked at her suspiciously. She watched her closely as she asked, "Is there something you need to tell me, Rachel?" She looked confused by the question and slowly shook her head. "First you ask me about changing for Nikki, and then you say that. What do you expect me to think?"
As understanding dawned, she began to shake her head vigorously. "No, Alex, absolutely not. You know Nikki simply adores you. You just misunderstood my concern." She slid forward, sitting on the edge of the couch as she tried to convince her. "I was taken aback by your confession of apathy towards life. You always seemed so full of life, and enjoyed it so."
Alex held up a hand, stopping her. "Before you met me, or after?"
As she thought about it, Rachel slowly slumped back against the cushions. "Before. I just assumed your detachment was due to the accident, and the fact that we were total strangers." She watched as Alex shook her head. "Knowing this just raises more concerns. I don't want you to ever get to the point of considering suicide again. Please promise me you'll talk to me long before you get that depressed ever again."
Alex gave her a reassuring smile. "Of course. I don't think it will ever come to that again. You all have helped me find Alexis again. Besides, I now have four wonderful people in my life that I love very much. Isn't that reason enough to hang around?"
"I certainly hope so." She reached for her glass of tea on the coffee table, and took a long drink. As she set the glass back down she asked, "Have you told Nikki who you are yet?" She saw the guilt as it swept across her features and sighed in disappointment. "A relationship built on dishonesty can't last, Alex. You've got to tell her."
Alex chewed on her lip, and twisted her fingers in her lap. "I know, I know. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I plan on telling her this weekend while we're out of town."
"Why wait?"
"It's been too difficult here. I tried a couple of times, but something always comes up to interrupt us." She shrugged as she looked out the window. "I'm hoping that being away from here will limit the distractions enough to allow the conversation." She looked back at Rachel and waited for her to comment.
"I see."
"That's all you have to say?"
Rachel's hands lifted slightly before falling back to her lap. "What do you want me to say? You know how I feel about this."
"Yeah. I know I've let this go on far too long. Just remember, there's a reason I've hidden things. As much as I've told you, there are still several things you don't know, Ray."
Rachel's eyes sparkled with humor as she replied, "I had considered the possibility." Alex chuckled as she stood and reached for her glass. "What are you laughing at?"
"Just how diplomatically you managed to call me a dumbass." She pointed to Rachel's nearly empty glass. "Would you like a re-fill?"
Rachel grinned at Alex's comment as she replied, "Sure."
Friday morning Alex and Nikki packed up Alex's 2013 BMW 535i, and headed out. They took their time, stopping
