Metis feels his heart growing in his chest.
“So, what are you going to do?” Benja asks.
“What do you mean?”
“You know, to get her to remember?”
“I’m not. She’s entitled to her life.”
“A hypocrite and a moron. And to think I admired you.”
“What would you have me do? Take off my clothes and break into her house?”
“For the record, I broke into the house before I took off my clothes.”
Metis shakes his head. “Do you care about anyone but yourself? There are consequences to every action, and you’ve already put yourself in a bad situation. I’ll be damned if you drag the rest of us down with you.”
Benja’s face reddens. He mumbles, “No one knows about you guys.”
Metis narrows his eyes. “Does Aris?”
Benja says nothing.
Metis speaks slowly so the words would sink in, “You have no idea how precious Absinthe is. The authorities would destroy it the first chance they get. It must be protected.”
“What’s the point of protecting it if you can’t use it to its full potential? Why not give it to her and spare yourself the pain?”
“It has to be her choice. You can’t mix your past and present.”
Benja scoffs. “Yeah, yeah, I heard that crap before. You can’t be with her because your love is honorable and pure. That’s such bullshit. You’ve been stalking her, pining for her just as I’ve been for my lover. You’re not honorable. You’re petrified.”
Benja gets up from the couch and begins to pace with his arms wrapped around his middle.
“You know what pure love feels like? It’s like having a star burning in the pit of your stomach, consuming you from inside. You can’t eat, can’t sleep because there’s a hole inside you that demands to be filled. Nothing will satiate it but that person. You’d do anything. Anything. Just for the chance of getting a glimpse of your love.”
Metis’s fists clench into balls. “Don’t you dare lecture me on love. You’ve found out you have an old lover when? A month ago? I remembered mine near the beginning of this cycle. You’ve lived with that hole inside you for a fraction of the time I’ve been living with mine. The difference between us is restraint.”
Benja laughs bitterly. “Restraint. What does that get you?”
“And what does acting on your obsession get you? A night at the police station sure feels just like the warm embrace of a lover, doesn’t it?”
They stare at each other, each unwilling to back down. Metis feels like punching a wall or Benja’s face.
“Look, you brought me here because there’s something you want. Just spit it out.”
Benja sighs. “Absinthe. I need enough for the rest of this cycle, seeing that I won’t be allowed into the meetings any longer.”
“Aren’t you going to tell me if I don’t give you what you want, you’ll give up my identity to the authorities?”
Benja laughs. “No, only to Aris.”
Metis’s blood runs cold.
Benja continues, “Look, I don’t want the police to meddle in our affairs any more than you do. I’m not going to turn in the maker of Absinthe. And for good faith I’ll even throw in a sweetener.”
“What?”
“I’ll convince Aris to take Absinthe,” Benja says.
Metis presses his back against the window behind him.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be her choice. I can be convincing. If she still has memories of you, you two can live happily ever aft—I mean, until the next Tabula Rasa. If she doesn’t, her life will be no different than it is today, and you can walk away knowing you’ve done everything you could.”
“Why do you want to do this?”
He smiles. “You mean besides having my own supply of Absinthe?”
“You could have stolen it from me and not gone through this trouble.”
“That’s a thought,” Benja says and shrugs. “Too late now. Besides, I’m kind of curious.”
Metis stares at him. The handsome man still has his arms wrapped around his stomach as if letting go would mean spilling out his insides. Benja’s eyes gaze outside, into the pit of darkness. Metis feels sorry for him. And himself. They are both stuck like rats on the tar of this life.
Thane waits despite the biting cold wind stabbing his exposed parts like tiny pointed knives. He adjusts the knitted hat on his head and looks up at the high-rise building where Benja lives. A man went up with him—the first guest Thane ever saw him bring to his apartment. The man looks familiar, but Thane cannot pinpoint where he has seen him before. He is not in the file of suspects.
Are they friends? Lovers for the night? Thane does not know. But there is a chance that he is Benja’s supplier. And for that chance, no matter how tiny, Thane waits.
He looks up at the clear sky. This cycle is flashing before him like a meteor. It seems like it was just yesterday when he woke up in the hospital after Tabula Rasa. For almost four years he lived a simple life—assigned a name, a job, and a place to live. If only they had assigned him a lover too; life would have been better.
He has been spending too much time this cycle searching for someone to share this life with. Too many times he has sat across from strangers trying to force a connection, wasting moments on empty conversations.
He thinks of Aris. She is his missed opportunity. He wonders whether he will see her in their next life.
A little more than three months, and it will begin. Another chance to get it right. A rebirth. He can shrug off this old cocoon and become someone different—whomever he wants to be. But will he change? Will the next life be different, or will he simply be the same Thane with another name and another job?
Will he work for the Interpreter Center again? Will Apollina still
