I took Constance’s hand and patted it softly, the way I saw women show affection to their children. Why hadn’t I done it more? Every week, every day?
“I love you very much, Connie. You’re everything to me, you and Ruby. You know that.”
The corners of her mouth lifted into a smile that was all she had the strength to do. “I love you too, Dad.”
It was a farewell, and we both knew it. She blinked frantically and I put my head on our joined hands. I tried to get rid of the tightness in my throat, I didn’t want her to hear me cry again. Don’t go yet, I thought and squeezed her firmly. As if I could keep her by my side, protect her from the outside forces, by holding on to her tight.
The day hadn’t even started yet, it was just getting light, and I felt like I’d been there for a hundred years. I watched Connie go back to a deep, dreamless sleep, exhausted by our conversation. My granddaughter was breathing calmly, and I suddenly felt the need to take my mind off it all. I couldn’t just keep sitting still. I went to the kitchen to make coffee, and started sipping on it as soon as it was made, never mind the burnt tongue. I was willing to suffer any kind of physical pain, just to escape the hopelessness for a moment.
Without thinking, I reached for a remote and turned the TV on. I knew the morning news wouldn’t bring anything good, but I still couldn’t make myself look away. Like a masochist.
“Health Authorities have confirmed that the new disease targets the respiratory system, and once it reaches a certain stage,” the newsreader paused and coughed quietly into her hand, “it’s incurable. Hospitals across the country continue to report a rising number of deaths. So far, mainly among risk groups, the elderly and those suffering from asthma and other lung diseases. Unfortunately, cases have also been reported where the new virus caused the death of young, healthy people, and even children.
“The origin of the virus is still unknown, but the situation suggests it was deliberately released into the public. We are therefore asking all citizens to practice social distancing and remain in their homes as much as possible. If you notice you are displaying any symptoms…”
I shook off my stupor and quickly switched the TV off. I returned back to the armchair and watched my daughter’s chest, I needed to make sure it’s still falling and rising. Of course Connie was trying to save the world by helping the environment in any way possible. There was really nothing surprising about that. As a teenager, she joined protests while her peers hung around shopping centres and threw popcorn at each other in the cinema. But why did she now have to do all this at the expense of her health?
I had no idea how long I would have sat there, maybe all the way to the end, if Ruby didn’t wake up and demand attention, breakfast, and entertainment. She knew that Mum was sick, and I didn’t want to explain just how much. So I acted like everything was fine, and looked after my granddaughter as usual. No rush.
Ruby had never been too keen on TV, and her modest collection of toys didn’t entertain her for long either. She demanded a walk around the farm, and although I would have much rather sat with my daughter, I gave in.
“Alright then, come on, Connie,” I said and took the girl’s hand. Only then did I realise my mistake. I was so absorbed in my memories that I sometimes struggled to separate the present from the past. “I mean Ruby.”
“You’re a bumbler, Grampa,” she giggled. She eagerly walked outside with me, and just like the day before, although this time without Darlene’s assistance, we walked around the farm, talking to the animals, petting the fallow deer and cuddled the farm dog.
I’d forgotten the dog’s name. I stared numbly into the black and white fur, but it didn’t come back to me. I looked up and scanned the farm, nobody was around. How was Darlene doing? Hugh must have been too ill to leave the bed. He’d already been so pale when we got here. Was Darlene now lying next to him, delirious and feverish?
A hundred percent infection and death rate. Connie’s words were coming back to me with an incredible intensity. Two to three weeks, that’s all she had after the virus injection. The day after tomorrow it would be three weeks, but could I be sure that, with her shallow breathing, she’ll make it through two more nights?
Connie
It had been months since I found out I would have to die soon. But now, staring death in the face, I wished I could go back in time and choose between the virus and the cancer. I could have borrowed another six months with my family. Sure, it might not have worked out, the vaccines were limited and trying to steal one would mean taking away either Ruby’s or Dad’s future. But I could have tried to survive some other way. Isolate, not go to any of the places where I could become infected.
I let that fantasy envelop me, it was the only way to hold back the despair, waiting by the side of my bed, ready to lunge at me. I imagined telling Dad about everything I’d learned from Mark, straight away. Taking the vaccines and then moving to New Zealand with my family before the plague was even released, living out the remaining three or four months of my life with them
