“Mac …”
He shook his head. “Anyway, my uncle said I had to get my shit together, needed a goal, a proper career. He had a friend on the police force. Told me if I went to community college, worked for my GED, that I could eventually apply to the academy when I was twenty-one and he’d help me get in. So I worked in the garage for my uncle, and I studied part time. Then you were born.” His eyes filled with a light that took my breath away. “For the first time in my life, I had purpose. You, Robyn. I have never loved anyone the way I love you. Those have never been easy words for me to say, except with you.”
I remembered.
He used to tell me all the time he loved me.
Renewed tears slipped down my cheeks.
His sad eyes tracked them. “I tried to make things work with your mum, but we were just too different. And she never forgave me for lying about my age.”
“Did she love you?”
“Aye, I eventually realized that she did. But she was also caustic and argumentative and controlling. I brought out the worst in her. And I … I was still so young. While I’d never been allowed to be a kid, looking back, I realize emotionally, I was. I was just a kid. Still, as scary as it was, I loved being your dad. But I wasn’t ready to be a husband. Stacey and I didn’t last long. We were only together for about a year after you were born, and then I got you every other weekend and alternating holidays.”
“I remember.”
“I met Seth a few years before I joined the police academy and introduced him to your mum and everything was better for a while. They got pregnant with Regan quite quickly, but Stacey was different. Happier.” His features tightened as he looked over my shoulder, lost in his memories it seemed. “I’d been training in jiujitsu since I was eighteen, and I started RBSD during my time on the force. I was pretty good at the former—I don’t know if you remember?”
I remembered. Dad was being modest. He’d won the US national championship in jiujitsu three years running and had wanted me to learn, but Mom was against it. Said I was too young. As for the RBSD training, I hadn’t known about that. Reality-based self-defense was a style of martial arts originally developed by a soldier turned cop for close combat situations. I was sure it, Mac’s police training, and his championship wins looked good on a résumé for someone in need of a bodyguard.
Mac continued, and I understood why he was telling me all this. “I realized I didn’t want to be a cop, but I felt suited to protecting people. When a security position came up for a senator, I applied. I got it. From there, I worked as a bodyguard for a few wealthy clients. I was on a work trip in Los Angeles and quite by chance was introduced to Lachlan. His first big film was a huge hit, and his face was everywhere. He was looking for a permanent security team. At first, we were just two Scotsmen happy to be in the company of a fellow Scotsman, but then we realized we got along well, and I accepted his offer to join his team.”
Mac sighed again. “Robyn, I won’t lie to you and say I left Boston just for the money. I loved my job, and I liked traveling. In the end, I was a selfish prick.”
I didn’t know what to say. Mostly because I didn’t disagree.
“But I did try. I promise you, I tried.” He reached for my hand, squeezing it tight. “Something happened between your mother and me, and … when I told her I was taking the job with Lachlan and that we’d need to figure out a new custody arrangement, she told me that she was still in love with me and she didn’t want me to leave.”
I think my jaw might have hit the floor. “When … I was … but I was twelve. Regan was eight. Mom and Seth had been married almost as long.”
“It came out of nowhere for me.”
“I can imagine.” Jesus Christ. No wonder Seth and Mom had argued so much back then.
“I suspected she was just going through something and was fixated on the idea that whatever was making her unhappy was losing me. I didn’t believe that was what was wrong with her, and I told her to stay with Seth who loved her. To talk to him. Figure things out. But your mum … och, I don’t know, Robyn. I don’t know if part of it was that she was a wee bit jealous of my new job, my new life …”
“And the way I hero-worshipped you,” I added.
“Aye, maybe that too.” He released my hand but only to slump back in his chair. He looked exhausted, and I was just about to open my mouth to suggest we leave it there and talk later when he continued. “She started making it impossible to see you. Anytime I had time off and could fly back to Boston, it wasn’t the right time for her. When I asked if you could spend a few weeks in LA with me during the summer, she said no. It went on like that for a while, until you were about fourteen, I think, and out of the blue, she called and told me I needed to come to Boston, that you needed me, you missed me.”
When I was fourteen?
Oh my God.
The panic attacks. The doctor’s appointments.
She must have felt guilty for keeping him from me once she realized how badly his abandonment affected me.
I told Mac about the episodes at school.
Mac looked furious before he quickly cleared his
