She wanted Angela to grow up with memories of Christmas Eves gathered around a piano singing carols, of midnight church services, and of the chaos of Christmas morning with dozens of cousins and aunts and uncles. She couldn’t give her those things, but Erik’s family could. And as difficult as it might be at times to be around Luke without touching him, without openly loving him, she would see to it that the connection with the Adamses was never severed.
She glanced up to find Luke’s gaze on her. She smiled, her eyes misty. “We’ll make it sort of a Christmas Eve ceremony,” she said, wondering at the magic that shimmered through her at the hint they were starting a tradition of their own. The memory of it was something she could hold tight, something no one could criticize or take away from her.
And yet, judging from the intent way Luke studied her, there must have been a note of sadness in her voice she hadn’t realized was there.
“Are you sorry you’re not spending Christmas Eve at my parents’ house?” he asked.
There was an odd undercurrent to the question that Jessie couldn’t interpret. Was he regretting not acting more aggressively to get her out of his hair? Or was the question exactly what it seemed? Was he worrying about her feelings?
“It’s not the Christmas I was anticipating,” she admitted, and saw the immediate and surprising flare of disappointment in his eyes. She hurried to reassure him. “It’s better, Luke. No one could have done more to make this holiday special. You made sure I had a healthy baby. And how could I possibly regret the first Christmas with my daughter, wherever it is?”
Luke glanced at the baby she held cradled in her arms. Angela had just been fed and was already falling asleep again, her expression contented.
“She is what this season is all about, isn’t she?” he said. “They say we don’t always do so well with our own lives, but we can try harder to see that our children experience all of the magic of the holidays, that they get everything they deserve out of life.”
His bleak tone puzzled her. “Luke, you sound as if your life is over and hasn’t turned out the way you expected. That’s crazy. There’s still lots of time for you to fulfill all your dreams.”
His inscrutable gaze met hers. Something deep in his eyes reached out and touched her. It was that odd sense of connection she’d felt so often in the past, as if their souls understood things they’d never spoken of.
“I’m not so sure about that,” he said quietly. “I think maybe I missed out on the one thing that makes life worth living.”
“Which is?” she asked, her voice oddly choked.
“Love.”
Something in the way he was looking at her turned Jessie’s blood hot. Her pulse thumped unsteadily. There was no mistaking the desire in his hooded eyes, the longing threading through his voice.
Nor was there any way to deny the stubborn set of his jaw that said he would never act on whatever feelings he might have for her. Fueled by guilt or conscience, he had declared her off limits.
Which was as it should be, Jessie told herself staunchly. Yet she couldn’t explain the warring of regret and relief that his silent decision stirred in her. Stranded here with him, she didn’t dare explore any of her feelings too closely, but she had been reminded sharply of all of them. Most especially she had remembered how a simple glance could warm her, how easily the soft caress of Luke’s voice could send a tremor of pure bliss rippling through her.
At White Pines, with Erik alive, those responses had been forbidden. She had felt the deep sting of betrayal every time she hadn’t been able to control her reaction to her husband’s brother. Now it seemed the denials had gone for naught. Luke had reawakened her senses without even trying. He, thank goodness, appeared far more capable of pretending, though, that he hadn’t. The charade of casual distance between them would be maintained to protect them both from making a terrible mistake.
“I think I’ll put Angela down for a while,” she said, practically dashing from the room that vibrated with unspoken longings.
Only after she had the baby safely tucked into her makeshift bed again, only after she was curled up in a blanket herself did she give free rein to the wild fantasies that Luke set off in her. Dangerous, forbidden fantasies. Fantasies that hadn’t died, after all, not even after her attempt to put time and distance between herself and this complex man who’d found a spot in her heart with his unspoken compassion and strength of character.
“Oh, Lucas,” she whispered miserably. “How could I have done it? How could I have gone and fallen in love with you?”
There was no point in denying that love was what she was feeling. She had fought it practically from the moment she’d first set eyes on him. She had run from it, leaving him and White Pines behind. But three nights ago, when Luke had been there for her, when he had safely delivered her baby and treated her with such tenderness and compassion, the powerful feelings had come back with a vengeance.
That didn’t mean she couldn’t go on denying them with every breath left in her. She owed that to Erik.
More than that, she knew as well as Luke obviously did, the kind of terrible price they would pay, the loss of respect from the rest of the family if he ever admitted what she was beginning to suspect...that he was in love with
