“The bottom line is that two days later, I buried my husband and no one ever knew the truth, that he’d been leaving me that night. Nobody ever questioned that I wanted a small family-only funeral. They chalked it up to grief and let me have my way. The truth was, though, that I was terrified this other woman would show up if there was any announcement in the paper. I had no idea what I would do if that happened. I was terrified of making a scene.”
She lifted her gaze to his. “To this day I don’t know if his parents know about the woman, if they know that they have a grandchild by now. Our parents knew each other, but they weren’t close. After the funeral I don’t think they were ever in touch. They’ve barely said two words to me since then. His mother called once to ask how I was doing, but I think she sensed that there were things I hadn’t revealed. Maybe she didn’t want to know. Or maybe she knew and felt pity for me.”
Liz shrugged at the way one huge part of her life had just vanished that night, not just Josh, but an extended family, even friends who’d been more his than theirs.
“It’s hard to imagine that no one said anything,” Aidan said. “That no one warned you.”
“My sisters certainly would have, if they’d known,” she agreed. “But even after I told them this morning about the cheating, they didn’t mention anything about a baby. Either the Marches don’t know they have a grandchild or it’s been handled very discreetly. The woman was a colleague at the law firm. I’m sure they closed ranks to protect her. That’s one of the blessings of being in a big city. It’s easier to keep secrets.”
Aidan squeezed her hands. “I am so sorry, Liz. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you.”
“No, you can’t. Acting like the bereaved widow was horrible. It still is. I’m living this terrible lie. What kind of person would I be if I admitted that I hated my husband for what he’d done? So I pretend we had this loving marriage right up until the end.”
“It’s not a pretense, at least not for you,” Aidan corrected. “Up until that night, he’d been the love of your life. Just because you’d learned about his betrayal doesn’t mean that you haven’t been mourning him, or at least what you thought you’d had together.”
“But I’ve been deceiving people all this time, because it was too hard to face the truth, that my husband had betrayed me. I’ve been keeping up appearances, just the way he would have if the tables had been turned. Ironic, isn’t it, since that was one of the things I liked least about him.”
“Whether it was out of some misguided sense of guilt or out of love, maybe you felt you owed it to his memory,” Aidan suggested.
She regarded him wryly. “That sounds very noble. I’m afraid it was something else, though.”
“Such as?”
“I just didn’t want people to know I wasn’t good enough for him,” she said, a catch in her voice.
Aidan looked shocked by her words. “Oh, sweetheart, a man doesn’t cheat because the woman in his life isn’t good enough. He cheats because he’s a jerk who likes knowing he’s still attractive. It’s about his ego.”
“Have you ever cheated?” she asked. Because she was watching him so closely, she thought she detected a faint hesitation before he replied.
“Never,” he said, his voice firm. “I’ve broken off relationships, but I can honestly say I’ve never cheated on a woman I’ve been seeing.”
Liz should have felt reassured by his words. And if it hadn’t been for that momentary hesitation she would have been. There was a story behind that, a warning that even though she was feeling closer to Aidan right this minute than she had to anyone for a very long time, it would be dangerous to trust him. She might have shared her most shameful secrets with him, but he’d shared none of his. While she’d missed all the obvious signs of lying and cheating with her husband, she was smarter and more suspicious now. She’d never ignore what wasn’t said again.
19
Aidan didn’t want to leave Liz alone, no matter what she said. He finally understood the burden she’d kept secret from all of her friends, the reason she’d so determinedly kept him at a distance.
Now, though, all that mattered was trying to make her see that she wasn’t responsible for the way that horrible night had ended. She was clearly wrung out from all the revelations she’d shared. It physically pained him to see the unwarranted guilt she was carrying around. He understood that his absolution wasn’t what she needed. She needed to let herself off the hook. Until she was able to do that, she was destined to live in this dark place, punishing herself for something that had never been her fault.
“Aidan, you should probably go,” she said, that familiar distance back in her voice. “I care about you, more than I wanted to, more than I should have, but at least now you understand why there can’t be anything between us. It’s not about you. It’s all about me.”
“It’s at least a little bit about me,” he said. “Your husband was hiding things, important things, so secrets are obviously a big deal for you. And you’ve figured out that I haven’t been 100 percent forthcoming with you. I can see why that would trigger all sorts of alarms for you.”
She regarded him with surprise. He had a feeling it wasn’t because there were things he hadn’t shared, but because he’d admitted to as much.
He gave her a rueful look. “Given everything you just told me, I totally get why you’d be suspicious of any man who came into your life, especially one you suspected was being less than
