She curled her lip in disgust. ‘I bet there’s something we can use to clean that off in here,’ she started backing into the kitchen again, but Buster was trying to get outside.
‘Are those frosted wheats?’ he wanted to know, his little eyes locked on the mess strewn across the ground. ‘Ooh,’ he sniffed the air. ‘No don’t move. That’s cherry yoghurt on your boot. I’ll get that off for you.’
I wanted to get Mindy out of the house before the cops showed up. One of the neighbours was bound to have seen her going through the front door. That was going to have to wait though because my dog with a bowling ball where his brain should be was going to eat all the trash if he got even half a chance.
‘Oh, no you don’t Buster,’ I moved to get in his way and grabbed his lead. Of course, now I was close enough for him to sample the treats stuck to my clothing and shoes and I was trying to take my next step with one of my feet firmly stuck in his mouth.
Buster said, ‘Mmmmmffll mmugh.’
‘Get off, Buster!’ Too late, I slipped and lost my balance as he licked my boot ever so delicately but with much determination. Arms pinwheeling, I toppled and fell backward. There being nothing but free air to grab, I stopped only when my butt hit the ground.
Except it didn’t hit the ground because life is not like that. No, I landed back on top of the pile of sticky, gunky, slimy trash that emptied itself from the black sack and now I was truly covered.
Mindy had let go of the lead the moment I grabbed it and reappeared in the doorway now holding a roll of kitchen towel. Her triumphant expression soured instantly because a few squares of absorbent tissue were no longer good enough for the task.
What I needed was a jet wash and a change of clothes.
Buster was making ‘nom nom’ noises as he hungrily vacuumed up everything he could identify as probably edible.
Trying to keep my rage in check, I grabbed his collar and used his body weight as an anchor to get back to my feet.
‘Felicity is not pleased, Buster,’ I pointed out as I started to drag him toward the house.
He gave me a quizzical look. ‘Huh? You found food. You should be over the moon. Finding food always makes me happy.’
‘Get in the house.’ I gave his backside a shove and finally inside, I pushed the door closed.
Mindy was staring at me with a look I might reserve for a shoe if I accidentally stepped in something unmentionable.
‘You don’t smell too good, Auntie,’ she was good enough to let me know with a wrinkle of her nose as she backed away.
Buster licked my bottom.
‘Mmmm, chip shop chips,’ he delighted in identifying. ‘And I think this might be custard.’
I swiped at his nose to get him away and shifted to stand in the middle of the room. Huffing out a disbelieving breath that my day had come to this, I started to strip.
‘Mindy, can you see if there is a black sack under the sink or in one of these cupboards, please. I’ll have to wash this lot at home and then see what the dry cleaners can do.’
‘What are you going to do about clothes?’ she asked while rummaging.
‘I’ll have to see what I can ‘borrow’ from John’s wardrobe. He must have an old pair of jogging bottoms or something.’ Anything would do so long as I didn’t have to walk back to the car in my cotton knickers.
Mindy found a roll of black sacks, the same as the one I foolishly took from the bin, and ripped one off. I stuffed my boots in it.
While I rolled up my lovely rainmac and stuffed it into the sack, Mindy left the kitchen heading for the front of the house. Her voice echoed back, ‘I’ll see if I can find something for you to put on.’
A few more frosted wheats fell to the kitchen tile when I turned my skirt around to inspect the back of it. Buster made to dive forward, but stopped when I snapped, ‘No! Naughty, Buster. Look what happened to Felicity’s clothes.’
Buster sat back on his haunches and tilted his head. ‘I thought you might like to know there is some of that corticosteroid cream in the house.’
The news stopped me dead in my tracks. ‘There is?’
‘I can smell it,’ he boasted.
Frowning at him, I had to ask, ‘How do you know what it smells of?’
Buster wagged his tail. ‘I’m a dog. That’s my job.’ It appeared to be the only explanation I was going to get but it was also good enough to prompt my next question.
‘Where?’
Buster got back to his feet and started toward the front of the house where the front door and foot of the stairs met at the end of a narrow corridor.
Mindy reappeared before we got two feet, an excited/amused expression on her face. She made urgent gestures for me to follow.
‘Come on, Auntie. You have to see this!’
I had no idea what ‘this’ might be, but Mindy wasn’t waiting to explain. She was already running back up the stairs and Buster was right behind her.
Alternative Lifestyles
I stared open-mouthed for many seconds before I found the power to speak.
Mindy was staring too, but she was mostly staring at me to revel in my reaction.
She said, ‘I know, right?’
We were stood in front of an ornate wardrobe in one of John’s back bedrooms.
