Emily was soft on the outside, but she had a steely core. A stoical, intelligent woman, she had little time for tears or tantrums. She felt things deeply, but she also recognised the way things were. If she lacked the ability to change a situation, or compel it to be changed, she could live with the repercussions. Bliss knew this about her, and understood he was incapable of breaking her.
They sat together on the new three-seater sofa, his one concession to having another person sharing his home – even on a non-permanent basis. Emily sat with her knees pulled up to her chest, her head resting on his shoulder. As they talked, her hand idly brushed his arm.
‘I want to love you more than I already do, Jimmy,’ she said. ‘But so far I’ve been unable to let myself fall all the way; it’s a matter of self-preservation. So yes, I’ve been guilty of holding back.’
Bliss released a long breath. ‘I think I was aware of that. Though I’m not great at picking up signals when it comes to this sort of thing.’
Rolling her eyes, Emily said, ‘That’s an understatement. But there’s no blame here. The thing is, while I may be holding back for fear of getting my heart broken, I don’t believe you are. I think this is it for you. This is all you’re willing to give at this moment in your life – maybe even all you are capable of giving. I don’t know if the missing piece is whatever you’re still holding onto with Hazel, if it’s your commitment to the job, or perhaps a combination of the two. It might be me – that you can’t make that commitment to me. All I do know is that I never get all of you, Jimmy. And I don’t see a point at which I ever will.’
He wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer. ‘In my defence, I never promised you otherwise.’
‘I know. And please don’t get me wrong. I’m not angry with you. I didn’t expect more from you, either, but I suppose I did hope for it. For a sign, at least. A sign that you had it in you to put all that you are into what we have together. But I came into this with my eyes wide open, which is why I have no regrets.’
‘So because you think it can’t move any further forward, it has to be over? Is that what you’re saying?’
‘No. It’s not that at all.’
‘Then what is it, Emily? I’m lost here. You have to help me understand.’
Nuzzling him, her fingers moving with his, she gave a gentle sigh and said, ‘In some ways it has nothing to do with you and me. But at the same time, perhaps it has everything to do with you and me. The fact is, I worry about you. I am worried about you. This rage you have inside you towards Neil Watson… it’s as if you have a death wish. Not your actual death, but the death of your career and your happiness. Jimmy, you’re walking such a fine line with your probation, you’re approaching the final couple of years in the job – a job you’re extremely fortunate to still be out there doing – and yet you’re happy to risk everything because you think someone got away with committing a terrible crime.’
Bliss swallowed, digesting her disapproval and finding it hard to stomach. ‘And you think that makes me wrong?’
‘Yes. Not in how you feel about what happened or towards him. Of course not; the thought of what he did to that child makes me feel physically sick. But at times you’re such a hypocrite, Jimmy. You love going around telling people that things are what they are, not what we want them to be. But you think you don’t have to live by those rules yourself. Of course it’s wrong if that man did murder his stepson and got away with it. It’s horrendous. And I’m angry at the lack of justice. But why is it only you who doesn’t seem to be willing to accept that you can’t always get the result you want? It wasn’t even your case.’
‘That’s hardly the point,’ Bliss said, flushing as he defended himself. ‘Whose case it was is irrelevant to the eventual outcome. The boy is still dead, and that murdering deviant is walking around on our streets as if he owns the place. He should be banged up.’
‘And only Jimmy Bliss can put him there.’
‘That’s not what I’m saying. But I do appear to be the only one trying to do it now that the trial is over.’
‘Isn’t that just one of those things that are as they are?’
He snorted and shook his head. ‘Okay. You’ve got me on that one, Em. You win that argument. Yes, I say one thing and do another. But why does any of that have to affect me and you? Why is it getting in the middle of us?’
‘Because it’s a symptom of a man who has no intention of changing his ways, irrespective of what it costs him.’
‘You mean the job? I should give a stuff about the job. All it’s ever done is shit on me from a bloody great height.’
‘And that was never your fault? You never played a role in your own downfall? And besides, it’s not only
