“It’s too late, now, sister,” he says.
HIS ONE BLUE EYE
He drops his arms to his sides and digs his chin into his collarbone.
“What is it, brother, you can tell me…”
His head is squirming on his shoulders.
Sally clears her throat again.
LOOK AT ME
“Honey, your brother is a murderer.”
HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS, HIS HEAD BETWEEN HIS KNEES
“It’s not your fault, I know it’s not!”
“Well, honey, that’s not really the truth, now is it?”
Sally tries to take my hand. I flip it away.
“Moshe, it’s just that the whole world let you down. Isn’t that what happened?”
MY BROTHER LIFTS HIS HEAD
“Olga,” he breathes out. “Go to Hell.”
NO, NO, NO
My arms like serpents through the bars.
GO TO HELL!
My brother’s crying.
GO TO HELL, OLGA!
The whole hallway screams at me.
BOTH MY SHOULDERS
Gripped. Sally on one side. The guard on the other.
They are pulling me away.
HALLWAYS
Always hallways.
I’M MOVING BACKWARD INTO DARKNESS
Back, back, back.
I DON’T KNOW WHOSE BODY THEY ARE PULLING
Is it mine?
Could it be mine?
THEY LET GO
I fall and I’m folded over myself.
The floor is different.
“Parting is such sweet sorrow…”
It’s Sally’s voice.
“Is it sweet, Sally?”
THAT’S WHAT THEY SAY AND IT MAKES THE DARKNESS SMALL ENOUGH TO SWALLOW
The guard is making one long wet kissy sound.
JUST LIKE THAT
“You’re free to go, Bokuchava,” the guard says.
The door closes and the small light goes red.
The officer is holding a white plastic basket with my clothes folded in a pile.
YOU’RE FREE TO GO
But no one’s free to go.
No one, no one, no one.
You, Bokuchava.
Free.
You gross-ass bitch.
GOODBYE, HONEY
Sally’s voice but no Sally.
GET DRESSED
The officer tells me.
WILDERNESS
The holes in Tanya’s eyes.
You don’t fucking know me…
OLD POTATO
I’m putting my old clothes back on my body. Peels of an old story. Pants on. Sweater hanging on my body. Earrings, those. One in each lobe.
“Here,” the officer juts out her hand.
In her palm, the gold necklace shimmers.
“Looks like it’s Fate,” she adds.
Her teeth are thick and pearly.
THE DANGLING STAR
I clasp the necklace around my neck.
The officer nods at the camera. The light flashes green and the door slides open.
NICKY NICKY NIKOLAI
FIRST OF ALL
All my life I’ve been taking one-twos.
IF IT WASN’T
From my late daddy, then it was from his brother, my uncle Borya who stayed with us when his wife took his two daughters and hiked it over to her parents in Moscow. Uncle Borya had a lot to say about his so-called “city-bitches”—but I was the only one in the household who was small enough to be hit.
MY LATE DADDY WAS THE COOL ONE
He could flick a blade in his mouth with his tongue before putting it back into the razor. His brother was the stinky one, always smoking or farting.
ALL I WANTED
Mathematics was my paradise. I didn’t want to go outside in the courtyard with the malchiki loitering. I wanted to stay in and solve equations. One after another after another. Each one I solved, I disappeared. Each one I solved, I went farther away into a heavenly body.
EARTHLY LIFE
A hand would reach in and pull me out and close the door behind me. Go play outside for fuck’s sake.
I’d be in the courtyard with the malchiki.
CIRCUMSTANCES
Uncle Borya met another woman. She had a son from her first marriage. He was a little thing, a chair cushion. The poor kid took my place.
I HAD MY SHARE
My daddy passed away, rest his soul. His liver was not as cool as him.
MY MOTHER
She loved me like a sponge. The malchiki taunted me.
For her love and for my father’s early death.
ONE-TWOS
The malchiki said, Let’s box.
HEY
Come on, they said, let’s throw some one-twos.
FOR FUCK’S SAKE, NICKY
I said, No thanks.
THEN THERE WAS DIRT IN MY EYES
Leave me alone, I said.
I WAS REPEATING MYSELF
The malchiki grabbed me and they ripped my shirt. I couldn’t see who was who.
IT’S NEVER GOOD TO REPEAT YOURSELF
They pushed me to-and-fro. My own arms and legs, redundant and tongue-tied.
THE COSMOS
I fell to the ground and made a ball of my body. They kicked me from all directions like a zodiac. I put my arms over my head. I counted the one-twos. One-two one-two one-two one-two… until there was just zero of me throbbing.
INFINITE FRACTAL CURVE
From the dirt and dust, I saw a dog.
A BIG DOG
Gray and white and brown. Ears up like arrows. Dark eyes, focused on me.
THE BOYS LEFT
I took my hands off my head. He came toward me. His flesh and fur swayed as he walked. I don’t know where he came from. I’d never seen him around before.
HE NUDGED HIS NOSE AT MY KNEES
He began licking my slack palm laying in the dirt.
NATURAL NUMBERS
People don’t always know if you’re good or bad. Animals do.
I GOT UP AND STARTED WALKING
Bloody and sore and without thought.
He walked at my side. He breathed in tempo with me.
AT MY BUILDING
I stopped. I looked down at him.
“Heya, Vaska,” I finally said.
It was henceforth his name.
He wagged his tail.
I SAT ON THE CURB AND STROKED HIS HEAD
I was killing time. I didn’t want to show my mother my face.
THE EMPTY SET
We seek ourselves in the eyes of others. For so many years, I couldn’t see love, only fear and fatigue and disgust. My mother, my late father, my schoolmaster and teachers, the neighbors, the other kids, boys and girls, and men and women. I looked at them and it looked like hate and I saw myself.
TOUCH
I don’t know where it happened, I didn’t see it. Touch, I mean, touch. Not pain.
AXIOMS
As for the violence, I guess I couldn’t care the way I was supposed to. Why was it important to know who smacks whom? Why are all the
