I smiled but stopped touching him. Jasper was right next to us and he was not in the right frame of mind to witness a full on morning sex romp under the sheets between me and Cole. I felt the urge to giggle. Cole had filled me in on Jasper's 'problem' amongst other things last night in the living room. The way he stubbornly refused to get it up for Cole even though my lover was pretty sure his boyfriend was more than capable of having sex. Maybe the sight of me and Cole getting it on would be just the thing to nudge him out of his self-imposed celibacy.
I moved slowly to raise my upper body so I could glance over at the stubborn man beside us. It surprised me to see him wide awake and staring at the ceiling with his arms folded behind his head and that permanent frown on his face.
His gaze slid sideways towards me and I felt myself blushing for some reason. Jasper might claim to hate me and want to see me disappear but his eyes said something else. The same something else they had said last night at the gallery when we had first looked at each other after so long. He wanted me. Not just wanted but craved. Like a drug that was not good for you but you couldn't stay without. Like you would rather let it destroy you than give it up.
Or maybe that was just how I felt.
"Hi," I said in a breathy voice as we looked at each other. I tried not to drool over his broad bare chest and thick thighs clad only in his shorts. When had he removed his clothes?
He said nothing and I tried a tentative smile. "Do you...um...do you need anything?" I asked softly.
Jasper's lips curved in a mocking way. "Yeah. I do."
Oh, hell. That Gerard Butler morning voice. How I had missed it.
My heartbeats raced. I was talking to him. After what felt like a whole decade of separation. Here we were face to face, in bed of all places and we were talking.
"What is it?" I asked, already getting out of bed, careful not to wake Cole and then making my way over to Jasper's side
Again, he remained quiet and I swallowed. My throat felt dry, my body tense. Slowly, gingerly, I reached out a hand to touch his chest.
Jasper's hand shot out at once and grabbed my wrist, his gaze clouding with anger. "I need you to leave," he hissed at me, squeezing my wrist. "Just get the hell away from me, Madison." He shoved my hand away and turned on his side so that his back was to me before closing his eyes.
His expression remained thunderous and I stared at him as I rubbed my wrist. So he hated me now. He really hated me. Because I had left. But he had to have known what it was doing to me, the pain of living under the same roof as him and not being able to give him any of the love I felt for him.
Bowing my head, I quietly slipped out of the room. Cole may be too forgiving but I could not expect the same from Jasper. It was hoping for too much.
~~~
Chapter 36
Jasper
Francesco, my nurse looked at me expectantly after urging me to try out one of the many hand exercises which were supposed to improve my coordination. He was part Irish and part Italian. The shock of bright red curls on top of his head always made my eyes sore.
"Jasper," he said with the kind of patience fit for a saint. "Try placing just one marble in the jar."
I tried not to roll my eyes. Marbles. Jesus. What was I, four? I hated these exercises they made me do. The stroke had weakened my right arm and leg but physical therapy three times a week had brought me back to my natural strength. However, I could not explain how hopeless it felt to even try and do normal things.
No matter how much these people who aspired to help me talked to me with positive encouragement, I could not shake the depression and reach for that motivation that would help me lead a regular life once more.
I had cancelled so many projects. It all seemed pointless. Part of me did blame Cole for being the reason Skye had left. Because he had expected her to be happy without me. And another part of me blamed her too because she hurt me more than I realised I was capable of hurting when she just decided to give up on both of us.
Who could you even trust anymore? Cole got more and more frustrated with me even though I tried not to let my temporary disability hinder his life. He was being there for me in every way possible. But he needed things from me I could not bring myself to give right now.
I had almost died. If he hadn't found me on time, I might have died.
Sometimes, in my helpless state, my mind went to places where darkness alone reigned and it made me ask questions such as, 'What if I had died?'
At least Cole wouldn't be so miserable and stressed anymore. At least he would not hover over me expecting me to just stand up and start acting like myself again because the doctors had assured him it was possible with my cooperation.
