Fallon had known her team would trust her judgment. Nevitt and Arin were a different matter.
“I believe what you’re saying about her,” Nevitt said. “But I think I’ll feel better about it if I talk to Wren. Nothing too harrowing, just a few questions.”
Fallon nodded. Arin looked from his captain to his chief, clearly conflicted. No doubt he was also experiencing surprise and uncertainty, because of his friendship with Wren.
“Good. I want to be sure we’re all in agreement.” When no one else spoke, she said, “Okay. If there’s nothing else, we can adjourn for now. Bring anything you’re suspicious or concerned about to me. Even if it seems like nothing.”
She glanced around the room and her gaze tangled with Raptor’s. He still hadn’t spoken to her, and it wasn’t a situation she could allow to continue. “Raptor, could you stay, please? I need to discuss something with you.”
He had little choice but to remain, or else look like an ass to the others. Refusing to remain in his own quarters to talk to her would have been awfully strange. Ross followed the others out, which saved Fallon from needing to move to Raptor’s bedroom to talk to him.
“What do you want?” Raptor demanded as soon as the doors closed, leaving them alone.
“To apologize. I’m so sorry, Raptor.”
His expression was guarded, but he sat back down, no longer inching toward the door. “Can’t say I’m shocked that you shut me out again.”
“Disappointed. I know.” She closed her eyes, trying to figure out how to explain. “Okay, here’s the thing. My brain has always been unusual, even before Blackout messed with it. As a kid, I just had a lot of frustration. Anger, even. My father teaching me to fight was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned to be disciplined. I learned that getting hurt doesn’t really matter. I could take a hit and I’d heal. And while I was never proud of getting top marks in my classes because it was so easy, I had to earn my combat skills.”
She paused, struggling to put her past into words. “I was proud when I mastered skills and won competitions. I was proud when I got recruited into the academy. I learned that the higher the stakes, the more I could feel. I was like a foot that had been asleep, suddenly burning with sensation. When I got to the academy, I felt truly alive in a way I’d never felt. And then I met you.” She smiled, thinking of his younger self. “You weren’t jealous of my successes. You were more like me than anyone I’d ever met, but you were better—easygoing and fun. You were the first person to make me really feel without having to put my life on the line.”
She let out a long breath and risked a peek at Raptor. His coolness had faded, and he seemed interested in what she was saying.
She moved next to him. “I can’t describe how deeply I felt about you. When you suggested we forget about going into Blackout, I wanted to say yes. But I couldn’t imagine having a normal life. Working the day shift, then going to the theater in the evenings. Sleeping in on the weekends. I was afraid I’d go numb again without Blackout. That I wouldn’t feel the big things anymore, including you. So I said no.”
The set of his shoulders had eased. “Why didn’t you tell me that back then?”
“I was too young to be able to put it into words. And would it have even made sense to you? I didn’t want to end things with you. I just didn’t see any alternative.”
“So why did you ice me out a few days ago?” His voice held no accusation.
“I needed a little distance to make sure I could be objective. I’d just realized that Wren had been working for Colb. I was afraid my personal relationships were affecting my judgment.” She rubbed her hand over her eyes. “For the first time, I really wanted to go back to being numb. I didn’t want my feelings for you to blind me.”
He sat looking at her for a long minute. “I get why you did what you did when we were young. But you can’t just put me in a box now. If you need some space, just tell me. I thought you were ending it with me.”
“You seem to have a complex about that.” She struggled to hide a smile.
“For good reason! I always suspected you had some weird baggage. I want to learn more about that, but for now you just need to figure your shit out.”
She let her smile unfurl. “You’re always right.”
“Of course I am. I landed in Avian Unit with you so that I could equal out your dumbassness.”
“That’s not a word.”
“It is now.”
She was glad to see the warmth return to his face, and as always, he pulled her in like gravity. “So.”
“So figure yourself out, dumbass.” He snorted in disdain. “When you do, you know where I am. Just be up front with me about what you need. Whatever it is, we’ll make it work.” He leaned forward, looking at her closely. “You’re back with Wren now, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. Is that a problem?”
He pursed his lips thoughtfully. “No. It’s just funny how she seems to be in control of all your disarm codes. She’s the one who always pulls you back from trying to be alone.”
“There’s just something about her. I can’t explain it.”
“Doesn’t matter. She makes you happy.” He shrugged.
“So do you, in a completely different way.” She ran her hand over her hair. “She said humans are silly for thinking we have to pick one kind of love and refuse all others.”
“I’ve always thought Sarkavians were wise. Maybe all those sandy beaches encourage relaxation and deep thought.”
She smiled. “They have some great high-speed boating and other
