Amongst the sex in little things or great—
Think not, fair creatures, that I mean to abuse you all,
I have always liked you better than I state—
Since I’ve grown moral, still I must accuse you all
Of being apt to talk at a great rate;
And now there was a general sensation
Amongst you, about Leila’s education.
XXIX
In one point only were you settled—and
You had reason; ’twas that a young child of grace,
As beautiful as her own native land,
And far away, the last bud of her race,
Howe’er our friend Don Juan might command
Himself for five, four, three, or two years’ space,
Would be much better taught beneath the eye
Of peeresses whose follies had run dry.
XXX
So first there was a generous emulation,
And then there was a general competition,
To undertake the orphan’s education:
As Juan was a person of condition,
It had been an affront on this occasion
To talk of a subscription or petition;
But sixteen dowagers, ten unwed she sages
Whose tale belongs to “Hallam’s Middle Ages,”951
XXXI
And one or two sad, separate wives, without
A fruit to bloom upon their withering bough—
Begged to bring up the little girl, and “out”—
For that’s the phrase that settles all things now,
Meaning a virgin’s first blush at a rout,
And all her points as thorough-bred to show:
And I assure you, that like virgin honey
Tastes their first season (mostly if they have money).
XXXII
How all the needy honourable misters,
Each out-at-elbow peer, or desperate dandy,
The watchful mothers, and the careful sisters,
(Who, by the by, when clever, are more handy
At making matches, where “ ’tis gold that glisters,”
Than their he relatives), like flies o’er candy
Buzz round “the Fortune” with their busy battery,
To turn her head with waltzing and with flattery!
XXXIII
Each aunt, each cousin, hath her speculation;
Nay, married dames will now and then discover
Such pure disinterestedness of passion,
I’ve known them court an heiress for their lover.
“Tantoene!” Such the virtues of high station,
Even in the hopeful Isle, whose outlet’s “Dover!”
While the poor rich wretch, object of these cares,
Has cause to wish her sire had had male heirs.
XXXIV
Some are soon bagged, and some reject three dozen:
’Tis fine to see them scattering refusals
And wild dismay o’er every angry cousin
(Friends of the party), who begin accusals,
Such as—“Unless Miss Blank meant to have chosen
Poor Frederick, why did she accord perusals
To his billets? Why waltz with him? Why, I pray,
Look ‘Yes’ last night, and yet say ‘No’ to-day?
XXXV
“Why?—Why?—Besides, Fred really was attached;
’Twas not her fortune—he has enough without;
The time will come she’ll wish that she had snatched
So good an opportunity, no doubt:—
But the old Marchioness some plan had hatched,
As I’ll tell Aurea at to-morrow’s rout:
And after all poor Frederick may do better—
Pray did you see her answer to his letter?”
XXXVI
Smart uniforms and sparkling coronets
Are spurned in turn, until her turn arrives,
After male loss of time, and hearts, and bets
Upon the sweepstakes for substantial wives;
And when at last the pretty creature gets
Some gentleman, who fights, or writes, or drives,
It soothes the awkward squad of the rejected
To find how very badly she selected.
XXXVII
For sometimes they accept some long pursuer,
Worn out with importunity; or fall
(But here perhaps the instances are fewer)
To the lot of him who scarce pursued at all.
A hazy widower turned of forty ’s sure952953
(If ’tis not vain examples to recall)954
To draw a high prize: now, howe’er he got her, I
See nought more strange in this than t’ other lottery.
XXXVIII
I, for my part—(one “modern instance” more,
“True, ’tis a pity—pity ’tis, ’tis true”)—955
Was chosen from out an amatory score,
Albeit my years were less discreet than few;
But though I also had reformed before
Those became one who soon were to be two,
I’ll not gainsay the generous public’s voice,
That the young lady made a monstrous choice.
XXXIX
Oh, pardon my digression—or at least
Peruse! ’Tis always with a moral end
That I dissert, like grace before a feast:
For like an agèd aunt, or tiresome friend,
A rigid guardian, or a zealous priest,
My Muse by exhortation means to mend
All people, at all times, and in most places,
Which puts my Pegasus to these grave paces.
XL
But now I’m going to be immoral; now
I mean to show things really as they are,
Not as they ought to be: for I avow,
That till we see what’s what in fact, we’re far
From much improvement with that virtuous plough
Which skims the surface, leaving scarce a scar
Upon the black loam long manured by Vice,
Only to keep its corn at the old price.
XLI
But first of little Leila we’ll dispose,956
For like a day-dawn she was young and pure—
Or like the old comparison of snows,957
(Which are more pure than pleasant, to be sure,
Like many people everybody knows)—
Don Juan was delighted to secure
A goodly guardian for his infant charge,
Who might not profit much by being at large.
XLII
Besides, he had found out he was no tutor
(I wish that others would find out the same),958
And rather wished in such things to stand neuter,
For silly wards will bring their guardians blame:
So when he saw each ancient dame a suitor
To make his little wild Asiatic tame,
Consulting “the Society for Vice
Suppression,” Lady Pinchbeck was his choice.
XLIII
Olden she was—but had been very young;
Virtuous she was—and had been, I believe;
Although the World has such an evil tongue
That—but my chaster ear will not receive
An echo of a syllable that’s wrong:959
In fact, there’s nothing makes me so much grieve,
As that abominable tittle-tattle,
Which is the cud eschewed960 by human cattle.
XLIV
Moreover I’ve remarked (and I was once
A slight observer in a modest way),
And so
