“Good afternoon,” he greeted. “Dr. von Heydenreich gave me quite a favorable account of you—as far as it went. He might have included a few more data and made it more so. … Won’t you sit down?”
The woman laid her handbag on the desk and took the visitor’s chair, impish mirth sparking in her eyes.
“He probably omitted mentioning that the D. is for Doris,” she suggested. “Suppose I’d been an Englishman with a name like Evelyn or Vivian?”
Melroy tried to visualize her as a male Englishman named Vivian, gave up, and grinned at her.
“Let this be a lesson,” he said. “Inferences are to be drawn from objects, or descriptions of objects; never from verbal labels. Do you initial your first name just to see how people react when they meet you?”
“Well, no, though that’s an amusing and sometimes instructive byproduct. It started when I began contributing to some of the professional journals. There’s still a little of what used to be called male sex-chauvinism among my colleagues, and some who would be favorably impressed with an article signed D. Warren Rives might snort in contempt at the same article signed Doris Rives.”
“Well, fortunately, Dr. von Heydenreich isn’t one of those,” Melroy said. “How is the Herr Doktor, by the way, and just what happened to him? Miss Kourtakides merely told me that he’d been injured and was in a hospital in Pittsburgh.”
“The Herr Doktor got shot,” Doris Rives informed him. “With a charge of BB’s, in a most indelicate portion of his anatomy. He was out hunting, the last day of small-game season, and somebody mistook him for a turkey. Nothing really serious, but he’s face down in bed, cursing hideously in German, English, Russian, Italian and French, mainly because he’s missing deer hunting.”
“I might have known it,” Melroy said in disgust. “The ubiquitous lame-brain with a dangerous mechanism. … I suppose he briefed you on what I want done, here?”
“Well, not too completely. I gathered that you want me to give intelligence tests, or aptitude tests, or something of the sort, to some of your employees. I’m not really one of these so-called industrial anthropologists,” she explained. “Most of my work, for the past few years, has been for public-welfare organizations, with subnormal persons. I told him that, and he said that was why he selected me. He said one other thing. He said, ‘I used to think Melroy had an obsession about fools; well, after stopping this load of shot, I’m beginning to think it’s a good subject to be obsessed about.’ ”
Melroy nodded. “ ‘Obsession’ will probably do. ‘Phobia’ would be more exact. I’m afraid of fools, and the chance that I have one working for me, here, affects me like having a cobra crawling around my bedroom in the dark. I want you to locate any who might be in a gang of new men I’ve had to hire, so that I can get rid of them.”
“And just how do you define the term ‘fool,’ Mr. Melroy?” she asked. “Remember, it has no standard meaning. Republicans apply it to Democrats, and vice versa.”
“Well, I apply it to people who do things without considering possible consequences. People who pepper distinguished Austrian psychologists in the pants-seat with turkey-shot, for a starter. Or people who push buttons to see what’ll happen, or turn valves and twiddle with dial-knobs because they have nothing else to do with their hands. Or shoot insulators off power lines to see if they can hit them. People who don’t know it’s loaded. People who think warning signs are purely ornamental. People who play practical jokes. People who—”
“I know what you mean. Just day-before-yesterday, I saw a woman toss a cocktail into an electric heater. She didn’t want to drink it, and she thought it would just go up in steam. The result was slightly spectacular.”
“Next time, she won’t do that. She’ll probably throw her drink into a lead-ladle, if there’s one around. Well, on a statistical basis, I’d judge that I have three or four such dud rounds among this new gang I’ve hired. I want you to put the finger on them, so I can bounce them before they blow the whole plant up, which could happen quite easily.”
“That,” Doris Rives said, “is not going to be as easy as it sounds. Ordinary intelligence-testing won’t be enough. The woman I was speaking of has an I.Q. well inside the meaning of normal intelligence. She just doesn’t use it.”
“Sure.” Melroy got a thick folder out of his desk and handed it across. “Heydenreich thought of that, too. He got this up for me, about five years ago. The intelligence test is based on the new French Sûreté test for mentally deficient criminals. Then there’s a memory test, and tests for judgment and discrimination, semantic reactions, temperamental and emotional makeup, and general mental attitude.”
She took the folder and leafed through it. “Yes, I see. I always liked this Sûreté test. And this memory test is a honey—‘One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese, four corpulent porpoises, five Limerick oysters, six pairs of Don Alfonso tweezers. …’ I’d like to see some of these memory-course boys trying to make visual images of six pairs of Don Alfonso tweezers. And I’m going to make a copy of this word-association list. It’s really a semantic reaction test; Korzybski would have loved it. And, of course, our old friend, the Rorschach Inkblots. I’ve always harbored the impious suspicion that you can prove almost anything you want to with that. But these question-suggestions for personal interview are really crafty. Did Heydenreich get them up himself?”
“Yes. And we have stacks and stacks of printed forms for the written portion of the test, and big cards to summarize each subject on. And we have a disk-recorder to use in the oral tests. There’ll have to be a pretty complete record of each test, in case—”
The office door opened and a bulky man with a black mustache entered, beating the snow from
