Lord! how delicious it was to rest! I dried the sweat off my face, and drew great refreshing breaths. How had I not run! But I was not sorry; I had richly deserved it. Why did I want to ask for that shilling? Now I could see the consequences, and I began to talk mildly to myself, dealing out admonitions as a mother might have done. I grew more and more moved, and tired and weak as I was, I fell a-crying. A quiet, heartfelt cry; an inner sobbing without a tear.
I sat for the space of a quarter of an hour, or more, in the same place. People came and went, and no one molested me. Little children played about around me, and a small bird sang on a tree on the other side of the street.
A policeman came towards me. “Why do you sit here?” said he.
“Why do I sit here?” I replied; “for pleasure.”
“I have been watching you for the last half-hour. You’ve sat here now half-an-hour.”
“About that,” I replied; “anything more?”
I got up in a temper and walked on. Arrived at the marketplace, I stopped and gazed down the street. For pleasure. Now, was that an answer to give? For weariness, you should have replied, and made your voice whining. You are a booby; you will never learn to dissemble. From exhaustion, and you should have gasped like a horse.
When I got to the fire lookout, I halted afresh, seized by a new idea. I snapped my fingers, burst into a loud laugh that confounded the passersby, and said: “Now you shall just go to Levion the parson. You shall, as sure as death—ay, just for a try. What have you got to lose by it? and it is such glorious weather!”
I entered Pascha’s bookshop, found Pastor Levion’s address in the directory, and started for it.
Now for it! said I. Play no pranks. Conscience, did you say? No rubbish, if you please. You are too poor to support a conscience. You are hungry; you have come on important business—the first thing needful. But you shall hold your head askew, and set your words to a singsong. You won’t! What? Well then, I won’t go a step farther. Do you hear that? Indeed, you are in a sorely tempted condition, fighting with the powers of darkness and great voiceless monsters at night, so that it is a horror to think of; you hunger and thirst for wine and milk, and don’t get them. It has gone so far with you. Here you stand and haven’t as much as a halfpenny to bless yourself with. But you believe in grace, the Lord be praised; you haven’t yet lost your faith; and then you must clasp your hands together, and look a very Satan of a fellow for believing in grace. As far as Mammon was concerned, why, you hated Mammon with all its pomps in any form. Now it’s quite another thing with a psalm-book—a souvenir to the extent of a few shillings. … I stopped at the pastor’s door, and read, “Office hours, 12 to 4.”
Mind, no fudge, I said; now we’ll go ahead in earnest! So hang your head a little more, and I rang at the private entrance.
“I want to see the pastor,” said I to the maid; but it was not possible for me to get in God’s name yet awhile.
“He has gone out.”
Gone out, gone out! That destroyed my whole plan; scattered all I had intended to say to the four winds. What had I gained then by the long walk? There I stood.
“Was it anything particular?” questioned the maid.
“Not at all,” I replied, “not at all.” It was only just that it was such glorious God’s weather that I thought I would come out and make a call.
There I stood, and there she stood. I purposely thrust out my chest to attract her attention to the pin that held my coat together. I implored her with a look to see what I had come for, but the poor creature didn’t understand it at all.
Lovely God’s weather. Was not the mistress at home either?
Yes; but she had gout, and lay on a sofa without being able to move herself. … Perhaps I would leave a message or something?
No, not at all; I only just took walks like this now and again, just for exercise; it was so wholesome after dinner. … I set out on the road back—what would gossiping longer lead to? Besides, I commenced to feel dizzy. There was no mistake about it; I was about to break down in earnest. Office hours from 12 to 4. I had knocked at the door an hour too late. The time of grace was over. I sat down on one of the benches near the church in the market. Lord! how black things began to look for me now! I did not cry; I was too utterly tired, worn to the last degree. I sat there without trying to arrive at any conclusion, sad, motionless, and starving. My chest was much inflamed; it smarted most strangely and sorely—nor would chewing shavings help me much longer. My jaws were tired of that barren work, and I let them rest. I simply gave up. A brown orange-peel, too, I had found in the street, and which I had at once commenced to chew, had given me nausea. I was ill—the veins swelled up bluely on my wrists. What was
