Short Plays

sinning and suffering, and their going on at one another as if it meant anything, or as if it mattered, are getting on my nerves. Stooping over the back of the chesterfield to address Mrs. Juno. If you will be so very good, my dear, as to take my sentimental husband off my hands occasionally, I shall be more than obliged to you: I’m sure you can stand more male sentimentality than I can. Sweeping away to the fireplace. I, on my part, will do my best to amuse your excellent husband when you find him tiresome. Juno I call this polyandry. Mrs. Lunn I wish you wouldn’t call innocent things by offensive names, Mr. Juno. What do you call your own conduct? Juno Rising. I tell you I have admitted⁠— Gregory What’s the good of keeping on at that? Mrs. Juno Oh, not that again, please. Mrs. Lunn Tops: I’ll scream if you say that again. Juno Oh, well, if you won’t listen to me⁠—! He sits down again. Mrs. Juno What is the position now exactly? Mrs. Lunn shrugs her shoulders and gives up the conundrum. Gregory looks at Juno. Juno turns away his head huffily. I mean, what are we going to do? Mrs. Lunn What would you advise, Mr. Juno? Juno I should advise you to divorce your husband. Mrs. Lunn Do you want me to drag your wife into court and disgrace her? Juno No: I forgot that. Excuse me; but for the moment I thought I was married to you. Gregory I think we had better let bygones be bygones. To Mrs. Juno, very tenderly. You will forgive me, won’t you? Why should you let a moment’s forgetfulness embitter all our future life? Mrs. Juno But it’s Mrs. Lunn who has to forgive you. Gregory Oh, dash it, I forgot. This is getting ridiculous. Mrs. Lunn I’m getting hungry. Mrs. Juno Do you really mind, Mrs. Lunn? Mrs. Lunn My dear Mrs. Juno, Gregory is one of those terribly uxorious men who ought to have ten wives. If any really nice woman will take him off my hands for a day or two occasionally, I shall be greatly obliged to her. Gregory Seraphita: you cut me to the soul. He weeps. Mrs. Lunn Serve you right! You’d think it quite proper if it cut me to the soul. Mrs. Juno Am I to take Sibthorpe off your hands too, Mrs. Lunn? Juno Rising. Do you suppose I’ll allow this? Mrs. Juno You’ve admitted that you’ve done wrong, Tops. What’s the use of your allowing or not allowing after that? Juno I do not admit that I have done wrong. I admit that what I did was wrong. Gregory Can you explain the distinction? Juno It’s quite plain to anyone but an imbecile. If you tell me I’ve done something wrong you insult me. But if you say that something that I did is wrong you simply raise a question of morals. I tell you flatly if you say I did anything wrong you will have to fight me. In fact I think we ought to fight anyhow. I don’t particularly want to; but I feel that England expects us to. Gregory I won’t fight. If you beat me my wife would share my humiliation. If I beat you, she would sympathize with you and loathe me for my brutality. Mrs. Lunn Not to mention that as we are human beings and not reindeer or barndoor fowl, if two men presumed to fight for us we couldn’t decently ever speak to either of them again. Gregory Besides, neither of us could beat the other, as we neither of us know how to fight. We should only blacken each other’s eyes and make fools of ourselves. Juno I don’t admit that. Every Englishman can use his fists. Gregory You’re an Englishman. Can you use yours? Juno I presume so: I never tried. Mrs. Juno You never told me you couldn’t fight, Tops. I thought you were an accomplished boxer. Juno My precious: I never gave you any ground for such a belief. Mrs. Juno You always talked as if it were a matter of course. You spoke with the greatest contempt of men who didn’t kick other men downstairs. Juno Well, I can’t kick Mr. Lunn downstairs. We’re on the ground floor. Mrs. Juno You could throw him into the harbor. Gregory Do you want me to be thrown into the harbor? Mrs. Juno No: I only want to show Tops that he’s making a ghastly fool of himself. Gregory Rising and prowling disgustedly between the chesterfield and the windows. We’re all making fools of ourselves. Juno Following him. Well, if we’re not to fight, I must insist at least on your never speaking to my wife again. Gregory Does my speaking to your wife do you any harm? Juno No. But it’s the proper course to take. Emphatically. We must behave with some sort of decency. Mrs. Lunn And are you never going to speak to me again, Mr. Juno? Juno I’m prepared to promise never to do so. I think your husband has a right to demand that. Then if I speak to you after, it will not be his fault. It will be a breach of my promise; and I shall not attempt to defend my conduct. Gregory Facing him. I shall talk to your wife as often as she’ll let me. Mrs. Juno I have no objection to your speaking to me, Mr. Lunn. Juno Then I shall take steps. Gregory What steps? Juno Steps. Measures. Proceedings. What steps as may seem advisable. Mrs. Lunn To Mrs. Juno. Can your husband afford a scandal, Mrs. Juno? Mrs. Juno No. Mrs. Lunn Neither can mine. Gregory Mrs. Juno: I’m very sorry I let you in for all this. I don’t know how it is that we contrive to make feelings like ours, which seems to me to be beautiful and sacred feelings, and which lead to such interesting and exciting adventures, end in vulgar squabbles and degrading scenes. Juno I decline to admit that my conduct has been vulgar or degrading. Gregory I promised⁠— Juno Look here,